Marriage Advice: The 10 Things I've Learned After 10 Years Of Marriage

By Sasha Emmons for iVillage.


Last week was my 10th wedding anniversary. Ten years and a few pounds ago, my husband and I stood before our loved ones and promised to love, honor, cherish and protect. I had no idea we’d go on to become parents to a daughter and a son, buy and sell three homes, move to another country -- and struggle with every single one of those vows. But even though our marriage is not perfect, I would do it again in a second.

Looking back on the last decade, I’ve learned so much about how to keep a relationship going and how easily it can be undermined. I don’t practice all of the below all the time or even most of the time (my husband is nodding in agreement), yet I believe it’s all worth striving for, even if you never quite get there.

1. Be on each other’s side no matter what. There’s no way someone you share a bathroom with isn’t going to get on your last nerve sometimes, but resist the urge to throw each other under the bus in front of other people. In order for real trust to grow, you need to know there’s someone in the world who always has your back, even at your most annoying or neurotic. This us-against-the-world mentality doesn’t mean you can never tell your spouse you think he’s wrong, but you can make sure you always do it in private, and always with kindness and the benefit of the doubt.
2. Forget the ledger. I have a terrible habit of keeping track of who’s doing more around the house (of course, me) and who’s owed a break from the little people (again, me. See? I’m terrible). Yet keeping mental track of the parenting ledger is a fool’s errand. First of all, in the big messy tally of life, can you ever really get to equal? We tell our kids all the time that things aren’t always equal and it’s true. Also, the martyr mindset taints every interaction with your spouse and can keep you from noticing the stuff he is doing, which is probably more than you think.
3. Marriage can make you feel like a bad person. If you’re like me, before you got married (and before you had kids, for that matter), you thought you pretty much had it all together. But having someone stuck with you means you can’t always be on your best behavior, and you will be astounded at your own pettiness and impatience. It’s grueling work, marriage, but it also forces you to evolve as a person in ways you’ve never been challenged to before. It might feel bad to be so acutely aware of your shortcomings, but you’re a better person for working on them.
4. Treat your husband like your child. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying use baby talk or give him time-outs, even if he leaves his coffee cup on the dresser every.single.day. What I mean is that we all want the good things we do to be noticed, and that’s why positive reinforcement works. Don’t you find your kids cooperate so much better when you catch them doing something right rather than nagging them for something they did wrong? When someone believes in the best version of you, you up your game.
5. Boring is okay. My husband and I used to go out all the time, travel to amazing places and socialize with a wide circle of interesting people. Now we pass out on the sofa at 9 p.m. It’s important to dabble outside your comfort zone, for your own as well as your partner’s happiness, but there’s something to be said for comforting routines and low drama. We'll have time to shake things up once the kids are older, but for now, raising kids provides plenty of ups and downs.
6. Don’t let your husband become something on your to-do list. I never quite understand people who say they put their spouse before their kids. I’m not offended, just baffled. How exactly do you put more focus on your spouse when butts need to be wiped, scary dreams cuddled away and healthy meals prepared? When you have so much to do, it’s easy to let even the formerly fun stuff become another chore. Nookie with hubs? Check! Ask about his day? Check! But you must fight tooth and nail to keep that from happening. Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and think of each other as a respite from all the Stuff That Needs Doing.
7. Laugh at yourself. I find that laughter is the balm that can unstick most conflicts. Being vulnerable enough to laugh at yourself leads to a special kind of intimacy. After all, who can be mad at a guy who just learned what twerking is and is trying it out on you while you load the dishwasher?
8. Don’t take things out on each other. Last year we moved to my husband’s hometown of Toronto. It’s been a long, tough year of adjustment, big expenses and red tape, and I find myself angry sometimes. Guess who I sometimes want to blame, despite the fact that this was a completely mutual decision? One day I actually convinced myself he was a jerk for being Canadian. But fortunately, I realize (now) that my anger at the world or anger at myself should not land on his doorstep. It’s up to me to work it out, not him.
9. Turn off the TV. When I’ve had a long, exhausting day, and my mind is going 90 mph, the fastest way to zen is checking out with the boob tube. Sure, my husband and I love us some Abu Nazir, but remember: after the kids go to bed is prime time for long-form adult conversation, not just trading details about who needs to go where when. It’s okay to zone out in front of the TV every now and then, but don’t waste the opportunity to just sit and talk sometimes.
10. Keep working at it (especially if you have kids). The gifts you get from having children are as profound as the ones you gain from marriage. But are kids compatible with your relationship? To be honest, I’m not sure. I can tell you I love parts of my husband I didn’t even know existed pre-kids, like when my daughter buries her head in his shoulder or my son kisses him right on the lips. But kids do a number on your energy and steal the majority of your time, which means sometimes your partner is left with the dregs.

