I Don’t Ask My Spouse For Permission

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When my neighbor invited me to a girls-only dinner with the rest of the ladies in our neighborhood, I did a lot of things. I checked my calendar. I looked up the restaurant online to scope out the menu (and let’s be honest, the martini selection). I texted to see what everybody else was planning to wear. I changed my mind about my outfit like six times. I debated whether to carry my big purse or just a clutch and whether or not I’d be cold without a jacket.

But of all those things, do you know what I didn’t do?

I didn’t ask my husband if it was OK for me to go.

Sure, I ran it by him, because that’s called consideration. “Hey, Honey, I’m going to dinner with the girls on Wednesday evening. Are you gonna be home, or should I arrange for a sitter?”
But there’s a difference between having the courtesy to let your spouse know you’ve got something planned, and actually asking for their permission.

The great thing about being an adult is that you are no longer under anyone else’s thumb. I never got the pony I begged for as a child, but now that I’m a bona fide grown-up, I could have that pony by this weekend if I wanted to. I could keep it in my living room if I so desired. And there wouldn’t be a damn thing anybody can do about it because I’m an adult and I don’t have to answer to anyone anymore (except maybe the police, but hey).

All right, so that’s a pretty far-fetched example. I would never really buy a pony on a whim and keep it in my living room. But the point is, I didn’t grow up and leave my folks’ house just to move in with someone else who’s going to tell me what I can and can’t do. My husband isn’t my parent; he’s my partner.

Kids have to ask permission for things because their parents are in control. And for good reason: Kids don’t have the best judgment. If they never had to ask permission for anything, they’d stay up late every school night and eat candy for breakfast every morning. As parents, it’s our job to veto some of the things they want because it’s in their best interest. We see consequences where they only see whims, and so we protect them from those consequences by telling them no. This is the nature of the parent/child relationship, dictating (or at least guiding) their choices until they learn to realistically weigh the pros and cons on their own.

But to ask your spouse for permission implies that you can’t be trusted to make a good decision by yourself, and I just can’t get on board with that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with running your plans by one another first. (In fact, it’d be pretty shitty not to.) But this is a common courtesy to make sure you’re not double-booking or forgetting something important.

For example, my husband might want to sign our son up for soccer, but it would mean committing me to driving to an early practice once a week, so he talks to me about it first. Or he wants to purchase a new laptop, but when he tells me, I remind him that we’ve got to replace the tires on the car next month. From there, I leave it alone because he’s an adult and I trust him to make a reasonable choice, one that’s in the best interest of everyone involved.

It is for this very reason that our fairly traditional wedding vows omitted the part about “obeying your spouse.” Love? Check. Honor? Absolutely. But obey? That’s a big hell naw. I want my dog to obey, not my husband. I don’t feel the need to control him, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who wants to dictate what I’m allowed (or not allowed) to do. Trust is a huge component of a successful relationship, and if the level of trust is low enough that one of you feels the need to control the other’s actions, then you’ve got deeper issues to discuss than, say, your Friday night plans.

I have no desire to act like my husband’s mom. I have enough kids, and I’m asked for permission a bazillion times a day as it is.

When it comes to making a choice for myself, it’s nice to know that I’m not married to someone who feels the need — or the power — to “let” me do something.

