Can We Invite Guests Who Didn't Get a Save the Date?

Photo: Megan Clouse

So much happens during those first few months of wedding planning, from choosing a venue to putting together the guest list to designing invitations. And especially when a couple is on a shorter planning timeline, it can feel like decisions need to be made IMMEDIATELY. When it comes to guest lists, there can be a lot more politics and emotions involved than you would expect, making deciding who to send invitations to a drawn out conversation. Can you cut yourself a break by sending a smaller number of save the dates, then finalizing who gets an invitation later? Our experts weigh in.
The great answer is, yes! You can definitely add guests to your invitation list after you've sent out save the dates. This is great if you're still finalizing your guest count, or are trying to figure out if you'll invite second cousins as well as your college soccer team. Simply make a list of guests you 100% know you'll invite (most likely your families and closest friends) and send them a save the date so they can start reserving hotel rooms and booking flights, then spend that extra month or so deciding who else will be getting an invitation.
Worried that guests who didn't get a save the date will think they weren't invited at all? The best way to field questions about your guest list is to respond by saying that you're still finalizing the details. If it's someone who you've decided will definitely, without question be receiving an invitation, you can let them know that they'll be in the mail soon.
The big no-no? Doing the opposite and sending a save the date and not following up with an invitation. If you ask someone to save the date for your wedding, you must send this person an invitation to your wedding, whether you're not as close as you used to be or you are wishing you'd cut the guest list down further.

Sitting Pretty: Formally and Informally

Basics for diner seating arrangements.

Whether I’m entertaining a half dozen people or ten people or more, I’ve gotten my seating arrangements down pat. Here are a few basics.
At any table:

• At a seated dinner party, men should remain standing behind their chair until the women are seated.
• Men, make sure you’ve introduced yourselves to everyone before taking your seat. 
• Formal dining may not be part of daily life, but a gracious host always serves his female guests first! And himself last.

For six, ten or fourteen people:

• If I’m hosting a party in someone’s honor, I will always sit at the head of the table with the guest of honor seated directly to my right. If you are a hostess, and feting a male guest of honor, seat him directly to your right. The hostess should sit at the end of the table, nearest the kitchen, with the host at the opposite end.

For eight, twelve, or sixteen people:

• In this instance, the hostess should move one place to the left and seat the male guest of honor directly to her right, opposite the host. This way you avoid seating two women and two men together.

Plates and flatware:

• If I’m entertaining formally, I will set down decorative chargers, which serve as placeholders and anchor each place setting. For informal occasions, I bypass the chargers and simply set out my dinner plates.
• I’ll often place a folded napkin atop the charger or dinner plate.
• I position flatware in the logical order of its use, to the left or right of the plate, beginning from the outside in; in other words, moving toward the plate. Thus, guests will use the outermost fork for the salad, the middle fork for the fish course, and the innermost fork for the dinner itself. Knives and spoons sit on the right of the plate, again using the same intuitive order. If you’re serving a fabulous soup for starters, the soup spoon goes in the outermost position.  Assuming you’re serving a fish course, place the fish knife in the middle, and the knife closest to the plate is reserved for dinner (make sure you keep the sharp edges of your knives facing toward the plate, with the bottoms of your flatware neatly aligned).
• The knife should only be in your right hand when cutting. The fork should be placed in your left hand and used to hold the food with the tines facing down.
• Only cut one piece of food at a time.
• Once your food is cut, place the knife on the edge of your plate and the fork in your left hand. Turn the tines of your fork upward when eating.
• If I’m serving bread with the meal, I place a small bread plate to the left and slightly above the dinner plate, and lay the butter knife diagonally across the bottom.
• If I’m serving dessert, I place the dessert fork and the dessert spoon right above the plate.
• When everybody is finished, I clear the dinner settings away and bring out the after-dinner items: dessert plates, and if I’m serving coffee, a tray of cups and saucers along with teaspoons, which rest either on the saucers or on the table (your choice).
• Very simply, informal meals require less of everything. You don’t need to go the whole nine yards. Position a salad fork and a dinner fork to the left of the plate, a single knife to the right, and you have the basics for a casual meal. 

