I Don’t Ask My Spouse For Permission

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When my neighbor invited me to a girls-only dinner with the rest of the ladies in our neighborhood, I did a lot of things. I checked my calendar. I looked up the restaurant online to scope out the menu (and let’s be honest, the martini selection). I texted to see what everybody else was planning to wear. I changed my mind about my outfit like six times. I debated whether to carry my big purse or just a clutch and whether or not I’d be cold without a jacket.

But of all those things, do you know what I didn’t do?

I didn’t ask my husband if it was OK for me to go.

Sure, I ran it by him, because that’s called consideration. “Hey, Honey, I’m going to dinner with the girls on Wednesday evening. Are you gonna be home, or should I arrange for a sitter?”
But there’s a difference between having the courtesy to let your spouse know you’ve got something planned, and actually asking for their permission.

The great thing about being an adult is that you are no longer under anyone else’s thumb. I never got the pony I begged for as a child, but now that I’m a bona fide grown-up, I could have that pony by this weekend if I wanted to. I could keep it in my living room if I so desired. And there wouldn’t be a damn thing anybody can do about it because I’m an adult and I don’t have to answer to anyone anymore (except maybe the police, but hey).

All right, so that’s a pretty far-fetched example. I would never really buy a pony on a whim and keep it in my living room. But the point is, I didn’t grow up and leave my folks’ house just to move in with someone else who’s going to tell me what I can and can’t do. My husband isn’t my parent; he’s my partner.

Kids have to ask permission for things because their parents are in control. And for good reason: Kids don’t have the best judgment. If they never had to ask permission for anything, they’d stay up late every school night and eat candy for breakfast every morning. As parents, it’s our job to veto some of the things they want because it’s in their best interest. We see consequences where they only see whims, and so we protect them from those consequences by telling them no. This is the nature of the parent/child relationship, dictating (or at least guiding) their choices until they learn to realistically weigh the pros and cons on their own.

But to ask your spouse for permission implies that you can’t be trusted to make a good decision by yourself, and I just can’t get on board with that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with running your plans by one another first. (In fact, it’d be pretty shitty not to.) But this is a common courtesy to make sure you’re not double-booking or forgetting something important.

For example, my husband might want to sign our son up for soccer, but it would mean committing me to driving to an early practice once a week, so he talks to me about it first. Or he wants to purchase a new laptop, but when he tells me, I remind him that we’ve got to replace the tires on the car next month. From there, I leave it alone because he’s an adult and I trust him to make a reasonable choice, one that’s in the best interest of everyone involved.

It is for this very reason that our fairly traditional wedding vows omitted the part about “obeying your spouse.” Love? Check. Honor? Absolutely. But obey? That’s a big hell naw. I want my dog to obey, not my husband. I don’t feel the need to control him, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who wants to dictate what I’m allowed (or not allowed) to do. Trust is a huge component of a successful relationship, and if the level of trust is low enough that one of you feels the need to control the other’s actions, then you’ve got deeper issues to discuss than, say, your Friday night plans.

I have no desire to act like my husband’s mom. I have enough kids, and I’m asked for permission a bazillion times a day as it is.

When it comes to making a choice for myself, it’s nice to know that I’m not married to someone who feels the need — or the power — to “let” me do something.

Can you BAN Strippers from your Fiancé's Bachelor Party?

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The time has come: Your fiancé comes home to excitedly tell you all about his bachelor party plans. Maybe you are just as excited as him and listen with open ears, or maybe you've been dreading this moment from the second you started wedding planning and just want it over. Regardless, one question remains. Will there be strippers at his bachelor party? And what can you do about it?
If you feel strongly about not having female entertainment at your man's celebration, it's SO important to express your feelings to him in a calm, communicative conversation. As you will hear thousands of times as you venture into married life, communication is key. But aside from talking about it, if you still don't meet eye to eye, can you actually ban strippers altogether? Is it okay to put your foot down and essentially make that demand? Check out what real brides have to say...

"I think that you should never have to ban anything. For whatever reason, if you feel that strongly that you have to 'ban' something, your significant other should respect your feelings and opinions enough to honor them, so long as you're not being unreasonable." —Nicole (married November 2015) 

"Yeah, sure — ban strippers from your man's bachelor party. Guess what, if he wants to do it, he will do it! He'll just say he's going for a low-key dinner or something but in the end, how would you know? And if he goes away... Well as we all know "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." But seriously ladies, you should trust your future husband and come to an agreement about what you feel is crossing a boundary. For some couples, it's just going to the club. For others, it's a look but don't touch agreement. Personally, I'm lucky enough to have a man who never goes to strip clubs... Or so he says!" —Theresa (married November 2015) 

"We both agreed together when we got engaged that we wouldn't have strippers present or go to a strip club for our bachelor and bachelorette parties. We also told our bridal party our feelings and views and they were respected. I keep it real with my husband — if he really wants breasts flashing in his face, he's more than welcome to come upstairs." —Liz (married July 2016)
 

"I for one am not a big fan of strippers. I don't think they are necessary to have a good time. I don't think that you can ban them though because it ultimately comes down to trust and if you trust your man, then it shouldn't matter if they are there or not. Like I said though, I don't think that they should need them to enjoy themselves; it's a night out with the boys — why do they need strippers? If you're the type of guy that needs that one last hoorah then you shouldn't be getting married in the first place." —Angela (married Sept. 2015) 

"I would never ban strippers from my fiancé's bachelor party because he is grown man and I am not his mother. BUT, I would warn him to look and not touch as he has a hotter/cleaner thing at home for free! HAHAHA." —Dana (married Sept. 2012)

Here's Why You Should Do Pre Martial Sex Counseling

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You've heard of premarital counseling. But what about premarital sex counseling? It sounds a little crazy — after all, you've known about the birds and the bees for years — but our experts say many couples can benefit from this kind of counseling before they tie the knot.