23 Tweets That Perfectly Sum Up The First Year Of Marriage

1. When you don’t even know your own name anymore.

Twitter: @aimiesarah

2. When the honeymoon phase is in full force.

Twitter: @PetersSugarTits

3. When you find creative ways to share special moments.

Twitter: @hashtag

4. When people assume you have that baby fever.

Twitter: @HyperHeather11

5. When your mom LEGIT has that baby fever and is not subtle about it.

Twitter: @teresa_franco

6. When you have to decide whose family you’d rather have mad at you.

Twitter: @thegingerMC

7. When sharing a sense of humor matters.

Twitter: @erinwoohoo

8. When you’ve still got that honeymoon glow.

Twitter: @khelene

9. When you just don’t get some traditions.

Twitter: @DiamondsintheLi

10. When “thank you” notes become a dangerous game.

Twitter: @raylor_toss

11. When you have to share EVERYTHING.

Twitter: @v_nrmn

12. When you get to make the rules.

Twitter: @noksangoma

13. When your new spouse starts getting comfortable and lazy.

Twitter: @AshliMazer

14. When you realize you married a monster.

Twitter: @dzandone

15. When you really get each other.

16. When you have to put your HGTV dreams on hold.

Twitter: @alison_boleware

17. When you have a daily identity crisis.

Twitter: @wwwwd2

18. When the bed is suddenly smaller than you remember.

Twitter: @jlinehan9

19. When you are a house divided.

Twitter: @jax_drake

20. When you realized you also married their family.

Twitter: @fessi_jloyd

21. When even grandpa knows what’s up. ;)

Twitter: @linswesterfield

22. When it’s time to make the really tough choices.

Twitter: @mrscooper2013

23. When the honeymoon is over, but some things just linger.

6 Things Happy Couples Do Differently

Whenever my husband and I tell others we are married with two kids, they are usually really surprised. Mostly because of our age and because we live in a time where true commitment and healthy relationships are a rarity. The average age for marriage in the 1950’s (aka our grandparent’s generation) was between 20-24 years old. Today, people who marry between those ages have the highest rate of divorce. How did we get to this point?
People’s expectations of relationships seem to be set by Hollywood and social media’s standards, blurring their perception of reality. Because of that (and other factors, like not having an example to follow), those same people don’t know how to have or maintain a healthy, happy relationship. Sometimes people learn how to have one after going through a bad relationship (I touched on my experience briefly here) but more often than not the cycle continues. Read on to find out 6 things happy couples do differently and why you should be doing them differently, too.

1. They aren’t petty.

When I say petty, I mean that if the other person hurts them in some way, they don’t try to hurt them back. They don’t seek out revenge or feel the need to “get even”. That kind of behavior is mildly acceptable in high school, for the simple fact that you aren’t mature enough to know better, but not in an adult relationship. No one is perfect and there is always room for improvement… for every one.
People in happy relationships can also admit when they are in the wrong, instead of always blaming the other person for any problem that arises. When there is an argument in a happy relationship they figure out a way to resolve it, forgive each other and move on.

2. They don’t break up left and right.

After I went through a relationship that was constantly on and off, I realized how stupid it was to have gone back after the third, fourth, fifth…. sixteenth time we broke up. How did I expect that relationship to last if we always wanted to leave each other? What was the point of getting back together if in a week we would be done again? People in happy relationships don’t break up over small things. They value each other and will do anything to avoid losing what they have.

3. They know that love is not enough.

Sure, the idea of love is great. But saying “I love you” is only a phrase if there are no actions behind it. In order to do that, both people need to be unselfish. From praising them to others and writing love notes to being a shoulder to cry on and never abandoning them in their time of need, happy couples show their love for each other often and in many ways.

4. They appreciate what they have in front of them.

They don’t focus on the things the other person doesn’t have or doesn’t do. They don’t compare their relationship to others, asking “Why can’t he/she be like so and so?”. This doesn’t mean they don’t ever get annoyed of each other. Trust me, that’s expected every now and then. Happy couples are grateful and feel satisfied overall with who they chose to be with. They don’t want or need to be with anyone else, even during the rough patches.
 

5. They respect each other.

Respect is defined as, “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” It is the most important factor in any relationship. It is something that everyone deserves and without it, your relationship is destined for failure. In a happy relationship, there is no physical or verbal abuse and no one has control over the other. Everything is mutual.

6. They grow together.

Happy couples build each other up, they set goals and push each other to accomplish them, all the while cheering them on. They care about their futures, as they may be aligned one day. They want to see each other succeed and do everything they can to support each other. They hold each other accountable and don’t let each other quit. They are a team working with each other, not against.
True happiness comes from within, so you won’t be able to be in a happy relationship if you aren’t happy with yourself.  If you don’t know how to love yourself, how could you possibly love someone else?