- Colin Cowie

Yes, It's OK To Spend Less On A Gift For A Destination Wedding

Ned Frisk via Getty Images

The rules of wedding etiquette are constantly changing, making it difficult for modern brides, grooms and guests to find up-to-date and correct information. That's why we launched #MannersMondays, a series in which we ask our followers on Twitter and Facebook to submit their most burning etiquette-related questions. Then, with the help of our team of etiquette experts, we get you the right answers to your biggest Big Day dilemmas. Check out this week's question below!

If you are traveling to someone's wedding from another state -- or if it's a destination wedding -- are you obligated to give them the same gift you would if the wedding was in your area?

Amber Harrison -- Wedding Papers Divas' resident etiquette expert -- is here to help us answer this week's question. Here's what she had to say:

Regardless of the location of the wedding, the amount you spend on a gift is entirely up to you. You should only spend what feels comfortable for your budget. In the case of a destination wedding, where you will likely be spending a significant amount on travel, accommodations and more, it is understandable that the budget you have set aside for a gift may be slightly smaller. Sometimes restricted budgets can actually encourage creativity that may inspire incredibly personal or meaningful gift ideas.
Remember, you have been invited to be a part of their big day for a reason. As a treasured friend or beloved family member, your support and presence will be appreciated and remembered regardless of the extravagance of the gift.

8 People You Don't Want to Invite to the Wedding (but Have To!)

Photo by K. Corea Photography

 

Some guests get the automatic check just for being family, while other guests -- like your boss -- are simply harder to reject than include. And, as if making your guest list isn't complicated enough, your parents also get a say if they're helping to pay for the wedding. The bright side? Unwanted guests don't have to ruin your big day -- as long as you know where to put 'em. Meet the top eight nuisances and troublemakers you'll invite (and learn how you can minimize the damage!).

Bridesmaid's Weird Boyfriend

Why He's Invited: Okay, so it's a little strange that he wears Batman T-shirts and barely talks. But even if he's not your fave, your bridesmaid loves him -- and she's gone through a lot with you (read: three dress fittings, two cake tastings, and one crazy breakdown over your flowers). Not inviting her boyfriend (he's not exactly a random fling, you know) would be a huge slap in the face.
Where to Put Him: Instead of having a large table with your entire wedding party plus their dates, mix things up. Sit with your maid of honor, best man, and their dates; then spread the rest of the wedding party throughout other tables. Not only will this keep you away from your bridesmaid's boyfriend (bonus!), it'll also keep some of your guests from feeling like they're stuck at a D-list table while you and your wedding party are rolling VIP-style.

Kooky Wedding Planner

Why She's Invited: Aside from the fact that she, um, helped plan out your entire wedding (and admit it: you weren't always easy to deal with), she's your number one in command on the big day. Trust us: It's worth putting up with her cat stories -- or even foisting the cat stories on your guests -- in order to have her on hand for all the details (and disasters). Besides, treating her like an actual guest (with a real seat, meal and invitation) will help make her feel more welcome.
Where to Put Her: Your planner will be so busy during your wedding you'll barely even notice she's there. Besides, what's really the worst that can happen -- she talks to your guests and reveals her Barry Manilow obsession? For all you know, they love "Copacabana" as much as she does. Sit her at a table with your equally whacked-out aunt, or take a chance and throw her in the mix of your friends. Nothing she says will be that shocking after a few glasses of champagne anyway, so stop worrying!