As Madeleine Castellanos, M.D., sex expert and author of Wanting to Want: What Kills Your Sex Life and How to Keep It Alive, explains, "The sooner a couple can start having healthy communication about their sexuality and their expectations for their sexual relationship, the sooner they will find harmony in their sex lives together."

Beyond that, adds Gloria Brame, Ph.D., sexologist and author of The Truth About Sex: A Sex Primer For The 21st Century, "if there's a hint of sexual problems or conflicts, a sex therapist can resolve it and help them create a more solid foundation to their marriage. Counseling can answer any concerns or questions they may have," she says, including those worries you may have for down the road. "In premarital sex counseling, I also lightly prepare couples for the challenges of married sex, not just as it is this year but how it will be for them 20 years and even 40 years out," she explains.


During sessions, our experts say, a couple might discuss anything from: Their expectations of frequency and sexual compatibility; any anxiety around sex; their individual (and joint) sexual styles; their thoughts about pornography; how they feel about foreplay; and even how sex could change after children. "Premarital sex counseling helps a couple have an open dialogue about sex so that they can learn to negotiate times when sex might be affected by life events," explains Castellanos.

Most couples benefit from premarital sex counseling, our experts agree, even if they're already sexually active with one another. As Brame points out, this kind of counseling may be a couple's first frank discussion about sex with one another. "One of the biggest problems married people have is poor communication about sex, so talking to each other about their sexual needs, fantasies, and functions, in plain English, is often a [good move]."

But that doesn't mean premarital sex counseling is for everyone. "If both people in a couple find that they can be open and honest about their thoughts and feelings related to sex, and are also able to listen openly to their partners as well, they probably do not need premarital sex counseling," says Castellanos.

If you think you and your partner might benefit from premarital sex counseling, a good place to find a qualified sex therapist or educator is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists' website.

Men Reveal What They're REALLY Looking For In A Wife

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What is it men are REALLY looking for when it comes to love and marriage?

We think we have an idea of what the "perfect" woman is, but it seems like no matter what any of us do, we are constantly falling short of that mark.

It's hard to get guys to open up about what they really want in a marriage partner, because let's face it, you can't ask this question when you've just started dating someone.

And you can't exactly ask this question when they dump you. You just kind of have to hope it all works out and you meet the marriage checklist of his expectations.

But thanks to one question-asker on Reddit, we now have insight into what exactly men are looking for in a wife, and how they decide it's time to settle down and get married.

I may sound jaded but I was pretty sure I knew what I'd find on this list when I sat down to read through the mountain of replies.

I felt pretty sure that looks would rank as the number one quality all men sought out in their marriage partner.

But it turns out that most men aren't looking for just a pretty face. Not by a long shot.

They had a lot of insight to share about how they picked their wives.

For some, it was about so much more than some arbitrary list, it was about the individual.

"Someone who genuinely likes me instead of some checklist of qualities that I managed to get a pass on."

Other men reported that the decision to marry almost wasn't conscious, but a result of time, interpersonal chemistry and that ineffable feeling of connection.

"My wife loves me for who I am. It wasn't about who she thought I could be, or who she thought she could make me into, but just wanted to be with me. Despite all my flaws and weird habits she still wanted to be with me. Even with all of her flaws and weird habits, I still wanted to be with her. Sometimes, things just click together, and it's not something you realize right away. I probably didn't start to think about marrying my wife until after we were dating for a year. I've now known her for over 10 years, and our 8 year wedding anniversary is coming up this fall."

Some men pointed out that while a marriage is a work, your feelings for your partner shouldn't be.

"Maybe it's just a male perspective but things that have an emotional basis, like romantic relationships, should be simple. If you have to work to justify being with someone you probably shouldn't be with them."



For other men who responded, the idea of marriage wasn't even in the equation. It was only when they met a woman whose life plan didn't send them running that they knew they were ready to take that next step.

"I think my marriage has worked because I wasn't actually looking for a wife - I just happened into one. She was the most interesting girl I ever met, she was smart and attractive and mostly nice, and I feel in love naturally. She said she wanted kids and to be married, and somehow that didn't scare the hell out of me."

Some men revealed that they need to be with a woman who isn't afraid to challenge them, a woman who understands that fighting isn't just something that HAPPENS in a relationship, it can actually make your marriage that much stronger.

"I want someone that I can argue with (and who will argue with me), without it turning into a fight. Someone that can call me on my BS when it matters, who isn't going to flip out if I call her on hers. I'd much rather be with someone who will challenge me and make me rethink things than someone who is trying too hard to be nice and sweet all the time. (Then again, I may just have a thing for hot tempered girls.)"



The most touching thing to me was important it was for men that their partners love THEMSELVES. The idea that you aren't ready for marriage until you've started learning how to love yourself seems to be really important to so many men.

"She loves what she does, she cares about herself as much as she cares about me and she smiles a lot :) Bonus: she likes the same music as me."

When men on Reddit responded to this question and discussed how a woman's looks impacted a marriage, it was almost always to say that looks fades and that there are other things that are so much more important to building a strong marriage.

"Values. You have to have values that have some intersection. Looks, health, wealth, all changes, but of those values seem to remain the most over a longer period of time."

"So, the hottest woman in the world, but hates to learn and read? Good bye. An attractive, affluent person, but tramples on others dignity? Bye."



The most touching answers revealed that in a nutshell, men want exactly the same thing that women want. They want a partner in life, who isn't scared to be fully themselves with another person.

"If we can laugh our assess off together about something silly, share the glory of a big indulgent meal, fall asleep watching/reading something stupid together, get trapped in a shitty situation and laugh at it because it's a shared adventure..."
"I had a huge checklist before I met my wife. There was only a single thing on that list I would never overlook: A genuinely kind hearted person."

