6 Things Happy Couples Do Differently

Whenever my husband and I tell others we are married with two kids, they are usually really surprised. Mostly because of our age and because we live in a time where true commitment and healthy relationships are a rarity. The average age for marriage in the 1950’s (aka our grandparent’s generation) was between 20-24 years old. Today, people who marry between those ages have the highest rate of divorce. How did we get to this point?
People’s expectations of relationships seem to be set by Hollywood and social media’s standards, blurring their perception of reality. Because of that (and other factors, like not having an example to follow), those same people don’t know how to have or maintain a healthy, happy relationship. Sometimes people learn how to have one after going through a bad relationship (I touched on my experience briefly here) but more often than not the cycle continues. Read on to find out 6 things happy couples do differently and why you should be doing them differently, too.

1. They aren’t petty.

When I say petty, I mean that if the other person hurts them in some way, they don’t try to hurt them back. They don’t seek out revenge or feel the need to “get even”. That kind of behavior is mildly acceptable in high school, for the simple fact that you aren’t mature enough to know better, but not in an adult relationship. No one is perfect and there is always room for improvement… for every one.
People in happy relationships can also admit when they are in the wrong, instead of always blaming the other person for any problem that arises. When there is an argument in a happy relationship they figure out a way to resolve it, forgive each other and move on.

2. They don’t break up left and right.

After I went through a relationship that was constantly on and off, I realized how stupid it was to have gone back after the third, fourth, fifth…. sixteenth time we broke up. How did I expect that relationship to last if we always wanted to leave each other? What was the point of getting back together if in a week we would be done again? People in happy relationships don’t break up over small things. They value each other and will do anything to avoid losing what they have.

3. They know that love is not enough.

Sure, the idea of love is great. But saying “I love you” is only a phrase if there are no actions behind it. In order to do that, both people need to be unselfish. From praising them to others and writing love notes to being a shoulder to cry on and never abandoning them in their time of need, happy couples show their love for each other often and in many ways.

4. They appreciate what they have in front of them.

They don’t focus on the things the other person doesn’t have or doesn’t do. They don’t compare their relationship to others, asking “Why can’t he/she be like so and so?”. This doesn’t mean they don’t ever get annoyed of each other. Trust me, that’s expected every now and then. Happy couples are grateful and feel satisfied overall with who they chose to be with. They don’t want or need to be with anyone else, even during the rough patches.
 

5. They respect each other.

Respect is defined as, “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” It is the most important factor in any relationship. It is something that everyone deserves and without it, your relationship is destined for failure. In a happy relationship, there is no physical or verbal abuse and no one has control over the other. Everything is mutual.

6. They grow together.

Happy couples build each other up, they set goals and push each other to accomplish them, all the while cheering them on. They care about their futures, as they may be aligned one day. They want to see each other succeed and do everything they can to support each other. They hold each other accountable and don’t let each other quit. They are a team working with each other, not against.
True happiness comes from within, so you won’t be able to be in a happy relationship if you aren’t happy with yourself.  If you don’t know how to love yourself, how could you possibly love someone else?

Relationship Resolutions: 5 Bad Habits to Kick This Year

 
Photo: Getty Images
 
When you sit down to write out this year's resolutions, don't forget to take the opportunity to pen few goals that will make your relationship even better. Here, our experts get you started with five that will stop you from bickering and could even make a few fireworks fly.

1. Nonstop nagging.
Says relationship expert and advice columnist April Masini, we often nag when we don't get the results we want. In other words, we're sick to death of finding the socks beside the hamper, so we get into a routine of telling our significant other to put them away until our floors are sock-free. But "you can become aggressive in trying to get those results," Masini warns, which won't do good things for your relationship. "The better strategy is to change your own behavior. Recognize that nagging isn't the best use of your time, and look for a creative solution to the need you want met instead of barking up the same tree over and over again."

2. Playing the blame game.
Is it never your fault in your relationship? "It's very easy when problems arise to immediately blame and shame our partners," says Alisa Ruby Bash, licensed marriage therapist in Malibu. But by playing the blame game, couples can quickly cross the line from a calm conversation into dirty fighting. "When we get used to aggressive name calling and hitting below the belt, it can be very difficult to let go of our wounds," Bash explains. "Although arguing is inevitable in even the healthiest of marriages, the way we fight our battles and the words we use can impact our entire future together. So learn to take responsibility for your feelings and reactions when discussing issues. Communicate authentically with kindness."