You have to work hard on your marriage to survive kids, staying interested enough in each other to click when it’s just the two of you again. If you can find a way to hang on to being both a spouse and a parent, without totally sucking at either, well, I call that a success.

Complete Wedding-Day Timeline

The secret to a stress-free wedding day? Scheduling enough prep time! Here, get a complete breakdown to what happens when on your wedding day.

 

By: Kristen O'Gorman Klein

 

 

Photo Credit: Husar Photography
Bride's hair: One hour. "This gives enough time to get it right and make any tweaks or changes from the trial run," said hair stylist Kacee Geoffroy.

Bride's makeup: 45 to 60 minutes, depending on the makeup style the bride selects, according to makeup artist Erica of 10.11 Makeup.

Bridesmaids' hair: 30 minutes per person.

Bridesmaids' makeup: 45 minutes per person.

The order: When your hairstylist arrives, have her start on your bridesmaids first. "I prefer to have the bride go last so that when her photographer arrives, they catch those last-minute 'getting ready' shots, and the bride looks the freshest," said Geoffroy.

Instead, the bride should start with makeup. "We like to prep the bride's face first, let her relax and enjoy the day, and then allow her the last two hours of time for final styling," said Erica. "But it depends on the bride's preference as well. Regardless, with proper makeup application, her look will last."

When should the photographer arrive? One hour before the bride is ready to go. "It's generally best to arrive during the bride's hair and makeup. The latter portion of the hair and makeup styling, when the bride is closer to being finished, makes for more flattering photos," said photographer Suzy Clement. This also gives your photographer plenty of time to capture the details — gown, shoes, jewelry, etc. — in addition to the hustle and bustle of the room and the often emotional interactions between the bride and her bridesmaids and relatives," said Clement.

If you have more than yourself plus four getting hair done, ask your stylist to bring an assistant to cut down on time. For makeup, add an assistant after yourself plus two.

If you're traveling to a salon, double the travel time you anticipate — better to have too much time than not enough, advises Geoffroy.

Put on your veil after the dress. Consider asking your stylist to stick around until then to make sure your veil is secure.

Pre-ceremony photos of the bride with her family and attendants/groom with his family and attendants: Two to three minutes per shot; more if the groups are very large, and less if they are very small. "You must also consider how punctual the groups tend to be and possibly cushion the schedule to allow for unexpected delays," said Clement.

First look: 15-30 minutes.

Photo Credit: Susan Jackson Photography
Groom and groomsmen arrive: An hour and a half before the ceremony.

Bride and bridesmaids arrive: An hour* before the ceremony. "We want to make sure you are hidden before your guests arrive, so they don't get an early peek at your gown!" said wedding planner Erin McLean of Erin McLean Events.

*If the bride won't be taking photos at the church prior to the ceremony, then she can arrive moments before walking down the aisle and wait in the limo until it's time.

Ideal ceremony length: 30 minutes. "It's enough time to have meaningful readings and music to make your ceremony unique and memorable," said McLean.

Receiving line: For a ceremony with 100 guests or less, this will take 12-15 minutes. With 150 guests, allow 20 minutes. If you're expecting more than 150 guests, consider skipping the receiving line and visiting guests at their tables during dinner instead.

Maximum gap between ceremony and reception: One hour. "Any more than that, and I'd recommend suggesting places for your guests to visit between the ceremony and cocktail hour," said McLean.

Photo Credit: Joe Simon Wedding Films
Family photos: Two to three minutes per shot — if your family is properly organized!

Bridal party: Two to three minutes per shot. "I like to keep these simple, as my clients are always eager to make it to their cocktail party," said Clement.

Didn't have a first look? Allow 30 minutes post-ceremony for photos of you and your groom. If you did have a first look, you'll still want 15-20 minutes post-ceremony for just the two of you.