4 More Years...... And Beyond!

Happy Anniversary Scott... I Love You! 

7 Fall Date Ideas That'll Have You Fall-ing (Get It?) in Love All Over Again

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Your bathing suit is packed away and your summer vacation is long gone, but the passion that comes with summer love doesn't have to end. Whether you're headed out for a first date, or have been married for years, these fall date ideas are the perfect way to celebrate the seasonal weather and get that lovin' feeling. That's because each one of these date ideas is supported by science! (We're nerds, we know.)

As a couples therapist and dating coach, I help couples increase their relationship satisfaction by implementing a more strategic dating life. Capitalizing on love research to get the most out of your date night is a surefire way to have a hot and thriving love life. So, if you need more romance in your relationship and are stumped on finding new activities, try one of these seasonal date ideas.

Leaf Peeping
Ogle the bright red, yellow, and orange leaves as you stroll hand in hand through a local park, or better yet, go on a hike that gets you out of the city and into nature. Exercise and exploring the unknown activates the pleasure system in your brain and releases dopamine, the chemical that gives makes you feel good and exhilarated.

Apple Picking
Pick a sunshiny beautiful day to frolic in the orchards together, canoodle behind a tree, and help each other reach the highest bunches. Plus, sunlight makes you happy, so soak it up before you go into winter hibernation mode.

Pumpkin Carving
You may be too old to go trick or treating, but you're never too old to carve a pumpkin! Enjoy a little flirtatious competition: whoever creates the best pumpkin masterpiece wins something (wink wink)! Plus, being creative allows you to relax, and activates parts of the brain associated with emotional responses and the release of dopamine.

Haunted House
Boo! Jump into each other's arms as you're startled and reap the benefits — surprise activates the reward center in your brain. Going on a date with an element of surprise, risk and excitement can help you rekindle the romance.


Corn Maze
This is the perfect opportunity for teamwork! Does your partner listen to your ideas, get angry when you wind up in a dead end, or praise you for your great sense of direction? Negative communication patterns, such as criticism or defensiveness have been shown to lead to breakups and divorce, so make sure you support each other.

Cozy Picnic
Bust out the basket and plaid blanket! Just make sure to touch or snuggle up as you enjoy your wine and cheese. Physical touch is not only a popular love language, but it's also a way we communicate our emotions, such as love, gratitude and happiness.

Halloween Costume Shopping
Head to a costume shop or thrift store and laugh together as you try on some whacky outfits. Laughing and smiling cause the brain to release dopamine, making you feel happy. Plus, eHamony found that a sense of humor is the most desirable quality in a partner, so let lose and reconnect. You may just feel the same spark that initially attracted you to each other.
Ultimately, boredom is the silent relationship killer. Prioritize your partner, date your mate and take advantage of all of the fun activities the fall season has to offer. There are so many creative ways to boost connection, intimacy and happiness in your relationship. Just remember you have to mix things up to (pumpkin) spice things up!

14 Husbands And Wives Reveal The Best Thing About Married Sex

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Sex after marriage isn’t as much of a snoozefest as you might think. 

Life gets busy, people get tired and sometimes sex just isn’t high on the priority list for married couples ― especially those who have been together a long time.
Though there’s no “normal” when it comes to how often spouses get it on, some couples make their time between the sheets a regular part of their relationship. Oh, and they enjoy the hell out of it too. Below, 14 people on the secret-sharing app Whisper open up about the saucier side of sex after marriage.

7 Tips For Newlyweds Setting Up Their First Home

We asked the very talented Christian Zavala of Zavala Interiors for some interior design advice and his 7 tips he would give newlyweds to help them decorate their new home. With over 10 years of experience creating chic and beautiful homes for his clientele, Christian has created a style that is contemporary, yet metropolitan, sophisticated, yet comfortable, and above all, classically “now.”
Christian tells us, “Aspire to create an experience that you and your partner will look forward to coming home to. You are now home - your nest, your sanctuary away from the rest of the world. Home should make you happy and at ease. I’ve worked with so many couples in my career and I have found that they are most pleased when the overall design is a reflection of the both of them. Create a collection of inspirational images to help you build your project mood board, which will help you have a clear idea of what you want to accomplish. I collect magazine clippings and have a collection of images on Pinterest too!”

Here are Christian’s 7 tips for newlyweds who are setting up their first home (besides hiring an interior designer!)

1. Create A Color Story

Maybe even use your wedding accent colors to always remind you of your special day! Remember, colors are powerful. They make you feel certain feelings, so use them wisely, unless you want to go very bold! Flowers are also a great way to incorporate your color scheme that you can have fun with seasonally. Commit to the execution, but don't go overboard. If you think, “is this too crazy?” then it probably is, so try to scale back.

2. Furniture: The Meat & Potatoes Of Design

Pick out comfortable yet stylish seating... Aim to buy more classic timeless pieces that you could grow with as you change styles. Since you’re doing this on your own, I would also advise that you try to keep your wood furniture to the same color stain within a room, as well as your metal accent colors. These can change from room to room, but will ensure a sense of cohesiveness. Also keep in mind the guests you will be entertaining. You want your furniture to be resilient after a party or little get together. Your furniture should give your room a natural flow of traffic. You wouldn't want to walk into a room and immediately be met with the back of a sofa - that creates a halt and an obstacle to enter a room - the idea is to make it inviting.

3. Let’s Talk Lighting!

Dimmers make everything sexy, so you should install one at every switch. Stay far, far away from harsh lighting. A ‘soft white’ or Edison style bulb always give a nicer light that is enjoyable turned up or dimmed down. There are some amazing and affordable lighting fixtures available today that can really add impact to the space. Do yourself a favor and when your budget allows, upgrade the “contractor grade” fixtures that came with your home. This little change can make a big difference.