Little Niece

Why She's Invited: So you explicitly told your sister you weren't inviting kids to your wedding, but of course she didn't think that rule applied to her kid. Not wanting little ones at your wedding is certainly understandable. But making your sister spend half the night upstairs in her hotel room reading bedtime stories (and thus missing out on the first dance, and the cake cutting, and the bouquet toss) isn't exactly fair to her -- or you, for that matter.
Where to Put Her: If having a baby at your wedding bothers you that much, offer to hire a babysitter. Suggest that your niece stay with the sitter during the ceremony (so there's no crying during the vows) and then leave it up to your sister to decide whether or not she wants to bring the baby to the reception. By that point, guests will be drinking and dancing; they won't even notice a sleeping newborn. You can also assign your sister a table close to the door in case she needs to scoot out for a diaper change or other mommy emergency.

Fiance's Horny Ex-Frat Brother

Why He's Invited: Do you remember the last time that you met up with your guy's best college buddy and he spent half the night rubbing up against you and your friends? Well, forget it (at least for now). He's one of your fiance's closest friends, and not having him at the wedding would hurt him way more than it would benefit you.
Where to Put Him: First of all, it's not like you're on the market, so you have nothing to worry about (although you might want to give your single friends a heads up). Sit him at a table with other single people, or suggest to your fiance that Mr. Fratastic bring a date of his own. Really, as long as he's not grinding or groping, there's not much destruction he can cause. And as for how much he might annoy you -- you'll be too busy visiting with all of your other guests to even notice the guy.

Cousin You Barely Know

Why She's Invited: You might have played in the sandbox together 20 years ago, but these days, you can't even remember if she was the cousin with the glasses or the one who borrowed your Malibu Barbie and never gave it back to you. Yet your mom still wants you to invite her to your wedding. What gives? Well, she's family (sorry, that's the way it goes). Not inviting her would be extremely awkward not just for you, but for your parents too. And they'd probably be the ones who are stuck explaining to her parents why she wasn't invited. In this case, it's easier on everyone to just be inclusive.
Where to Put Her: Sit her at a table with other family members she knows or, if you think she'd enjoy it, mix her in with some of your friends. Hey, it's been a while since you've seen her -- she just might end up being the life of the party (besides you, of course).

Wedding Hater

Why She's Invited: She's one of your best friends and has been by your side for everything from college graduation and birthdays to the time you got sick for two days after eating less-than-fresh sushi. The only problem: She's currently in a love rut and is completely sick of weddings. Sigh. The fact is, if she's truly your friend, she'll still be happy for you. And even if you think she'll pout at everything from your dress to your bouquet, chances are she won't.
Where to Put Her: Introduce her to some other singles at your wedding beforehand (say, at the engagement party) to make it clear she won't be the third wheel. If there aren't many singles in your circle of friends, invite her to bring a date -- even if it's just a friend. Having someone to dance with will save her from sitting out the slow songs; plus, she might feel more confident with a partner-in-crime. Oh, and seat her with a younger crowd. She'll feel like an old maid if she's chillin' with your grandma.

Your Boss

Why She's Invited: Well, perhaps if you hadn't run into your office screaming, "I'm engaged!", spent hours upon hours of work time browsing wedding websites or telling your boss every little detail about your dress, venue, and cake, you wouldn't have this problem. But you did, and by this point, your boss feels as close to your wedding as your bridesmaids.
Where to Put Her: Invite your boss along with her significant other (at least she'll have one person to talk to). And honestly, it might not be the worst thing to let her come since she decides your salary! If you're particularly close with a few coworkers, add them to your guest list as well and seat them at a table with your guy's work buddies. And if you cringe at the thought of your boss witnessing some of your sloppy friends in action, well, maybe she won't be able to attend, anyway.

Drunk Uncle

Why He's Invited: Oh, that family rule, don't you just love it? So here's the deal: Your uncle is your father's brother...or your mom's brother, or your dad's sister's husband (you get it -- he's close), and whether or not he's had seven too many Heinekens doesn't change that. Even if he has a history of mooning party guests or slipping into a tequila-induced mean streak, your uncle still makes the cut.
Where to Put Him: While you don't want to bog down your dad with babysitting duties, seating him near your uncle so he can keep an eye on him is fair game -- especially if it's an open bar. You might also politely ask the bartenders to cut off any guests who seem to have had their fill. If there's a particular drink he's a fan of, don't stock it. Also, keep plenty of water on the tables and serve dinner early so nobody's drinking on an empty stomach.