Save photos of very large groups (like classmates, coworkers, and large extended family groups) for the reception, when your DJ or band leader can make an announcement to gather everyone. You'll be able to take the photos much faster than trying to track down 50 people during the cocktail hour.

Tip: The best way to save time taking photos is by being prepared. "I work with my clients in detail prior to the ceremony to compile a list of all the necessary shots and who is in each one. This ensures the couple and their families have all their needs met, while saving a lot of time and confusion while shooting," said Clement. "It also allows me to politely manage family members who ask for additional shots during the session. I simply tell them we are covering the list first and, if there is time at the end, we'd be happy to add any additional shots they'd like."

Also, think about where exactly you'll want to take your photos. If your photographer isn't familiar with the site, see if he or she would mind scouting it out. "This is a huge time saver on the wedding day!" said Clement.

Photo Credit: Holli B Photography
Ideal length: Six hours. "This will allow an hour for cocktails, two hours for dinner, and three hours for dancing," according to Blue Bird Productions.

Order of events:

First dance: The most common timing is immediately after the bride and groom enter the reception, but you can also do your first dance following the conclusion of dinner or right after dessert.

Father/daughter dance: Immediately following the first dance.

Mother/son dance: Immediately following the father/daughter dance. Or, sometimes, this dance is shared with the father/daughter dance.

Welcome toast: Given by the father of the bride or by the bride and groom.

First course (salad/appetizer) served

Toasts: Ladies first! Start with the maid of honor, followed by the best man.

Second course (main course) served

Toasts: The bride and groom can give a toast here, if desired.

Guests invited to dance: Open up the dance floor, and get the party started!

Cake cutting: Two hours before the reception ends. "The cake will then be passed on trays or set on a table alongside other fun sweets for guests who may want a sugar boost after dancing for a while," said Blue Bird Productions. Other couples opt to cut the cake earlier in the night, like following their introduction or the toasts. "This ensures that all guests see the cake being cut and allows the bride and groom to have fewer obligations throughout the night."

Bouquet and garter tosses: Right after the cake cutting, or about two hours before the end of the reception.

Late-night snacks: A popular trend, many couples start passing around bite-size snacks at this point to refuel guests.

Farewell: If you're doing a sparkler farewell, for example, have guests start lining up about 10 minutes before you plan to exit.

Wedding Planning: 10 Things Brides Forget To Do

By Stefania Sainato for Bridal Guide

I’m getting married this weekend — it feels so strange to type that out! — and now that all of the final arrangements have been confirmed, it’s been a nonstop party. I took a happy hour cruise with my relatives from Italy who flew in for my wedding and I was treated to massages, brunch and cupcakes with my favorite ladies for my "spa-chelorette" party. Up next: My rehearsal dinner and final fitting with my MOHs.


I could get used to this... in fact, I got so carried away with the revelry that I forgot to do a few things. I neglected to include my fiancé, Jason, and myself in the final headcount (our maître d' couldn’t stop laughing) and finalize our transportation itinerary. Oops.


Since I’m suffering from a bad case of "wedding brain," I asked Valerie Gernhauser from Sapphire Events to share the most common tasks/items that brides either forget entirely or handle at the last minute before getting hitched. Follow her advice below, and try not to be too hard on yourself; after all, the most important thing is that you both successfully complete your vows. Everything else is just icing on top of the cake, as far as I'm concerned.



Photo Credit: Larsen's Photography

1. Bring your marriage license: "An important part of making it ‘official!’ Check with the jurisdiction where your ceremony will take place about any deadlines for applying for your marriage license well in advance of your wedding date and also whether a blood test or special documentation is required to complete your application. Start gathering your documents early so that when it comes time to get your license, you have everything you need and can make the process as efficient as possible."


2. Vendor meals: "Be sure you remember to feed the people that are working nonstop to make your day flawless! You’ll be expected to give your final guest count to your caterer within two weeks of your day, but don’t forget to include the number of vendors you’ll have so that the caterer can prepare simple meals for them, separate from your guests. Most caterers will count your vendor meals as half-price, so be sure to include your band members, photographer, videographer (and any second shooters), as well as your planner and their assistants."


Photo Credit: Erica Ferrone

3. Favors: "By no means are favors required, but they are a fantastic detail that each of your guests will appreciate! So don’t make your favors an afterthought — think about what you’ll present your guests as a ‘thank-you’ for coming at least two months in advance of your wedding date, so that you can place the bulk order of the items in time, and also personalize each one for that finishing
touch." (Check out 10 Edible Wedding Favors Your Guests Will Love.)


