You would love to continue basking in the afterglow of your wedding
day (who wouldn't?), but reality is setting in: you now have a new
extended family to consider, and that includes a mother-in-law. How
are you supposed to treat her, to act around her? You're not exactly
friends, and she doesn't feel quite like family yet. But she is
certainly more than a mere acquaintance. Where's the rulebook? you wonder, and why didn't I get that for a wedding gift?
As you have no doubt come to realize, marriage is more than the
wedding itself, and it encompasses more than merely you and your
husband. Marriage involves so many factors with so many people in so
many new situations that there is no way you could have thought about
all its dynamics and nuances in advance. But when you think about your
mother-in-law, tread with care because she's more than just "another
person to bring into the mix." Just as you love your mother and can't
imagine yourself not having her in your life, your husband loves his
mother, too. Of course, she isn't necessarily going to be in your life
in the same way that your own mother is (you don't really need two
women mothering you, do you?). But even so, this woman is definitely
going to be a part of your lives in a big way -- and just wait until you
have kids!
One of the things I've seen over the years of working with
mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is that there is an unspoken but
much-felt sense of competition between them. It's not a competition for
your husband's love; it's a competition for who has more influence over
him now. Obviously, at one point in his life, his mother had a
tremendous amount of influence over your husband, especially if they
were close. But now that he is an adult and you are married, the person
who has the most influence on him has appropriately shifted to his life
partner: you! This transition will not necessarily be easy for your
mother-in-law, so having some patience and compassion and remembering
and trusting that you really are in that top spot will make managing
this new relationship so much easier.
How do you go about creating a comfortable relationship with
"the other woman" in your husband's life? Here are some tips for forging
ahead while avoiding most of the drama and power struggles:
1. Decide what you want this new relationship with your mother-in-law to look like.
Try to visualize what you want in as much detail as possible. Do you
see yourself going to lunch with her sometimes? Chatting on the phone
once a week? Asking her opinion about things? Defining exactly what you
want will put you in a much better situation to create it. (Don't worry
-- you can always adjust the picture, but start with something.)
2. Get to know who your mother-in-law is. All mothers-in-law
fit into one of four types (or some combination thereof): Comfortable
Carla, Mothering Margaret, Off-the-Wall Wanda, or Uncertain Sara. (For
full descriptions, see my website at www.drdeannabrann.com.)
When you determine which personality type yours is, you will be able to
understand her and how to relate to her better, anticipating and
preparing for the potential pitfalls you may have along the way.
3. Slowly build your own relationship with your mother-in-law. Let
your husband have his own relationship with his mother -- forge a
relationship with this woman that is separate from his. Get to know her
as an individual, not just as your husband's mom, so you can start to
see her as more than just a mother figure. After all, you're more than a
wife and a daughter-in-law, aren't you?
4. Be proactive. Remember that your mother-in-law is probably
struggling to define her new role in your husband's life. She wants to
remain a part of things, but chances are she doesn't yet know the best
way to make that happen. Help her out by taking the first steps toward
defining this relationship. This will also show her that you do
want her to be a part of your new life together, and that will
undoubtedly allow her to relax a little, easing much initial tension and
awkwardness.
5. Determine what you can do to make this transition easier for both of you.
Take the steps you would want someone to take with you, and do it with
compassion and respect. She's as uncertain as you are, so she'll
probably welcome your lead. If tensions start to pop up, think about how
you'd want your own future daughter-in-law to handle the same sort of
situation if it were to come up with you (some day way in the future, of
course!).
Remember that you are on a new journey in your new life. You and your
husband have the ability to create the world that you want together. So
as you move ahead, be mindful, thoughtful, and compassionate with your
new family, especially with your new mother-in-law. Trust me, your
efforts will definitely be worth it.
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Tuesday, March 12, 2013
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