Your Biggest Wedding Etiquette Woes, Solved

I am the only girl with two brothers in my family. One of my brothers is getting married this summer. My other brother is the best man, and my daughter is a junior bridesmaid. The bride did not ask me to be a bridesmaid. My parents are disappointed in the choice, and I am quite hurt. Is there a polite way to approach the subject with my future sister-in-law? Should I even bother? — S.A.

This is one of those cases where you feel legitimately hurt, on the one hand, but on the other, there's absolutely nothing to do about it. Traditional etiquette gives the bride full license to choose her half of the wedding party. It would have been lovely of her to include you, but the exclusion surely reflects the juggling of complex factors rather than personal snubbing or simple oversight. She may have a large family of her own, she may have a particular friend group she wanted to keep intact, or she may have picked her bridesmaids as a last gasp of her old life before joining her lot with your brother's. Whatever the reason, the invitation to your daughter is surely intended to be, among other things, a conciliatory gesture. Be soothed by it, encourage your parents to do the same, and move on. Your brother is getting married! Celebrate the happy couple, dance your heart out (in your dress of choice, by the way), and welcome his bride into your life.

A coworker is getting married, and many of us in the office have spent time discussing the details and the planning. None of us received a formal mailed invitation. Then, three weeks before the wedding, she invited all of us (12 people) via e-mail. She wrote that we are her work family and how important we are in her life. This seems odd. If she wanted us there, why were we not invited the proper way? How does one respond to this? — M. S.

Respond by accepting your coworker's invitation and showing up to celebrate with her. Wedding planning is complicated at best, and there are loads of variables. Depending on such factors as who is paying, the smallness of the venue, and the largeness of the families, there may be competing considerations about the guest list. You don't know what you don't know. If her fiancé has a gazillion cousins, for example, perhaps your coworker had to wait to see how the RSVPs shook out before extending invitations to her large work family. Maybe there were unusual constraints on the number of written invitations mailed out. It can be tempting to feel snubbed, but it's a fruitless indulgence. Your coworker really wants you there or she wouldn't have invited you. Feel glad to be included and that you work with such a close-knit group of people.

I'm making an invitation list for my bridal shower. The shower will be held in Southern California, where most of the women in my family live. But my fiancé's family is on the East Coast. He was raised primarily by his father, and his aunts and grandmother took on a motherly role, so they are important to him—and me. Do I invite them all, regardless of whether or not it would be logical for them to attend? — L.B.

Traditionally, the guests invited to a wedding shower are the bride's closest female friends and family. That said, you can invite whomever you like. And since you're inclined to include your husband-to-be's beloved kin, you should do just that. (Expansiveness is always a good rule of thumb.) But there's no need to conceal your intentions: A day or two after the invitations go out, send each of the far-flung relatives a note or an e-mail: "I couldn't resist inviting you to the bridal shower, but we don't really expect you to fly across the country for it, and please don't send a gift. Just know that you're in our thoughts, and we can't wait to celebrate with you at the wedding." For your fiancé's grandmother and aunts, this solution will offer the best of both worlds. They'll be tickled to receive an invitation and relieved of any pressure or uncertainty about what to do next.

Recently I received an e-card engagement announcement from a friend. Am I expected to buy her and her future partner an engagement present, and if so, what would be appropriate? — M.C.

There's one thing that the happy couple ought to get from you immediately, and that's a hearty congratulations. Since they e-mailed you their news, you can send an informal response. Just hit Reply and offer a "happy for you" line or two. Generally I would say that you can hold off on a gift. After all, should a bridal shower or an engagement party be held, you will get a chance to give them something then. (This does not even factor in the wedding gift itself.)