4. Guestbook and pens: "Include something for your guests to leave their well-wishes for you upon arriving at your reception…Many brides that leave this to the last minute might make a trip to a local book store for a coffee table book that’s characteristic of the place where they’re getting married or something that is special to the couple. This could be a favorite recipe book for cocktails or a book of historic mansions in the city where your nuptials take place. Also, don’t forget the pens!" (Check out 10 Unique Wedding Guest Book Picks.)



Photo Credit: Captured Photography By Jenny on Every Last Detail via Lover.ly

5. Invitation suite: "This is one of my favorite details to style and have photographed on the day of the wedding! Brides should remember to pack at least one full invitation suite and any other stationery details (rehearsal dinner invites, shower invites, save-the-dates) that were mailed out during the engagement to bring with them in the bridal prep suite the day of the wedding. If you have beautiful calligraphy and/or special envelope liners, bring more than one set — I always recommend two sets — so that your photographer can shoot the front and back of the invitation in the same frame."


6. Cake knife and toasting flutes: "You may receive these as a gift at your shower, opt to purchase your special set on your own, or use ones that have been handed down to you by parents or family members. When packing up your items to be placed at the reception, be sure to remember to pack your cake knife and toasting flutes (and keep the original packaging to avoid breakage) so that this detail will not be overlooked. Once this item is off your to-do list, you can focus on other things to pack — like your trousseau for the honeymoon!"


7. Tech chargers: "When it comes time to get ready in your bridal suite on the day of the wedding, have your electronics charged and ready to go! If you’re planning on using your iPod for any part of the reception music (i.e. your favorite recording of the first dance you and your groom will sway to), make sure you have the right charger and the correct connection to your band’s or DJ’s sound system. Also, keep your phone charged overnight. You’ll want to have it ready to go as soon as you leave for the honeymoon."



Photo Credit: Ashley Mauldin Photography

8. Passport and identification: "Speaking of the honeymoon, be sure your passport and driver’s license are up to date and packed safely in your carry-on luggage. Airport security will not let you get on the plane with expired identification, so be sure you have taken care of this detail one month before your wedding."


After the Wedding

9. Thank-you notes: "It's easy to let things fall by the wayside in the aftermath of your big day as the dust begins to settle, but your thank-you notes to your guests should be sent out no later than two months after your big day. Carve out fifteen minutes each day to dedicate to writing these notes, so that you don't get overwhelmed...Also, don't forget the important people in your life, including your parents, family members, and bridal party that were there with you through the planning from the beginning.



Photo Credit: Angel Canary Photography Inc.

10. Online reviews: "The people that have worked so hard to make your wedding day dreams come to fruition are often forgotten once the big day has passed. The best thank-you you can give your vendors is an honest review online and an email follow up. That is the only way that your vendors can continue to improve the level of service they provide to future brides, so your feedback is very important! Plan to carve out time to review your vendors within six months of the big day."

7 Famous Couples Who Started As Coworkers

Dating your coworkers can be risky -- but what if your soulmate is the person in the next cubicle?
An estimated 22 percent of American couples met at work, and 84 percent of Millennials have no problem with dating a coworker.


However, numerous people believe that dating within your workplace is asking for trouble. In an August 28 piece for New York Magazine, Ann Friedman explained why she refuses to date anyone she meets in a professional context: "To a certain extent, dating someone in your field is tethering your professional reputation to theirs, with results that aren’t always positive."


While I'm still undecided on the issue of workplace dating, a few high-profile couples who met as coworkers are living proof that it can work out. Here are seven of those pairs:


1. Bill and Melinda Gates. Melinda was hired by the tech corporation in 1987, and met Bill four months later when they were seated next to each other at a Microsoft press event in New York City. "He was funnier than I expected him to be," Melinda told the Independent.





2. Barack and Michelle Obama. The pair met in 1989 while working at Sidley Austin, a Chicago law firm. Michelle was assigned to mentor Barack, then a summer associate. "He sounded too good to be true," she once said of Barack's reputation.





