4 Tips for Having Parents & Stepparents at Your Wedding

According to a recent Pew Research report on stepfamilies, more than 43 percent of people in the US have a stepparent or sibling...which means there's a good chance that a wedding will include a stepmother or stepfather of the bride or groom along with the couple's biological parents. In fact, stepparents at weddings is becoming the new normal.

There are many wedding etiquette articles and books that provide the "nuts and bolts" for handling stepparents at weddings -- i.e. how to create an invitation that is inclusive of stepparents or how to organize the seating charts. But overall, we have found that these books don't offer much help when people's true feelings come out and when they start behaving less rationally and more emotionally. Wedding planning seems to bring out the worst in people's insecurities, anxieties, and the dynamics that are embedded in every family...feelings that are perhaps are never spoken of or addressed directly. Here are some tips to make managing everyone's feelings easier and less stressful.

1. Remember that the real issue isn't the seating issues at the rehearsal dinner or who is giving the first toast. You are dealing with individuals who are not used to seeing each other or having to spend time together at a public family event.

2. Talk with the biological parents and stepparents about how important it is for everyone to get along at the wedding. Many couples don't realize how important this is, but having a direct conversation with your biological and stepparents is very helpful in setting the tone and making clear your expectations for their behavior at your wedding.

3. Don't wait until the day or week before the wedding to have the discussion with your biological parents and stepparents. Our recommendation is to first meet with each parent individually. Later, get all the parents together in a neutral location so they will become more comfortable being in the same room together. We initially had some difficulty with my husband's stepmother, but we gave it time. We found addressing these issues 3-4 months before the wedding allowed both sets of parents to get used to the idea of being at the same event. They were even able to sit in the same row during the wedding ceremony!

4. Hope for the best but also be prepared for some sparks to fly. We suggest that couples have a plan for handling any emotional and/or uncomfortable encounters at their wedding. Friends or ushers at the wedding can also help diffuse any tense or heated situations.

While dealing with these issues before your wedding can be stressful, remember that these experiences can be extremely valuable because they will help make future events where parents and stepparents are together (think baby showers and children's birthday parties) much easier for everyone involved.