7 Topics That Shouldn’t Come Up in Wedding Toasts

Exes

Besides the fact that talking about the bride or groom with another guy or girl is strange in and of itself, I’ve been to weddings where exes or their families (or both) have been in attendance. So it’s extra-painful when a toaster maligns a past love…in front of his mother. Even funny ex stories are better left unsaid, just in case former flames are a sore subject with either newlywed.

Sex

All wedding guests realize that sex will be on the newlyweds’ honeymoon agenda. Hence, they don’t need to be reminded of this. What’s even more cringe-inducing is when a speaker brings up all the bed-creaking and moans they heard through their college dorm walls. The worst offense, though, was from a father of the bride, who talked about CONCEIVING the lady in white. And speaking of procreating…

Kids

You may disagree with me on this, but hear me out: A bride-friend of mine wasn’t sure if she wanted to have children when she got married. One of the wedding toasters must not have gotten the memo because he went on and on (and on) about how he couldn’t wait for the bride and groom to reproduce, what their kids would look like, what their names would be, etc. It got so uncomfortable that the bride actually took the mic away, ending the speech. But I suppose if speakers are 1000 percent positive that the couple wants and can have children, it’s not so bad.

Politics

I can’t think of a single wedding I’ve attended where every guest was of the same political persuasion. So to get on the mic and espouse a certain divisive view is asking for trouble.

Layoffs

A sure way to depress everyone fast: Bring up how the bride lost her job and hasn’t found a new one yet. Even though it’s fairly common for someone to be out of work these days, it’s such a downer when someone calls attention to it…on a microphone…on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of two people’s lives.

Drunken Escapades

Sure, wedding guests assume that brides and grooms have had some less-than-sober moments. In fact, brides and grooms may be inebriated during the wedding toasts. Still, neither is an excuse for bringing up sloppy situations, however amusing they may be.

Run-Ins With the Law

“Remember when we almost got arrested for public urination?” is a question that never needs to be asked (of course they remember it—or else they were too wasted or traumatized to process it) but especially not at a wedding reception.