4. Rugs Tie Your Design Together

Rugs can incorporate color and texture into your design scheme. Plus, not only do they add comfort when lounging, they can also warm up a room and define a space within an open floor plan. Another bonus to bringing in rugs is that they help with the acoustics of your home by absorbing sound. But - be sure to buy the right size! There’s nothing worse than buying a rug that is too small.

5. All About Accessories

Your decorative accessories are reflection of who you and your partner are individually and as a couple. They can illustrate a story of your lives, showcase a collection of your travels, or be the finishing touches that help complete your design scheme. Remember to edit your collections and place them well, without creating a cluttered look. For example, if you collect crystal stones, place your favorite few on display while the rest remain put away. Switch out with the seasons  to refresh so you can enjoy all the pieces over time.

6. Create Little “Moments”

Moments bring focus to areas that are not a room, but add value and thoughtfulness to your design. Take a console table at the end of a hall – add a vase, flowers, a candle, a couple decorative accessories and art or a collage of family pictures on a wall. This will create a scene instead of just a random smattering of objects. Or consider the corner a staircase landing – fill this space with a collection of lanterns to fill the space and bring character to an otherwise lifeless space.

7. Pick The Right Registry

Since the wedding registry is a big part of your big day, register for items that are indicative of your lifestyle. Don’t register for formal china if you plan on entertaining casually. These are the items that will bring your home to life and determine how you will both live and entertain. It’s important to remember the small things too, like a martini shaker and glasses or fragrant candles.



As a last piece of advice, “Think like a professional! Always take photos, jot down notes, and measure everything. Keep these images, notes, color swatches, and measurements together, like you would a wedding planner binder! Nothing worse than not being able to bring in something because it didn't fit through the door way, elevator or staircase… not to mention a mistake like this could be costly!”

6 Ways to Become BFF With Your Partner's Friends

 

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As Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., psychologist, friendship expert, and creator of The Friendship Blog, points out, friends are our chosen family. And just as we'd work to impress and befriend our in-laws, it's just as important to work to buddy up to our partner's pals.

"When your relationship with him becomes serious, you don't want him [or her] to lose meaningful friendships that have helped shape the person you've come to love," she explains. "Those friends will help make your life as a couple more interesting and intellectually stimulating. You'll also be able to count on them for support."

With that in mind, here are six easy ways to become BFF (or pretty darn close) with your partner's friends.

1. Discover their interests.
Levine suggests sleuthing out (or simply asking) what your partner's friends enjoy. "Many of their interests may dovetail with your own," she says, "and that will give you fodder for discussion and create opportunities for you to spend time together." What's more, if you can share an activity together, you'll created a history you can reminisce over late, points out Jane Greer, Ph.D, relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.

2. Take note of their birthdays.
When it comes to their birthdays, do more than leave them a friendly message on Facebook. Go above and beyond, and really make a good impression, by giving each friend a gift on his or her birthday. When you do, says Greer, "they'll feel special to you as well as your partner."
3. Make them feel welcome in your home.
You may not want your partner's buddies over all the time. But when they are there, you do want them to be comfortable. So, "if your partner was single and his friends were accustomed to coming over to hang out without calling, it might entail defining new boundaries that feel comfortable for you and your partner," says Levine. "That way, you'll avoid uncomfortable or awkward visits yet make them feel welcome and comfortable."

4. Give your partner license to have a regular guy's night out.
Just as you need a girl's night out, so does your partner need alone time with his friends. "There will be times when guys want to be together and talk about the old times or pursue activities that would hold little interest for you," says Levine. Your partner and his friends will appreciate you giving them that time without a fight. Plus, there could be something in it for you, too, Levine says. "Your partner may even want to bounce ideas off his friends that will help strengthen his relationship with you," she says.

5. Add them to the invite list.
If you're having a get-together at your home with your BFFs, be sure to add your partner's friends to the guest list, too. "They'll appreciate being a part of your world, and they'll be able to meet your friends and family, if possible, so they get a full picture of your life," explains Greer. Levine says you can extend the invitations to holidays, such as Friendsgiving or even a Christmastime occasion, too. "Shared traditions help strengthen friendships," she says.

6. Nurture friendships with their girlfriends and wives.
Extending your social circle past your partner's friends and onto their significant others means you'll be able to better enjoy group dates and get-togethers. "Yes, it can be complicated to maintain relationships as couples," says Levine. "It requires the meshing of multiple personalities, but these relationships can be especially enriching to couples."

10 Things That Shouldn't Happen If Your Relationship Is ROCK SOLID

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You say the two of you are tight. Rock solid. Impossible to tear apart. The two of you are a match made in heaven. An unbeatable team. Whatever the metaphor is for long-term bliss, you believe your relationship is it. The alpha and omega. Kismet.

And you may be right. There is one way, however, to measure up if your relationship is rock solid, or not. These 10 things will never happen if the two of you are really such an ironclad pair.

1. Cheating.
Don't tell us the two of you are a solid pair if there's constant cheating. I'm not just talking about having physical contact with another person; I'm talking about the emotional cheating: Facebook affairs and texting with another person who is not your partner.
If your partner is "loving" and "liking" every hot photo of every hot chick and completing the sentiment with sexy comments, this is cheating. This is disrespecting you. An ironclad relationship has no part of this nonsense.

2. Second-guessing.
Are you always looking at your partner's phone? Second-guessing everything your partner does or having insane suspicions constantly says your relationship is not rocks, but rather, paper.

3. Name-calling.
Everyone gets mad at each other, but a tight relationship doesn't get involved in name-calling or nastiness. A great relationship is respectful. Calling someone harsh names is not a sign of respect.