3. Not showing your appreciation.
"Telling your spouse you love him every day is easy, cheap and not fattening, but so many people don't do it," says Masini, who recommends showing our appreciation in even the smallest ways. Sending a sweet text message or going old school with a love letter tucked in your spouse's purse or wallet are heart-melting moves that don't cost a thing, she says. You could also purchase inexpensive items such as a book or single flower to show your appreciation for all your significant other does on the daily. "Make this the year where you really show your significant how much you appreciate him or her with little gestures," Masini says. "A year filled with little gestures is much better than one grand one."

4. Getting too comfortable.
Admits Bash, "we all can get too complacent at times." But when we stop putting in the effort we did in our dating days, "we risk losing the spark that brought us together in the first place," she says. "If we start to become more like roommates than lovers, it can be very difficult to find our way back to romantic love." Chemistry, says Bash, isn't always natural. It too can take work. So this year, "pay attention to your partner's feelings and desires," she says. "Try to resolve anger that builds up between each other. Make your relationship a top priority, even if you are parents. And take care of yourself so that you feel attractive enough to be sexual with your partner."

5. Staying stuck in a rut.
If you find yourself repeating the same things over and over and over again with your spouse, you could be stuck in a rut boring enough to put your relationship right to sleep. "Lots of us resort to certain behaviors such as having sex in the same position or spending date night only at dinner and the movies," she says, "but a great way to live is to shake it up in all corners of your relationship." Some ways you can shake up your relationship include spending time volunteering together, taking a cooking class, exploring a museum, or setting out on a road trip. "Shaking things up takes effort," Masini says, "but the payoff is finding new interests and new adventures as a couple, and that's a great reason to shake off the rut this year."

6 Tips to Make 2016 the Best Year of Your Life

It’s almost a New Year. That’s means a new YOU! What’s your New Year’s resolution going to be? I love the idea of the New Year because you get to bring it in with the ones that mean the most and January 1st just feels like a new, clean slate! You get to start over and set goals for yourself to make a better you.

It seems that a lot of people never accomplish their New Year’s resolution and their resolution happens to be the same every year. Let’s make 2016 different. Be a new kind of you this year with these easy tips! Let’s begin shall we:

1.Create habit. Set your goals for this year and create habit. Focus on your goals everyday, big or small. At the beginning, it’s kind of hard to have your goals in the back of your head everyday. Write your goal(s) on a sticky note and put on your bathroom mirror so that you are reminded everyday. Another idea, is to write it in your planner.

2. Keep a positive mind. Keep an “I can and I will” attitude. If you keep negative thoughts in your mind, negativity will follow. I’ve gone through one heck of a 2015 and there are times when I felt like I wanted to quit. You have to keep trying hard to move forward. Take your battles and use them at motivation to do better and keep going, even stronger than before. When you’re faced with a new battle, sit back and breathe for a minute and see how big of a deal it really is. As my mom says, “don’t sweat the small stuff.” Moms are always right..


3. Get Organized. Create lists, planners, binders and get rid of your mess and clutter. Starting with your home is best. A rule in my house is if you haven’t used it in 6 months, toss it. Organize your closet, bedroom, and office/desk. Organizing your bills and important paperwork is a great way to take a load off. Grabbing a planner (if you don’t have one, Target and Hobby Lobby planners seem to be my favorite!) is a way to make me feel like I have my stuff together and makes me feel less stressed. Put your energy into something fun!



4. Find a new hobby. This will get your mind off of things and let you enjoy you-time. Hobbies give you time where you can decompress, forget your struggles, or unwind after a long week. A few hobbies that I recently have found that I enjoy are painting and kayaking!

5. Make your own path. Whatever your goal is for the New Year, make it your own. Don’t follow the crowd. Ignore the negativity of “you can’t do that” and “that’s dumb” and do what makes YOU happy. Follow the road less travelled and enjoy your own experiences to share with others. Life is a journey, enjoy it the way you want to.

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

6. Plan a trip. There is nothing more exciting than experiencing something that you never have before. Your trip doesn’t have to be super elaborate, it could simply just be a place you’ve never gone before. Take the time of your busy year and plan a weekend or weeklong trip where you see the world. Go ride a train or subway for the first time. Go sit in a free talk show like Live! With Kelly and Michael. Planning a trip will have you looking forward to something and keep you motivated.

How Long Should You Be Engaged Before You Get Married?

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Few couples marry within days of a surprise proposal. Fewer still actually go the Five-Year Engagement route. It's somewhere in-between that most couples find their sweet spot, but how exactly do you know where you should fall in a six month to two-year time frame?
Unfortunately, says Bela Gandhi, relationship expert and founder of Smart Dating Academy, there's no one-size-fits all answer to the question of how long you should wait before you tie the knot. "There are so many factors that play into a wedding date selection," she says. "For example, crazy work projects that offer no breaks, medical or law school commitments, or wanting to wed in the church they've dreamed of for years only to find out it isn't available until 2019."