If you feel strongly about wanting to make a gesture, send a token that pays tribute to the household they are creating: a matching towel set, a gourmet-treat basket, or a tried-and-true kitchen tool. If possible, personalize it with a note: "Someone gave us a corkscrew like this one when we got married, and we've used it ever since. We hope that it sees you both through many wonderful years to come." The sentiment will be appreciated as much as—or more than—the item itself.

My husband and I just eloped. How can we let everyone know about our marriage without making them feel obligated to give us a gift? — A.B.

First of all, if you haven't already, be sure to share your news directly with your nearest and dearest, who should hear of your marriage in person or by phone, rather than by a mass mailing.

For everyone else, send out an announcement telling them exactly what you want them to know. If you're not trolling for gifts, say so directly: "We eloped! We're so happy—and we have everything we need. If you have the urge to send something, mail us a card, a note, or your best advice for newlyweds."

Inevitably, some people will send a gift anyway, and that's fine. Since you haven't had to research wedding etiquette, here's a tiny FYI about presents: Send a handwritten thank-you note as soon as possible (within three months, ideally). Also consider tucking in a photo of your ceremony or even sending one out in an e-mail. There's no reason not to share a glimpse of the romantic event with your cheering section.

My boyfriend's younger sister recently became engaged, and she indicated to me that I would be a bridesmaid. However, now that she has begun planning, she has assembled her wedding party and I'm not in it. Is it wrong of me to feel hurt? We're close. Or so I thought. Should I bring up the fact that I'm upset or let it go? And when my boyfriend and I get married one day, am I obligated to include her in my wedding party? I would have done so previously, but now I'm on the fence. — A.J.

It's understandable that you feel snubbed and disappointed. At a minimum, the bride-to-be should have taken you aside and explained the change of plans, which may be the result of competing obligations to family and friends. But in truth she may have extended her offer to you in the first flush of excitement, before she understood the tangled web of responsibility that a wedding weaves.

Here's your opportunity to be gracious. Choose to feel flattered by her heartfelt inclination to include you, celebrate with her, and let go of the slight. She probably wasn't trying to be hurtful, and you wouldn't want to darken her joy with conflict. If you feel the need to vent, try your boyfriend. In addition to a sympathetic ear, he might have some reassuring family insight to offer. And when you get married someday? You'll be far more likely to understand his sister's dilemma—and be too blissful (and busy) to spend time focusing on an old grudge.

A year and a half ago, I got engaged and set a date for my wedding. Just a few months ago, my cousin got engaged and decided to schedule her wedding two weeks before mine. (Neither of us lives near most of our relatives.) I feel that my extended family is going to be under a lot of pressure to choose one wedding or the other. Am I right to be annoyed? And is there any way to express my unhappiness to her? — K.K.

I hope it helps to hear that, yes, you are right to be annoyed, because there's not much else that I can offer you. If you feel that your resentment will cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your cousin, then once both of you have returned from your honeymoons, you can share your feelings with her. Perhaps you will learn that there's an explanation for the timing—one that will erase, or at least mitigate, your irritation.

But do not have this conversation now. Expressing your unhappiness would only lead to regret, as an argument could cast its shadow over your happy day and hers without resolving anything. Don't taint your celebrations with bitterness. Consider these small consolations instead: This conflict probably won't affect the plans of numerous guests, including your friends and your fiancé's loved ones. Contrary to your assumptions, some family members may attend both weddings. And if some relatives make it to only your cousin's? If you and your fiancé attend, too, you will have an opportunity to chat with them, which you'll have scant time to do at your own wedding. Remember: Marriage is a happy but imperfect state, and wedding planning gives you a little preview of that fact.

My fiancé and I have lost control of our wedding. We wanted to have a small affair. But his parents and mine both insisted on something bigger. Now, with their additions, the guest list is more than 200 people. We also wanted to keep costs down. (While our parents are making contributions, a sizable chunk of the expense is falling on us.) But our families aren't sensitive to our budget concerns. For example, they insist that we have a salad course. How can we have the wedding we want without upsetting anyone? — L.H.