4. Having identical identities.
An ironclad, match-made-in-heaven relationship has signs of separation. By separation I mean the two parties have their own unique identities. They get to be who they want to be in the world around them, without the other trying to control how the party is framed or how the party reacts with other people.

Of course, both parties are respectful and maintain boundaries, but both people in the relationship have identities that are distinct outside of the relationship.

5. Controlling behavior.
A solid relationship NEVER involves one party controlling or monitoring the other person in any fashion. Any sign of control or manipulation is a sure sign of a negative relationship, not a solid one.

6. Walking on eggshells.
A solid relationship has two people who are able to clearly state how they feel about everything, from each other to politics. These two people never have to be reminded to be respectful with their words, because they just are. But either way, neither party censors the other. Both partners feel as if they can share their feelings with their partner without being shunned or hurt.


7. Asking for unreasonable accommodations.
A partner who is close with you and cares for you will never ask you to impossibly alter yourself. For example, an ex of mine ragged on me for being too sensitive. This wasn't something I could easily change. Could I change other things? Sure, but a person who loves you for you isn't going to ask you to alter something that is incredibly unreasonable.

8. Gaslighting.
Two people who deeply care and are committed to each other will not gaslight the other partner, making a "loved" partner doubt his or her own sanity or perception. Someone who does this is downright abusive. A loving and solid relationship has no time for this behavior.

9. Criticizing constantly.
Yes, a solid relationship is marked by honesty. However, two independent and loving humans don't feel the need to share every single thing with each other, especially if these things may be hurtful. A smart and loving partner will know when the keep his or her lips zipped. It's a sign of love and total devotion.

10. Relying on power dynamics.
Every partner has his or her own role in a relationship, but a solid couple will not rely heavily on power dynamics in which one party is completely and emotionally dependent on the other. A solid relationship requires people who know how to shift gears, take turns, and utilize each person's individual strengths to keep the relationship going.

Moving in Together? The 5 Things You Absolutely Can't Forget to Do

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Whether you've just gotten married or are taking the plunge way before your wedding day, moving in together is a huge milestone in any relationship. You're going from spending as much time together as possible to living together, 24/7, and that come with its own set of challenges. Maybe you're moving into his current apartment, the two of you signed a lease together, or you've secured a mortgage and are buying your first home. Whatever the situation, here are five things you should make sure to do before you start packing those boxes.

Take Inventory
Two people means double the stuff — and a lot of duplicates of things you only need one of. Go through both of your current homes and make a list of big items you both have (like sets of dishes, couches, or beds). Then decide which you'll keep, which you'll toss, or if you'll get rid of both and invest in something new. Try to do this before you've registered for anything so you can shop around for upgrades or items you'll both love. This way you're not stuck eating off of his chipped beige dinnerware from college, and he doesn't feel weird sleeping on your pink floral sheets.

Create a Budget
Combining households means sharing a lot of costs, from your rent or mortgage to the Netflix subscription and groceries. Even if you aren't planning to share finances, you'll want to outline how much you plan to spend together every month. Find a number that feels right to each of you, then decide if you'll open a joint account for household expenses or if one of you will pay for electricity and heating while the other will cover your parking pass and internet.

Set Expectations
They say opposites attract, but when a neat freak shacks up with someone who can't remember the last time they made the bed, tensions can rise quickly. You probably have an idea of your partner's living and cleaning habits at this point, but you'll want to set expectations before you've opened the front door instead of waiting for a month or two and then getting upset when something isn't put away properly. Some couples choose to divide cleaning tasks, while others tackle things together. Whichever style suits you, talk through ways that the less organized of the two can contribute to controlling clutter while the more organized can allow for certain less-than-perfect arrangements.

See more: The Signs You're Ready to Move In Together

Plan For the Unexpected
This goes back to budget. Even if every monthly expense is covered, there's always something you don't expect, from a leaky sink to an unseasonably cold week that kicks your heating bill into overdrive. Set aside some funds to provide wiggle room, and talk about how you'll handle surprise expenses that are above and beyond what you've planned for.

Make Space
Even after you've decided what to keep and what to toss, you may still want to downsize a little bit. After all, moving in together doesn't always come with double the space! Use this as an opportunity to clean out your closet, get rid of those things you forgot you still had (college textbooks, anyone?), and get organized. This is especially important if one of you is moving into the other person's current home: Making room for their things is the quickest way to make them feel like a welcome addition instead of an intruder.

The Happiest Couples Do These 7 Things Every Day

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Every couple is different. While your perfect date night out might be a raucous night on the town, that could be another Netflix-loving couple's nightmare. But no matter your personal tastes and past times, our experts say that the happiest couples do these things every day.

1. They have leaving and coming back together rituals.
According to Lesli Doares, marriage coach and author of Blueprint For A Lasting Marriage, research supports the idea that couples who have a ritual of greeting and leaving one another — whether that's when they first wake up or when they head off to work — have happier relationships. Why? "Because you are making a conscious effort to seek each other out," Doares says. "These times aren't taken for granted but intentionally acknowledged."

2. They touch base throughout the day.
Couples who keep in contact also keep one another's spirits up, says psychotherapist and relationship coach Toni Coleman. "That means touching base throughout the day by phone, text, or email just to say hi, tell one another you're thinking about the other, or to check in about your plans for the evening," she says. "How nice it is to know we are a priority to our partner — even when we are apart."

3. They have uninterrupted one-on-one time together.
And not just for a few seconds. The happiest couples soak up quality time for no less than 15 minutes each day, Doares says. "When you are focused on each other for more than a few minutes, you get past informational exchanges and can engage in deeper conversations that create connection," she explains. "Making this time a priority that isn't competing with children, text messages, TV, or emails shows how important nurturing your relationship is."