Before you select a date and determine just how long your engagement will be, Gandhi suggests asking yourself how long you need so that you won't feel a paralyzing amount of wedding planning stress. She also recommends taking into account your family and guests: How long will they need to prepare for your wedding and other related festivities? Finally, hiring a wedding planner could help shorten your engagement period significantly, Gandhi points out, so it's smart to know whether one fits into your budget before you begin.

There are also advantages and disadvantages to weigh on how long you wait. "The advantages of a short time frame are that you start running and you get it done," explains Gandhi. "I have plenty of clients who are in their late 30s and don't want to spend one or two years waiting." But with a shortened engagement could come additional stress, she warns, in a time during which you might simply want to soak up your engagement.

If you're leaning toward waiting longer, consider that you will probably have your pick of wedding vendors, which is a plus. "But the downside," Gandhi warns, "is having too much time to obsess about the details, and that can lead to stress and arguments."

How Will Your Relationship Change if You Already Lived Together Before You Tied the Knot?

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There's a well known but little discussed fear among couples who live together before they tie the knot: That nothing will change. And while your world may not turn quite upside down, there are definitely still changes that happen before and after "I do." Here, four women reveal what really changed for them after marriage.

"We were just really happy," says one married woman. "The excitement of having tied the knot stayed in our apartment for a long time. For example, when we just lived together and one of us got home from work, it was normal for the other to just nod as we sat on the couch and didn't get up. When we were first married, however, we would leap up and hug each other as soon as we walked through the door."


"There was a feeling that we were really, truly partners," says another woman. "When you live together, sure, you pay bills jointly, you don't swap out the sofa without talking to the other person first, etc. But when you get married, you're not just coexisting together. You're in it together — and that's a weighty thing."

"My husband was good at keeping his, uh, 'man tendencies' to himself when we just lived together, but once we got married, it was as if my husband threw in the good manners towel — and not into the hamper!" says one married woman. "All bets were off once he 'had' me. He farted under the covers. I found his dirty socks in trails to the bedroom. He burped. A lot. Let's just say reality hit a little too hard!"

"Not much changed for us personally," admitted another woman, "but how people regarded us was ever so slightly different. You can tell that people take your relationship way more seriously when you're married, versus just 'shacking up,' as our parents liked to say!"

Thankful

Each year I take the time to reflect back on what has gone on this year with myself and my family. With Kids in school,  my Husband and I working, Life and unfortunately Death, it has been a time of blessings. 

I hope that everyone is Thankful today and everyday for all the ups and downs, Joy and sorrow and for being here for another Thanksgiving. 

Love and Blessings- Jasmine 

The Do's and Don'ts of Living with Your Guy and Keeping the Peace

Photo: Getty Images
 
The unmade bed. The kitchen counter never wiped. Yogurt, cilantro, light bulbs, tampons and soap all forgotton at the grocery store. Stubble in the sink. Toilet seat up. Living up close and personal with a boy can be difficult and, at times, even disgusting. The list of your fiancé's housekeeping transgressions may be long (and growing), but how you interpret his missteps can have a big impact on your relationship.

Don't read into the socks left on the floor for a week. His dirty socks do not mean he doesn't love you, or that he's punishing you, or is trying to make you mad. His socks are not an aggressive act; but instead may very well be how he lived as a bachelor, in his pad, without you. He probably doesn't even notice they're there.

Do have an awareness that he lived many years on his own, without you. In his own style, his own way. Granted, it's not your way, but have respect anyway for the way he does things.

Don't get bitter. Don't do all the cleaning yourself — furiously, or sighing, hoping he'll get the message and pick up the broom — and then hold it resentfully over his head.

Do strategize together which are "his" departments and which are "yours." Who's better at and prefers cleaning the bathroom? The kitchen? Vacuuming? Folding laundry? Determine which household tasks are easy for you and for him, then divvy them up that way.


Don't assassinate his character. He's not a slob. He's not a mess. He's just different from you. That doesn't make him a lesser person. He may just be the Oscar to your Felix.

Do focus on small behavior changes, for both of you. "I'll agree to stop nagging about your socks when you pick them up off the floor at the end of the night."

Don't elevate roommate problems into relationship problems. These problems are not about how you love each other or care for each other, but how you live together, in the same space, day to day. You'd have roommate problems with anybody you live in close quarters with.

Do accommodate your differences. Even if they are different definitions of what "clean" is.