No way—your parents are butting in on your wedding planning?! Just kidding. Welcome to the club, which includes pretty much everyone who has ever walked down the aisle. This is to say, what you're experiencing is a rite of passage and one that's no picnic.

Start here: Tell your parents how grateful you are for their help and financial support. Then try saying something like "Thanks to your advice, we made inclusivity a priority. We're thrilled to have everyone joining in our celebration. But to include all these guests and to stick to our established budget, we need to make the reception less elaborate. And that's what we're going to do."

You're stretching your wings, and your parents are watching their child take flight. Your husband-to-be's parents are doing the same. This transition might not be graceful, but unlike the salad course, it's important—not just for the sake of the wedding but for your married life to come, too. Nip this butting-in in the bud, before you have two sets of parents opining about your mortgage, your careers, and your sleepless baby. Remind your parents that the wedding is about your love and commitment and that the reception is just icing on the cake.

Your Wedding Vendor Etiquette Questions Answered

Centerpieces turn out wrong? Not happy with your makeup trial? The experts you hire are there to help you pull off a snag-free celebration, but there’s no such thing as a perfect wedding. Here, solutions to common dilemmas that may pop up when working with everyone from your photographer and florist to your DJ

How do we politely ask our planner (who charges by the hour) to spend less time on certain things?

Before assigning a task to your planner, request an hour-spent estimate or a flat fee. Some projects (stuffing envelopes, assembling gift bags) are time-sucking vortices, so if your costs are creeping up, do them yourselves. Set a time limit on the total amount you’re willing to spend so you and your planner can agree on how best to allocate her time and your cash.
 

 

I wasn’t that happy with the results of my wedding makeup trial. Can I ask my vendor to do another trial for free, or should I just find someone else?

It’s up to you to ask for adjustments during your meeting, and for best results with any wedding vendor or pro, always offer some direction first—whether they solicit your opinion or not. Going forward, you have two options: If you think she can create a look you’ll love once she has clear direction, offer to pay for a second trial. But if you feel it’s just not going to work out, now is when you should part ways.
  

 

How many bartenders per guest do I need for the cocktail hour?

“A good ratio is one bartender for every 30 people,” says contributing editor Peter Callahan, owner of Peter Callahan Catering in New York City. If you’re celebrating with 150 loved ones, for example, you’ll want five mix masters. “Also, designate four to six waiters to pass prepoured beverages, which will help prevent bottlenecks at the bar,” he says. Anything that doesn’t require shaking or stirring is ideal for distributing on trays, such as glasses of wine, sparkling water, or a signature drink.
  

 

Do we need to invite our justice of the peace to the reception?

Probably not. But the authority he or she brings is what actually legitimizes the marriage, so it might feel abrupt to dismiss him immediately after the service. Consider inviting your officiant to the cocktail hour, especially if you spent much time working with him preparing the service. That invite can be issued verbally. In a case where the justice of the peace has no additional responsibilities and is not previously known to you, you are not obligated to invite him—and he is most likely not expecting an invitation. If your officiant helps you rehearse, you may want to invite him to the rehearsal dinner. Justices of the peace who charge for their time at a rehearsal, however, needn’t be included.
 

 

A friend of mine, a part-time licensed baker who has designed wedding cakes in the past, has strongly hinted that she wants to make mine. I have reservations about working with a friend as a vendor, though. How should I respond?

Lines do get blurred when you turn to a pal to provide a service at your wedding, whether she’s an amateur or a professional. “You’ll have to talk compensation, and that can get awkward between friends,” points out real weddings editor Shira Savada. “Plus, you’ll be providing feedback on her work, and how forthcoming you are will likely be influenced by your personal relationship.” If you’re considering going for it, then treat her as you would any vendor and request to see photos of her wedding cakes. If you feel that it’s too big a gamble, you could preempt her likely request to make your wedding cake by asking her to contribute on a smaller scale by baking the groom’s cake. “She’ll still feel as if she’s a special part of the celebration, and it will take some of the pressure off,” Savada says. And if you just don’t see it working out at all and want to hire someone else, turn her down gently and emphasize the positive—that on your special day, you’d rather have her by your side, not behind the scenes.
 