4. They share a laugh.
Happy couples get their giggle on whenever they can. Perhaps you spot something seriously funny on the sidewalk and snap a photo for your spouse, or you make a habit of sending one another corny jokes as a way to break up an otherwise boring day. "The point is, something makes you laugh and you want to share this with your partner," explains Coleman. "A shared sense of humor is an important part of relationship chemistry."

See More: Could You Guess the Surprising Secret of Happy Couples?

5. They give each other at least one sincere compliment.
The happiest couples make a habit of making one another feel good. Why? Because regular compliments will do more than give you love a confidence boost. "The time you spend identifying something positive your partner does keeps you learning about them and really noticing what they bring to your life," says Doares. "It keeps the negativity that is so destructive to relationships at bay. And, it also keeps you from taking those positives for granted."

6. They tell each other "I love you" in the love language of choice.
There are many ways to make people feel loved, from quality time to buying gifts. The happiest couples understand their partners' love languages and speak them. "Some people like to hear words, others appreciate acts of service, while others need a hug or kiss to feel loved," says Doares. "Learning your partner's love language and speaking it daily leaves no doubt about how you each feel about the other. It also shows a willingness to go out of your comfort zone to let them know how you feel in a way they best understand."

7. They go to bed at the same time if possible.
Finally, says Doares, "settling in together at the end of the day is a great way to increase intimacy — and not just sex. Your last words and thoughts will be with each other and this is can increase your sense of security with each other. And, yes, it will increase the chance of being physically intimate with each other as well — and that is almost always good for your relationship."

No Sex Drive? These 7 Reasons Might Be Why

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Decrease in your sex drive? There are myriad reasons why your desire to get down may be slowing down, says Madeleine Castellanos, M.D., sex expert and author of Wanting to Want: What Kills Your Sex Life and How to Keep It Alive, and many of them include unintentionally sabotaging it yourself. Here are seven ways you might be, and how you can get back on a sexy track.
1. You're taking the wrong birth control pill.
By now you know that the pill works to prevent pregnancy, and it does so with a cocktail of hormones that stop ovulation. But those same hormones can upset your already delicate hormone balance, "which affects everything from her moods, to her sex drive, to who she finds attractive," Castellanos warns. "Some women find that their libido crashes and they have a difficult time getting back that same intense sensation that they had before they started the pill." If you've recently begun taking the pill and experienced a dip in your sex drive, it could be time to talk to your doctor about making a switch to a different formula or another kind of birth control.

2. You think something is wrong with your body.
According to Gloria Brame, Ph.D., sexologist and author of The Truth About Sex: A Sex Primer For The 21st Century, shame over our sexuality and our bodies can impair our ability to experience pleasure. For example, "women who worry their vaginas are smelly or otherwise unpleasant can sabotage their potential for pleasure in bed by rejecting oral sex or preventing their partners from spending time on the foreplay, which would help them receive more joy," she says. "Learning to love your body is key to enjoying all the pleasure it can bring you."

3. Your body is in survival mode.
"If you are routinely stressed out at work, find that you have no time to work out, and stay up late answering emails or watching Netflix, that may be enough to throw the body into survival mode," says Castellanos. And there's no room for sex when you're in survival mode. "Once this happens, the body tries to keep its resources by slowing down your metabolism, takes your muscle mass but keeps fat tissue, and decreases your sex hormones so that you can rest. Too often people take for granted that their body can adjust and compensate for this, until they crash." Get your body and libido back on track by finding time for some serious R&R.

4. You can't admit there's a problem.
The first way to fix any problem is admitting one exists. Yet Brame says some women endure vaginal pain, dryness, discomfort, or dulled sensation — whether from childbirth or medications — without ever acknowledging it. "These are common issues," she says, "but women are often too embarrassed to tell their doctors, who might have safe remedies." If you're experiencing anything less than pleasure before or during sex, consider consulting with your doctor.

5. You're vitamin deficient.
Popping daily vitamins won't just keep the common cold at bay. Your testosterone and estrogen levels depend on your diet, says Castellanos, "and another common cause of fizzling sex drive is depriving the body of the necessary building blocks and nutritional factors to carry out its complex processes." Vitamin B, Zinc, Selenium, and Vitamin D are all essential for proper hormone production, so make sure you're getting enough of each. Plus, Castellanos adds, "remember that alcohol, sugar, and simple carbohydrates all increase the stress on the body and deplete the body of these much-needed vitamins and minerals."

6. You think sex is the least important aspect of your marriage.
According to Brame, "the No. 1 way women sabotage their sex drives is scheduling everything down to their toilet-paper buying and yet never planning time for sex." Instead of scheduling sex, women often wait for the mood to strike, "which is a sure way for busy career women and moms to relegate sex to the bottom of their to-do lists," Brame says. "I tell clients to add sexy time to their e-calendars, and base it on the preferences they had before their lives got so busy. So, if they used to like sex two to three times a week, they should try to stick to it, even if there's only time for quickies. Some sex is better than no sex, and quickies keep the intimacy and most importantly the habit of making sex a priority in a marriage."

7. You're comparing yourself to others.
Whether it's your BFF dishing the details of her most recent hookup or the steamy new miniseries you just started streaming, seeing how other people's sex lives work can make you think yours is somehow lacking. "I have seen so many women wonder why they don't get aroused as quickly as they think they should, and I have to ask what has shaped their expectations about what is normal in sexual behavior and response," says Castellanos. Not everyone can get turned on as quickly as a TV star. "For most women, a combination of both psychological and physical arousal is what enhances their sexual experience and helps drive their desire," she says.