5 Moments in Your Marriage That Will Give You Major Feels

Photo: Getty Images
 

There's a moment everyone talks about when it comes to a wedding: It's the second the groom spots his bride walking down the aisle and the lovebirds lock eyes. He chokes up, she grins from ear-to-ear, and the joy between them is so thick you could cut it with a cake knife. With so much love packed into a single moment, it seems as if it can't get better than that.

But the good news is that it does get better from that moment on. Over the course of a long and healthy marriage, there are myriad moments that will give you the same tear-jerking, warm-and-fuzzy feels as the second you spotted each other at your wedding ceremony. Here are five you might experience.

1. The moment you realize it's all about we.
Sure, when you were dating — and especially if you lived together before you tied the knot — you got used to throwing out the we word: We'll be at the party, we're taking a trip to Italy, we aren't fans of The Big Bang Theory. But there will come a time post-wedding in which it really hits you that you're a unit. You're in this together, forever, and the word we takes on a whole new and massive meaning. Be prepared with tissues when it does.

2. The moment you establish your first tradition.
Whether you decide to buck the national trend and serve fish for Thanksgiving Debra Barone-style or buy a Christmas ornament for each other each year, the moment you decide "we're doing this awesome act from this holiday forward" will hit you with major merry emotions. Because there's nothing like having a tradition you started together and that you know you can look forward to each and every year.


3. The moment after you solve your first big married fight.
It's hardly your first bickering match. But married arguments are different: There's no easy escape route when your husband or wife does something you can't stand. There's also a serious sense of satisfaction, relief, and partnership when you work through and work out your differences because you're in this commitment for the long haul. No one is taking the easy way out, and that feels amazing.

4. The moment your spouse just knows what you need.
No, your partner doesn't have a 24/7 crystal ball that reveals what you want or need in any given moment. And believing he or she should is simply setting yourself up for disappointment. But you will have one or a dozen moments in which he or she will slam-dunk exactly what you want, whether that's a glass of water on a hot day or a weekend getaway to Las Vegas. And in that moment, you'll feel incredibly grateful that there's one person in the world who knows you this well.

5. The moment your spouse takes your side over someone else he or she loves.
Nothing will make you feel like more of a family unit than when your monster-in-law is up to no good and your spouse totally calls her out. It's not easy to stand up to the people we love, so when your spouse does it in your defense and out of love for you, be prepared to feel as if you've got a modern-day hero.

Man Proposes To Girlfriend 148 Times Before She Even Notices

A hopeless romantic in Grimsby, England, asked his girlfriend to marry him 148 times over the course of six months, but she didn't even notice.

Ray Smith discreetly placed a card reading "Will you marry me?" in 148 photographs he took of and with his partner, Claire Bramley, from July to December last year. But she remained blissfully unaware.

Smith ended up playing Bramley a montage of all the images, which included family and friends also popping the question on his behalf, on Christmas Day. 

YouTube/Ray Smith

Claire Bramley, left, had no idea that Ray Smith, right, was popping the question in the pictures they took together.

The clip ended with Smith directly asking Bramley for her hand in marriage more than six months after his first "proposal." She said yes. 

The couple are now planning their wedding for 2017, and Smith's video is going viral, according to the Grimsby Telegraph.

"I had no clue, I was totally oblivious to it all," Bramley, 33, who is eight months pregnant with the couple's first child, told Metro. "He told me he was taking the pictures to create memories for the baby, so I just let him get on with it."

Smith, 38, said it was "hard work not getting caught."

YouTube/Ray Smith 

 

Bramley didn't notice her boyfriend was asking her to marry him because he took different versions of each photo, sometimes without the message.

According to a YouTube post, Smith took numerous photographs of each situation, sometimes without the card in the shot. That way, he could show Bramley those photos if she asked to see them.

Dean Smith, no relation, pulled a similar stunt before popping the question to his girlfriend, Jennifer Kessel, in Aruba last January.

9 Signs You're Ready to Move In Together

Moving in with your partner is pretty major. And that’s why it’s so important to only make the big move when you’re confident you can weather the good and the bad that comes with the (shared) territory.