6 Things That Will Change After You Say "I Do"

Photo: Elisa Bricker
 

Anybody who tells you that life won't change after you get married is lying... or they've never been married. Even if you've been living together for a couple of years, things change after the honeymoon. The first year of marriage can be hard, but if you know what to expect and you're prepared for it, it's a lot easier to tackle and enjoy. Here are a few changes you can definitely expect:

1. Your friendships
You relationships with your girlfriends will change — especially if you're first in your crew to get married.

2. Your privacy expectations
You may have to ask some friends to give you back their copies of your keys and tell your besties not to flop on your bed or dig through your drawers, even if they've been doing it for 15 years.

3. Holiday season
Holiday plans are no longer assumed and may become more of a negotiation. You'll probably find yourself hosting more of them at your house in order to include everyone and keep the peace. For many couples, the first Thanksgiving and Christmas are political quagmires.


4. Your spending habits
No more shopping on a whim for expensive items, you'll have to coordinate all of your financial matters as a couple. There will have to be a budget (hopefully a somewhat flexible one) and you have to be completely honest about your spending with each other.

5. Your bank accounts
You're not financially "independent" anymore — you're half of a couple. You need to create a joint checking account and put each other on all of each other's accounts, not forgetting to change beneficiaries on existing paperwork at your office and financial institutions. You have to establish a savings plan and financial goals.

6. Your schedule
Hopefully, the two of you are sharing household chores and responsibilities, but whether it's work or play, you'll be spending more time together. And you have two families you're obligated to spend time with and professional obligations you must attend as a couple. Even if you've been together awhile, how much time these things consume will double.

3 Relationship Habits Every Newlywed Couple Should Start Right Now

 
Photo: Jen Philips Photography
 
Newlywed bliss isn't a myth: Everything seems shiny and full of promise in the months after you say "I do." But how do you keep that happiness going for the rest of your lives? The best way to create a happy life together is to start with good emotional habits. Here, these married couples share their secrets to a lifelong marriage. Practice the tips, below, and you are well on your way to a rock-solid, amazing, lifelong relationship.

Make time to be silly.
"Laughter is the most important part of our relationship. My husband Jeff will will put on oven mitts and make them sing if I am blue. I'll put on a parade for him with our son's stuffed animals," says Caroline Leavitt, married 21 years with a 17-year-old son. The Hoboken, New Jersey-based novelist finds her husband's cheerful efforts especially helpful in dark times. "I was critically ill for a year but we've both always been able to help each other see hope, even if it was only a tiny bright gleam in the sky miles and miles away."

Set goals but be open to changing them.
Before they married nine years ago Naomi Elena Zener and her husband set goals of where they saw themselves in one, five, 10, and 15 years. Naomi, who is a novelist living in Toronto, Canada, and has a blog Satirical Mama, laughs, "Some of the goals have been hit, others not." Their initial plan was to buy a home, collect art, travel, and build their careers. The "curveball" was a baby, followed by a second child. "Evan and I still have goals but things like travel have been reprioritized. Marriage to us was and is a lifelong commitment," Naomi explains.


Stop trying to change one another.
On their tenth anniversary Stephanie and James Freeman put into practice the truism every couple should know: You can't change another person. You can only change your actions and reactions. Stephanie, from Raleigh, North Carolina, shares, "We decided to take action together by making a list. On one side of the paper we wrote down our 'wish list' of things we wanted to change about the other, agreeing beforehand we wouldn't let ourselves be easily offended by what the other wrote." The couple also wrote a second list, which focused on characteristics about the other they would not want to see change.

The first list they exchanged was the "bad" one — discussing each item and doing their best to see the other person's point of view. Afterward they held each other to reestablish a feeling of love and connection. Next they shared the second list elaborating in admiring fashion on each point. "This list exchange was an event — fun, sexy and full of gratitude," Stephanie notes.

How to Keep the Bride Happy on the Wedding Day

Photo: Hayley Bray
 
The number one question a bridesmaid or a maid of honor will ask themselves, will ask others, will even spend countless hours asking the internet is, "How can I be there for the bride the most?" Sure, being there in person is always helpful. Showing up for the engagement party and the bridal shower and even the bachelorette party. But when it comes down to it, the number one thing the bride is looking forward to you doing, is being there on her wedding day, being there to keep her calm and to help her shake off some of those nerves like only you know how to do. Want to know how to keep the bride happy, no matter what, on her wedding day? Here's three tips to help make that happen.

1. Keep her well fed.
Make sure she's eaten a good breakfast and a hearty lunch. Also make sure she's well hydrated. Keep a couple of bottles of water around with a straw so she can take occasional sips — without ruining her lipstick.