3. Cass Sunstein and Samantha Power. Sunstein, a legal scholar, met Power, a Pulitzer prize-winning journalist and professor currently serving as the United States Ambassador to the United Nations, during the Obama campaign in 2008. They were both advisors on the campaign and began dating during the Iowa caucuses. "You know what they say," Sunstein told Esquire. "Obama brings people together."



Source: Talk Radio News


4. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The pair met while filming "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" in 2005, and publicly announced their relationship in 2006 after Pitt's divorce to Jennifer Aniston was finalized. “Not a lot of people get to see a movie where their parents fell in love,” Jolie told the New York Times in 2008 when asked what her children might think of the film.





5. Wendy Kopp and Richard Barth. Kopp, the founder of Teach For America, married the man who would become President of the KIPP Foundation after she interviewed him for a job in the early 90s.





6. Tina Brown and Harold Evans. In the 1970s, Brown worked as a freelancer for the Sunday Times, where Evans was the editor. Brown resigned from the Times and took a job at the Sunday Telegraph after a relationship formed between the two, and they married in 1981.





7. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. met on the set of "I Know What You Did Last Summer" in 1997. " Freddie and I experience everything together and grow together, and we learn new things about each other and about ourselves every day," Gellar told Cosmopolitan in 2004.

10 Fun New Ideas for Your Wedding Invitations

Move over, plain white card stock, and make way for the new trends in wedding stationery! These days, couples are opting for bold colors and eclectic fonts, throwing their own personality into their entire invitation suite. Today, we’re sharing a few of our favorites and giving you tons of inspiration to make your wedding day one to remember — right from the very beginning!



1. Forget the standard A7 size paper and use any shape you want!

Photo Credit: THE LEEKERS on Wedding Chicks via Lover.ly

 

2. Represent your hometown with a fun illustration:

Photo Credit: Gabe Aceves on Wedding Chicks via Lover.ly

 

3. Art Deco-inspired cards set the tone for a glamorous reception:

Photo Credit: Lizzy B Loves on Lizzy B Loves via Lover.ly

 

4. We love the feminine florals in this invitation suite:

Photo Credit: One Love Photo on Snippet and Ink via Lover.ly

 

5. How gorgeous are the envelope liners in this set?

Photo Credit: Jessica Claire on Wedding Chicks via Lover.ly

 

6. These rehearsal dinner invitations are vintage-inspired and a cute play on a circus theme:

Photo Credit: Kelly Oshiro Design on Kelly Oshiro via Lover.ly

 

7. Feathers are perfect for the upcoming fall season, and we love that these look hand-illustrated:

Photo Credit: Elizabeth In Love on Wedding Chicks via Lover.ly

 

8. Anchors away for these nautical-themed invitations:

Photo Credit: Jeremy Harwell of on Grey Likes Weddings via Lover.ly

 

9. There’s no guessing what this couple’s favorite hobby is!

Photo Credit: Jonathan Canlas on Southern Weddings via Lover.ly

 

10. Use a font that resembles handwriting to give your suite a cozy, ‘inviting’ feel:

Photo Credit: Jenny Grise on Snippet and Ink via Lover.ly

9 Ways To Have A Non-Cliche Hawaii Wedding

Love Hawaii, but hate the cliched, resort-style weddings it's famous for? Get adventurous and try one of these ridiculously awesome alternatives. Your guests will thank you.

1. Normally, nothing scares you, but saying your vows in front of everyone seems terrifying. Make it a more private experience by saying "I do" while falling from 12,000 feet. Sky dive into your reception from the breathtakingly scenic North Shore of Oahu and you'll have the ultimate glow from the adrenaline rush.





2. We've all seen dogs incorporated into weddings, but what about sea turtles or dolphins? Get hitched with Nemo as your witness with a scuba wedding. You won't be able to actually say your vows, but you'll exchange rings and use hand signals underwater to communicate your undying love. Nonverbal communication, after all, is the bedrock of a healthy marriage.





3. Not that into the whole white dress thing? Embrace the great nature in Hawaii and go au naturel for your wedding day. It may sound crazy at first, but there's something appealing about stripping away all the material aspects of the wedding industry...





4. Perhaps you've visited Hawaii and been turned off by the plethora of brides in Waikiki. You want something more intimate, something that captures all of Hawaii's beauty, but none of its tourists. Well, take a hike. Romantic destinations like dramatic cliffs and sweeping canyons are just a hike away.