Think you’re prepared to take the plunge? Look for these nine signs that you’re ready to move in together.

 

 

Photo by Adrienne Gunde on Bridal Musings via Lover.ly

 

1. You already have a drawer at his or her place… and it’s overflowing. Might as well move all your other stuff there, too, right?

 

2. You’re comfortable spending time apart. No matter how much you love spending time with your partner, everyone needs some alone time, and it’s harder to come by when you share a place. Make sure you two are able to get some me-time and are comfortable setting boundaries.

 

3. Your pets get along. They’ll have to live together, too! Have a trial sleepover to see how they get along, and once everybody's ready, try giving them some alone time.

 

4. You’ve talked about the future. While you definitely don’t need to be engaged or married to live together, talking about the future with your partner shouldn’t make either one of you squeamish. After all, you’re locked in for the length of your lease, at the very least! It’s good to discuss if you want to eventually tie the knot, how long you want to live in the same place, and other somewhat long-term plans.

 

5. You know how to fight fair. Every couple quarrels from time to time, and when you live in close quarters, it may happen a little more frequently. Make sure you know how to fight fair so that you don’t mind eating breakfast with your “enemy” the next morning.

 

6. You have separate friends and hobbies. Because you’re going to want to get away and vent about your new roommate at some point.

 

7. Your financials are out in the open. It’s not romantic, but it’s a fact that moving in together means handling at least some finances together. Secrets are not an option when you have to pay for food, furniture, utilities and rent. You should both be honest about expenses, debt, loans and spending habits so you’re both on the same page.

 

8. Your partner loves the chores you hate. You can’t stand vacuuming, but she doesn’t mind? Clearly you were made to live together! We’re mostly kidding, but you should have an idea of how you’ll divvy up chores. If you make dinner together and both help do the dishes, you’ve got a keeper.

 

9. The whole bathroom thing isn’t awkward. Yeah, we said it. You shouldn’t feel weird doing your bathroom business with your partner in the next room. If you do, it’s going to be a pretty uncomfortable living situation. Hey, it's the truth!

 

The most important piece of advice is to trust your gut. There’s no hard-and-fast rules that dictate when you’re ready to share a space. It comes down to how you feel and what you want.

4 Signs Your Parents Are Ruining Your Relationship

Photo: Getty Images
 
Your parents have always wanted the best for you, and they certainly do for your marriage, too. But unfortunately, even the best intentions can have unpleasant consequences. Here are four times your parents might accidentally be ruining your relationship, and how to deal.

They're intrusive.
You gave them a key to your house for emergencies — but in the last two weeks, they've dropped over four times, bypassing the front door in favor of letting themselves in through the back to deliver baked goods or simply shoot the breeze. While it's nice to be close to your family, allowing them to get too close can actually impede on your alone time and put a wedge between you and your spouse. It's time to nicely ask them to call before they come by. "You've imposed a boundary, so they may limit their gifts or [affection] since they don't have the control they thought they had," says April Masini, relationship expert. "But that's okay — and it's a transition into your marriage."

They treat you like babies.
Before you got married, you may have turned to Mom and Dad for advice on everything from selecting a home mortgage to what to wear to your friend's wedding. The residual effect, however, might be that your parents aren't ready to let you make your own decisions — even with your spouse. "Thank your parents for their love and support, and ask that you be the one to carry the ball forward," suggest Masini. "In other words, give them the clear message that you've got this one. Tell them that you know you're going to make mistakes in life — hopefully very few and small ones — and move forward on your own, as a new couple."


They set a bad example for you.
Whether your parents long ago split or they remain together but you often spot them fighting dirty or unwilling to compromise, their bad habits may be eking into your otherwise good marriage. If you catch yourself name-calling just like Mom and Dad do, it might be time to step back and say, "It doesn't work for them — and I'm not going to let that happen to me."