2. Play some good tunes.
If things are feeling a little stressful or you feel the bride's energy is slipping a little, bust out a playlist of her favorite songs. Turn the pre-wedding jitters into a pre-wedding dance party.

3. Give her some space.
Depending on the size of the bridal party, the behind-the-scenes of the morning of the wedding can get a bit stuffy and loud. If there's a lot going on, round up the other bridesmaids and ask everyone to give the bride a little breathing room and a mental break.

36.......

Happy Birthday to.... ME! 

5 Questions to Ask Your Fiancé Before You Say "I Do"

Photo: Lynne Brubaker Photography
 

In the months since he proposed, you and your fiancé have chatted about how you'll divide your finances, who'll wash the dishes, and whether you want kids. But experts agree there are five questions you probably haven't asked — that you totally should — before you walk down the aisle.

1. How will we spend holidays?
"In-laws can compete for your company at Thanksgiving as if it were the Olympics and your presence is the gold," says April Masini, relationship expert and author of Think and Date Like a Man. Avoid holiday squabbles by discussing the ideas of trading off years, inviting everyone to big, blended-family events, or whatever creative solution you agree to, together. "If you don't ask these questions before the wedding, you're going to run up against time constraints [and] emotional blocks that will cause unwanted fighting, and worse — feuding," Masini says.

2. Are you willing to relocate for a job?
Waiting until you land your dream job to ask if your husband if he's willing to move across the country could turn into a nightmare. Discuss your long-term goals upfront and just how far you're willing to travel to achieve them — or see him achieve his. "It's important to discuss where you want to raise children, too, and whether you're willing to live away from family," psychologist Lauren Napolitano says.


3. Is it ever okay to take off your wedding band?
We can all agree your husband shouldn't hit the bar without his wedding band — but what about the basketball court? Some men aren't comfortable playing sports while wearing jewelry, and you may want to shed yours to garden or get a mani. "The wedding ring issue touches on issues of respect," Napolitano explains. So decide when and if it's okay for either of you to go ring-less before you slip them on for the first time. "If you will feel disrespected by your spouse's removal of his ring, you need to make that clear upfront," Napolitano says.

4. What's the deal with our exes?
Exes, especially when children are involved, can linger long after a relationship is over. So is there a place for your pasts in your present? "You should ask each other how you feel about not inviting exes to the wedding, and then how you expect to include them in your married life afterward," Masini says. "When couples have different expectations of including exes in their lives, fireworks — and not the good kind — can erupt."

5. What's your ideal lifestyle?
Do you dream of living in a 200-year-old farmhouse while your beau longs to settle into city life? "Many couples differ on this issue and it creates significant problems," Napolitano warns. Lay your lifestyle blueprints on the table and if they don't match, search for a middle ground. "If you can compromise — say a small house or townhouse outside of a city — then both parties can be happy," Napolitano says.

23 Signs Your Partner Is Also Your Best Friend

1. Sleepovers are 100% more amazing when your bestie is also your S.O.

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2. Your social life and your sex life are pretty much the same thing.

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3. Your S.O. is the first person you go to for advice.

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4. Fighting with your partner is THE WORST, because the person you want complain about them to…IS THEM.

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5. And your fights tend to be less about your relationship and more about who ate the last biscuit.

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You know they’d never cheat, but they may never earn your trust when it comes to the cookie jar.

6. High fives are a completely legit form of PDA.

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7. You know exactly what to give each other for Christmas.

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AKA no expensive, impersonal jewellry.

8. You’ve got sexting all figured out.

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9. You’re really good at doing nothing together.

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It’s actually the best.

10. And complaining about everything.

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11. You share clothes.

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If you ever break up you’re splitting custody of all the hoodies.

12. You have all the same friends.

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13. You’ve tricked each other into liking all your favourite things.

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“You WILL love Arrested Development if it kills me.”

14. You gossip about your mutual friends ALL. THE. TIME.

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15. They appreciate the little things about you.

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16. Netflix is basically the third member of your relationship.

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17. You’ve done gross completely nonsexual things to each other.

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“You can totally use my sleeve as a tissue, it’s fine.”

18. You actually expect an honest answer when you ask them how you look.

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19. You both appreciate a good breakup joke.

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But you would literally become a social outcast if you ever actually cut ties.

20. When people say you’re a cute couple it just sounds weird.

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If only they knew how gross and weird you are.

21. You don’t do traditional romance.

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You just do AWESOME.

22. You’re way too busy hanging out all the time to ~date~.

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23. But you wouldn’t have it any other way.

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