4 Sexy Items You Can Add to Your Registry (And Not Be Embarrassed)

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As Gloria Brame, Ph.D., sexologist and author of The Truth About Sex: A Sex Primer For The 21st Century, says, "the more sex loot, the merrier." That's true even when it comes to your wedding registry, where you can safely add sexy items while saving face — seriously.

Of course, adding items to your wedding registry that are meant only to enhance your sex life can be tricky. After all, "you may not want Aunt Matilda to know what kind of sex toys you prefer or your brother to know what brand of lube you use," says Brame. These items are best added to a secret registry you share with only your closest, most trusted friends. "Or maybe you'd rather get your groom involved and create a wish list together with items for both of you," Brame suggests.
But if you can think beyond sex toys to some safer options, you can give your sex life a boost without your guests being any the wiser. Here, Brame says, are four sexy items you can add to your registry without feeling embarrassed.

1. G-Rated sleepwear.
You might not want dear ol' Aunt Matilda to buy you a see-through teddy. But she and your other guests might also be happy to help you splurge on plush robes, boudoir slippers, or even a lace-trimmed nightgown. "Things like good quality robes do not come cheap, and are something you and your groom will appreciate for years to come too," says Brame.

2. Silk sheets.
You don't want your wedding guests to know what you're doing in bed. But adding silk sheets to your wedding registry doesn't obviously point to sex — though it will make the act more pleasurable, Brame promises. "You will feel good and so will they, knowing that you are both wrapped in luxury on your wedding night," she points out.


3. Body care products.
Brame recommends adding skin cream, hair oils, massage oils, aromatherapy kits, personal grooming kits, candles, specialty pillows, "and other small luxuries that will make your bedroom a sensual palace." Why? Because, as she says, "pampering yourself will make you feel like a sex goddess."

4. Hotel amenities.
Calling all brides and grooms with an alternative registry, such as a honeymoon registry: If your hotel offers amenities like an in-room couples massage or other spa indulgence, feel free to add these services to your registry. "These items will pump up the romance and intimacy during your honeymoon," says Brame, "and keep your sexy hormones on high."

AdChoices This Comic Nails The Nightly Routine Of Married Couples Everywhere

If you’re in a relationship with someone who routinely falls asleep on the couch, just know you are not alone.

All around the world, there are countless boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives who live with a chronic couch crasher — a person who claims he/she is “totally awake right now” and “not even tired” and then falls asleep within minutes.

Cartoonist Adrienne Hedger of Hedger Humor perfectly captures this all-too-common dynamic in comic form: 

Adrienne Hedger of Hedger Humor

Another ~wild~ night in the life of a married person. 

Husband's Illustrations For Wife Capture Love At Its Simplest

Illustrator Andrew Hou had trouble expressing his love for his wife with words, so he decided to do it through art instead.

HJ-Story

"Love is thinking you're beautiful doing the simplest things."

Andrew is Chinese, but he was born in Canada. His wife Kate (a.k.a HJ) is Korean. The pair, married for five years, lives together in Seoul, South Korea.
"Korean not being my native tongue didn't help either," he told The Huffington Post. "So making silly, sappy doodles was my workaround for the problem." 

HJ-Story

"Love is doing the things we love together." 

HJ-Story

"Love is saving the last for you." 

Andrew started the series, titled "HJ-Story" after the initials of his wife's Korean name, in 2010. It began as a personal blog but ended up gaining a large fanbase along the way. 

HJ-Story

"Cuddling you is the best thing in the world." 

HJ-Story

"Love is picking me up when I'm down."

Earlier in their relationship, Andrew and Kate used the illustrations as a way to stay connected.
"[Kate] was busy with school and I was busy with work, so we didn't have a lot of time to meet up or even talk on the phone," he said. "So during work, I'd pretend to be 'working' and create these tiny doodles and send it to her on her cellphone." 

HJ-Story

"Me going to work vs. me going to see you." 

Once he had accumulated enough doodles, Andrew started posting them online. As the site got more popular, he turned the rough sketches into the more polished drawings you see today.

HJ-Story

"Love is memories."

HJ-Story

"Love is learning to love what you love." 

Through his work, Andrew says he hopes to give viewers a greater appreciation for the small moments.

"We're all so busy and caught up in everything that we forget about the little moments that are important -- myself included," he said. "Drawing HJ-Story for me is not only to capture the moments of a relationship, but to remind me of the little moments that are easily forgotten."

For more of the artist's work, visit his Facebook, Instagram or purchase his book

5 Ways to Make Your Marriage Feel Like You're Still Dating

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Whether you've been married six months or six years, you may be feeling something less than the head-over-heels infatuation you felt for your spouse when you were just dating. "It's difficult to keep a marriage going over the course of a long term," commiserates April Masini, relationship expert and advice columnist. But a lack of lust is something you can overcome — and even create. "Keeping your marriage hot increases your chances of keeping your relationship committed," she says. "Dating is what brought you to marriage, and so dating in marriage is important to keep the love alive and the commitment strong." Here's how to do just that.

1. Whisk your spouse out of the bedroom.
Getting it on doesn't mean you're getting it good. "Sex has a habit of getting stale when you do it in the same place every time," Masini explains. So keep sex and your relationship fresh by breaking out of the bedroom. "Booking hotel room for a lunch break date or even a weekend getaway shakes up your romance in a very good way," says Masini, who adds that with each passing hour away from home you'll feel a revived interest in adventure and one another. "Something as simple as a new hotel room or a new city will give you both the opportunity to look at each other with new eyes."

2. Get your spouse a gift just because it's Thursday.
When you were first dating, it was likely nothing to drop your significant other a love note — or at least a love text. But as time went on, the habit of surprising one another may have faded away. It's time, Masini says, to work surprises back into your schedule. "Sending love notes, flowers and gifts shows your partner that you appreciate him or her and it's not just rote," Masini explains. "It also shakes him out of any rut your partner has been in, and he or she will feel appreciated and he likes and will want to make sure you do too."