They ignore your rules for your children.
As new grandparents, your Mom and Dad are eager to soak up as much time with the tots as possible — and impart their child-rearing wisdom, of course. Recommendations are always welcome, but ignoring your rules for your kids can ignite fights between you and your spouse, who may feel your authority as parents is being challenged. Tell your parents that "you're pretty sure that they can help," says Masini, "but ask them to let go of their expectations and focus instead on yours." In other words, she says, "you're telling them thank you — and it's time for them to cut the cord. You can't say the latter phrase — but it's what you're saying in more polite words."

6 Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage

If you've been married more than a few years, you probably wouldn't describe your marriage or sex life as "spicy." Even if you started out in the "habanero pepper" range on the spicy scale, you've probably ended up in the "salt and pepper with a dash of Tabasco" range. But you don't have to stay there. Couples can and do add fun, heat and excitement to their marriages. If you're ready to do the same, here are 6 ways you and your spouse can spice things up:





• Prioritize time for the two of you. It's hard to create or maintain a hot marriage when you're too busy to connect with your spouse. But that's exactly where most married couples, especially those with children, find themselves. Both spouses are running all day, every day -- to work, to school, to soccer practice, to meetings. When they collapse into bed at the end of the day, spicy sex no longer seems like a priority. So plan time every week just to connect with your spouse. Find the time by simplifying other areas of your life or saying no to activities that just aren't as important as spending time together.


• Talk about it. Honestly, this one is hard. It may actually be easier to just go for it and try something new than to actually talk about your sex life. I'm terrible at this, and my poor communication has caused problems in my marriage more than once. So don't be like me. Instead, open up the conversation. Tell your spouse that you value your marriage and sex life and want to spice things up. Then listen to what he or she has to say and talk about it. And don't assume that it's "one and done" -- come back to the conversation and continue it regularly.


• Schedule sex. Yeah, I know. Scheduling sex doesn't seem very spicy. As a matter of fact, it seems downright boring. But you know what's even more boring? Not having sex because you didn't schedule it and then life came along and consumed all of your time and energy. The reality is, in order to spice up your marriage, you need to be having sex. Regularly. So talk with your spouse and figure out ways to get it on your calendar. Every week. A couple of times a week.


• Change something. Most couples fall into the habit of doing the same thing at the same time in the same place. So mix things up a bit. Every third time you have sex, change one thing -- the location, the time, the attire, the position. And most of the time keep it simple -- "change the location" doesn't have to mean "go to a hotel." It can mean "have sex on the floor or in the dining room."


• Add something. One of the easiest ways to spice up your sex life is to add something new. If you're like me, you've gotten pretty comfortable with your regular repertoire. Which is fine, except when it becomes the same old same old. So once or twice a month, add something new -- a game, music, a toy, a position. Agree with your spouse on what you're going to try ahead of time, and don't insist on something that makes him or her uncomfortable.


• Step out of your comfort zone. Although you should never insist that your spouse move out of his or her comfort zone, it's perfectly fine (and a good idea!) to encourage yourself to step out of yours. Sex in the comfort zone is great -- it probably makes up 95% of sex in most marriages. But if you're looking for more energy and excitement in your sex life, you probably won't find it there. So every once in a while, push your boundaries a bit and try something you haven't been willing to try in the past -- maybe something your spouse has mentioned or something you've often thought might be fun. Start small and see how it goes. It may be great or it may be a total flop, but it will give you and your spouse something to talk about and create a launching point for trying something else new and different.


Whether you've been married 5 years or 35 years or more, you can enjoy a fun, hot and spicy marriage. My husband and I have been married for 30 years, and our marriage is spicier now than it's ever been (albeit still a work in progress!) If your marriage has cooled off and you'd like to heat it up, take steps to get the ball rolling. Although you'll need your spouse's help in order to make significant changes, you can take the initiative to start moving things in a hotter direction.


Originally published on CalmHealthySexy.

25 Bold Statements You Should Make About Your Marriage Today

Whenever I am nervous about something in my professional life, it is a must that I give myself a motivational pep talk. I typically look in the mirror and remind myself that I’m stronger than I know and actually say “You can do it, You can do it, You can do it.” This statement inspires me and confirms there isn’t a task placed in front of me that’s too difficult for me to accomplish.