 

My friend, who’s training to be a florist, offered to do our flowers, but we didn’t like the sample she made. Now what?

Your wedding isn’t the time to be guilt-tripped into anything. Turn her down gently. Since she’s already invited to the event, tell her you’ve decided to go with another florist so she can focus on enjoying it, and you’d love it if she contributed something smaller, such as flowers for the cake topper. That way it’ll feel less like a consolation prize and more like an honor.
 

 

My friend is a professional photographer. Can I see if he’ll photograph my celebration at a discount?

Your first instinct may be, “why not?” After all, he’s your friend. But if he makes a living as a shutterbug, it’s actually inappropriate to request a reduced rate. You can certainly ask him to take you on as a regular, paying client—and if he extends a discount, feel free to accept it. However, you may want to reconsider hiring him in the first place. Wedding photographers are constantly on the go, so he won’t have time to enjoy the festivities. If you don’t feel right about that, bring in your own pro, and ask your friend to share any shots he snaps.
 

 

What do I do if the centerpieces turn out wrong?

Unfortunately, this isn’t a rare occurrence, which is why it’s important that your contract have all the details in writing. Even better, have a picture taken of the final chosen design, suggests Karen Bussen, author of Simple Stunning Wedding Etiquette. “On the wedding day, if the issue can’t be corrected on-site, ask your photographer to be sure to document the centerpieces,” she says. “Then let it go, and enjoy the happiest day of your life!” You wouldn’t want an argument to cast a pall on the rest of the occasion. You can lodge your complaint and attempt to get a refund—once you’ve returned from your honeymoon and have your photo evidence in hand.
 

 

My friend had a really obnoxious DJ at her wedding. How can I avoid that?

Yours is a common fear, says Martha Stewart Weddings contributing editor Claudia Hanlin of the Wedding Library in New York City. Since the DJ is usually the reception MC, too, it’s important to find a person who’ll set the right tone. A safe bet? Hire someone you’ve heard before—preferably at another wedding (events like birthday and anniversary parties have totally different requirements), or ask your planner or venue manager for a recommendation. When you interview potentials, Hanlin suggests being completely direct. “Discuss how he should dress, what kind of music he typically plays, and pose specific questions: How would he encourage guests to dance or liven up a lull?” And—even if your best friend swears by his work—always ask to see him in action, either in person or on a DVD. It’s the only way to make sure your styles mesh. Most important, be clear about your expectations. If you don’t want your wedding party introduced at the reception, say so. Hate a certain song, band, or singer? Mention that, too. Once you decide on a game plan, add it to the contract so everything is set in stone.
 

 

Are we required to feed the people we hire at the wedding?

Yes, and with good reason: The last thing you want is for your musicians to flag just as revelers take to the dance floor. The people you hire, including your event planner and videographer, are putting on your affair so that you don’t have to. Work their meals into your budget and consider it part of their fee. And instead of handing out PB&J sandwiches while the rest of the crowd is dining on Chateaubriand, talk to the caterers about staff meals and designate a quiet spot for your team to eat during a break.

What staff do we tip and how much?

First, make sure gratuities weren’t included in fees you’ll already pay, then follow this standard tipping protocol:

Waitstaff (in lump sum) and Driver: 15 to 20 percent
Makeup Artist and Hairstylist: 15 to 20 percent
Catering Manager: 1 to 2 percent
Bathroom Attendants: $1 per guest
Coat Checker: $1 to $2 per guest
Valets: $1 to $5 per guest
Bartenders: $200 to $400 each
Ceremony Musicians (optional): $50 each, or 10 percent of total fee to split
DJ: 10 to 20 percent of fee
Bandleader: at least $200, plus $50 per band member
Officiant: $100, a thoughtful present, or a donation to their house of worship
Note: You do not tip business owners (say, your florist), so if you love their work, give them the greatest gift of all: a rave review online.