3. Make a date for a date.
Masini admits that it seems backwards to plan for romance, "because making and keeping a date night when you're married and busy may feel like a chore, which isn't how dating should feel." But wine in hand and excellent food in fork, "you'll relax into the date and feel like marriage is good because you can do this," she says. "It's easy get booked up with other obligations and lose that connection to your spouse, so it's essential to connect over the course of a long term marriage. Regular date nights will make you feel like you've got a schedule commitment and a love commitment that makes the schedule important and possible." 

4. Flirt often.It may seem like your flirting phase has come and gone, but you can still tease and tempt your spouse. "Call your partner up during the day and talk sexy," suggests Masini. "Or compliment your partner by telling him or her how hot he or she is, what you like best about sex with him or her, and what you want to do with him or her later that evening." Not only will this back-and-forth banter give your spouse a confidence boost, but when you let your partner know how much he or she turns you on, "you're recreating that dating feeling and stimulating your marriage,"Masini says. 

 

5. Hold hands. Says Masini, "Hand holding is one of the first shows of affection, and one of the first to be discarded when a relationship gets a little stale." Why? Masini believes it's easier for many couples to be together without connecting by hand, or any other way. "And yet there's nothing as pure and simple to show you're connected — to each other, yourself, and the world — than holding hands and strolling in the park, through the city, or on the beach," she says. "This will make you feel that rare combination of connected and unique because you're seeing the world through your own eyes, but that hand holding reminds you of what it was like to first connect in the most pure and simple and romantic way."

5 Ways to Personalize Your Wedding Bands

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Your wedding band is one of the most important symbols of your relationship. But you can make it even more special by customizing it in a way that speaks to the two of you. From a small and simple engraving to a microscopic laser inscription onto your diamond, there is no shortage of ways you can personalize your wedding bands and make them all the more meaningful to you.

Engrave your names
Sweet and simple, having your initials or names engraved on the inside of your band is a classic for a reason— it's a great way to add a little bit of personalization to your band without getting overly complicated. Plus it's reminiscent of carving your initials on a tree with a plus sign, which is pretty cute if you ask us.

Memorialize the date
If you picked your wedding date for a sentimental reason, like the anniversary of when you first met or the day you first said your I love yous, engraving the date on your rings makes your ring feel even more meaningful.


Inscribe a saying
Every relationship is filled with inside jokes and special sayings that are unique to the two of you. If you have an endearing phrase that is important to you as a couple or a certain way you let each other know that you love one another, having it written on the inside of your bands lets you wear a piece of what makes your relationship yours. It's also a nice thing to be able to slip off and read to make you smile after a long day.

Make a promise
Deciding to get married is making a promise that you're always going to love and be there for each other. So what better way to begin your marriage than to come up with a promise together to have on the inside of your wedding bands? Whether it's a one-word promise of always or forever or, something long enough to loop around the ring, having a promise engraved on the symbol of your relationship is a wonderful way to personalize your bands.

Wear your vows
If you're a bit on the wordier side or want to take engraving up a notch, the Gem Institute of America can microscopically laser inscribe everything from a symbol to your entire vows directly onto a diamond. While you won't be able to see it with the naked eye, having it there is a great way to carry around everything from a love letter to your vows, right there on your finger.

5 Moments in Your Marriage That Will Give You Major Feels

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There's a moment everyone talks about when it comes to a wedding: It's the second the groom spots his bride walking down the aisle and the lovebirds lock eyes. He chokes up, she grins from ear-to-ear, and the joy between them is so thick you could cut it with a cake knife. With so much love packed into a single moment, it seems as if it can't get better than that.

But the good news is that it does get better from that moment on. Over the course of a long and healthy marriage, there are myriad moments that will give you the same tear-jerking, warm-and-fuzzy feels as the second you spotted each other at your wedding ceremony. Here are five you might experience.

1. The moment you realize it's all about we.
Sure, when you were dating — and especially if you lived together before you tied the knot — you got used to throwing out the we word: We'll be at the party, we're taking a trip to Italy, we aren't fans of The Big Bang Theory. But there will come a time post-wedding in which it really hits you that you're a unit. You're in this together, forever, and the word we takes on a whole new and massive meaning. Be prepared with tissues when it does.

2. The moment you establish your first tradition.
Whether you decide to buck the national trend and serve fish for Thanksgiving Debra Barone-style or buy a Christmas ornament for each other each year, the moment you decide "we're doing this awesome act from this holiday forward" will hit you with major merry emotions. Because there's nothing like having a tradition you started together and that you know you can look forward to each and every year.


3. The moment after you solve your first big married fight.
It's hardly your first bickering match. But married arguments are different: There's no easy escape route when your husband or wife does something you can't stand. There's also a serious sense of satisfaction, relief, and partnership when you work through and work out your differences because you're in this commitment for the long haul. No one is taking the easy way out, and that feels amazing.

4. The moment your spouse just knows what you need.
No, your partner doesn't have a 24/7 crystal ball that reveals what you want or need in any given moment. And believing he or she should is simply setting yourself up for disappointment. But you will have one or a dozen moments in which he or she will slam-dunk exactly what you want, whether that's a glass of water on a hot day or a weekend getaway to Las Vegas. And in that moment, you'll feel incredibly grateful that there's one person in the world who knows you this well.

5. The moment your spouse takes your side over someone else he or she loves.
Nothing will make you feel like more of a family unit than when your monster-in-law is up to no good and your spouse totally calls her out. It's not easy to stand up to the people we love, so when your spouse does it in your defense and out of love for you, be prepared to feel as if you've got a modern-day hero.

2/11...... 31

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Happy Birthday Baby.... I Love You!