Although I appreciate the wins I have in business, nothing can compare to the successes I experience in my marriage, which will not come without proper planning.

The truth is, a marriage can’t survive without setting goals and having good intentions. The same idea behind motivating ourselves to achieve our career goals, can also happen in our marriage. 

Building our relationships up and using words of affirmation speaks life into our marriages. Couples must start expecting success. Those expectations will quickly turn into positive behaviors, only enhancing the quality of a relationship and increasing the chances of its survival. 

Words have transformative powers. Use them wisely and watch what happens in your relationship as a result. The 25 bold statements below are just a few examples of the positive phrases you can use for your marriage.

• I will fight to stay in this marriage
• I will fight for this marriage
• I will try as hard to keep my spouse as I did to get him/her
• I am in control of my temptations and I will remain faithful to my spouse
• I will never intentionally hurt my spouse
• I will be excited about loving and taking care of my spouse.
• I will defend my spouse and protect my marriage

• We are stronger and better together
• We will live a Mark 10:9 marriage, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
• We are both working to make this the best marriage possible for one another
• We expect our marriage to succeed
• We will not allow anyone or anything to break our bond
• We are prepared to do all that’s necessary to maintain a happy and healthy marriage
• We got this!

• Our marriage is built on a solid foundation of love, trust and friendship
• Our marriage can survive anything
• Our marriage includes two people who are willing to communicate effectively and make sacrifices
• Our marriage was designed by God  
• Our marriage is healthy
• My love for my spouse is unconditional
• My spouse is my priority
• My vows matter and remind me of the spouse I promised to be
• My spouse is my best friend
• My spouse still excites me
• My marriage is beautiful

Even if the above statements aren’t true in your marriage right now, know it can change at any moment. These 25 phrases are just the beginning.  Remember, they aren’t to be said lightly; actions must accompany them. If you find you aren’t quite ready to commit to these words, it’s best to hold off. They won’t work without an honest effort.

15 Love Notes From Couples Who Have The Relationship Thing Down Pat

In a time when couples all-too-frequently communicate via text message, Gchat and email, there's something extra special about a handwritten love note.


Below are 15 cute notes from lovebirds who took the extra time to put pen to paper. Some are sassy, others are sweet -- but all of them are worth holding on to.

1

 

candileigh83/Instagram

"You're never too old to leave love notes on the mirror. Happy anniversary to my honey and very best friend."

2

 

Megan Iurilli

"After a rather cranky start to the morning, involving a small argument over something rather unimportant, I showed up at my husband's office with a peace offering. He loved the note best of all."

3

 

Amy Mason/Instagram

"Lucky girl."

4

 

Kristen Troccolo/Instagram

"Tim always leaves the house before me, but today I left first and came home to this love note and a few others scattered throughout the house. It's the little things." 

5

 

Heather Middleton Isaacs

"I found this in the drawer of my makeup desk."

6

 

Jessica Pinsly

"For our wedding anniversary, he surprised me in the bathroom with a note." 

7

Michelle Doré

"Morning coffee cup ready."

8

Kaitlynne Carney

"My husband sent me this 'memo' that he made for himself. We just found out that we are expecting our second child! I am one lucky lady!"

9

 

LeAnn James

"My fiancé leaves notes for me regularly, for which I am very grateful. I'm sappy and such a sucker for them!" 

10

 

Stephanie Stevenson

"This note was on my Timehop app. My son Cy was 2 years old then."

11

Jennifer Rachel

"My boyfriend left this for me when he went to work before I woke up. I'm always losing my glasses then spending the day without them and ending up with a migraine."

12

deklahpolansky/Instagram

"Love note found on my desk at the end of the day."

13

 

Cara Thomason Embry

"My loving husband of six years often leaves me and our little daughters love notes on our bathroom mirror. He leaves really early in the morning for work so I always wake up to a sweet note in the morning!"

14

AmberMayFire/Instagram

"It's the little things."

15

 
James Silva
"Best part of my first day back to work."