5. You're starting a new life together; why not start the day together with a sunrise wedding. It's quiet, poetic, and beautiful. Haleakala crater on Maui is 10,000 feet above sea level and early risers who brave the chilly temperatures up there are typically above the cloud banks, giving you a heavenly view.





6. If you would move mountains for your loved one, why not climb one. For rock climbing enthusiasts, Hawaii offers a ton of boulders as well as some awesome crags, often with rainbow backdrops.





7. Want to make a statement about the passion in your relationship? For only money, you and your betrothed can be whisked away in a private helicopter and taken lava-side for your nuptials. Warning: it can get pretty hot.





8. Want to be surrounded by nature, but not necessarily in it? Enjoy the life aquatic from the comfort of an air-conditioned, private submarine and start your life together 130 feet underwater.





9. Surfing may be typically Hawaiian, but there's nothing commonplace about sitting in the middle of the serene blue water in your wedding dress. Plus, nothing says compatibility like being on the same wave, literally.

Guy Sees Wife For The First Time Again, Wigs Out Cause She's A Total Babe

This video made me smile... How sweet!

Photo of the Week

Band or DJ? Neither -- Go Classical

Denise Oliveira

Writer, Lawyer, Entrepreneur

 

 

Lots of brides and grooms-to-be get stuck in the band versus DJ debate, forgetting an additional musical possibility that can make their wedding day absolutely gorgeous: A chamber ensemble. If you haven't yet considered some live classical music to add a touch of grace and elegance to your wedding, here is everything you need to know to get started.

To get myself -- and you -- up to speed, I spoke with Duane Large, the Artistic Director of Philmore Ensemble. They've played tons of weddings and shared valuable advice for engaged couples.

Which instruments should we request to play at our wedding?

Your budget will probably determine that, because the more musicians you request, the more that will cost you. The typical ensemble for a wedding is often just a guitar and one other instrument, although this weekend we're playing a wedding with a violin, flute and cello trio. The lower budget option is a solo guitar.

What extra equipment does our venue need to set up for you?

We don't need any fancy set up, because we can play anywhere. I often get emails just before the wedding asking what we need, and I always say, 'Two chairs and an outlet nearby.'

What if our wedding is outdoors and there's no outlet?

We play acoustically all the time, both outdoors and in smaller venues.

We enjoy classical music but really know nothing about it, so how do we decide what songs you'll play?

Your musicians will offer suggestions. I have a list of material that works well for the different parts of the processional, for example. I know what brides tend to like for the family's entrance, and then for her own entrance (the Pachalbel Canon in D is a popular one). Also, Mendelssohn's Wedding March is a popular piece for the recessional. If a couple doesn't like these more typical ones, they should definitely ask the musicians to look into other repertoire. I just played a Spanish 16th century recessional piece, and the bride loved it.

When we're interviewing possible ensembles, what questions should we ask?

If you have an outdoor venue, then definitely ask how they would position themselves to be heard. Also ask how flexible they are in terms of changing their repertoire at the last-minute if you have a sudden change of heart. And if you want them to play more contemporary music doing your cocktail hour, ask them if that's something they're willing to do. Many ensembles will do that.

What's the most important tip you can give us regarding our ensemble?

Work with your musicians all the way through the wedding. In other words, don't just hire them and then forget about them and expect everything to run smoothly. Ideally, designate someone to be in charge of the ensemble and to show them where they'll be stationed, and to cue them when it's time to change the music. I played a wedding recently where the groomsmen were placed right in front of us, so we couldn't see anything and had to guess when it was time to change the music.

8 Things Power Couples Do Differently

 

 

Power couples can seem like intimidating forces, managing to have their own wildly successful careers as well as relationships. Though Beyonce and Jay Z are probably just superhuman, the secrets of how most power couples make it work aren't reserved for the mega-rich and famous.

Here are eight things power couples do right:

 

 

1. Brainstorm together. In a January 2008 Fortune magazine feature, Microsoft billionaire Bill Gates explained how much he depends on his wife Melinda's opinion. "Melinda and I would brainstorm about [the company]," He said. "You always benefit from your key confidante telling you, 'You think so-and-so stepped on your toes? Well, maybe he didn't mean to. Maybe you're wrong.'"

 

2. Work to improve themselves, individually and as a pair. In a March 2013 interview, Will Smith explained how he makes things work with his wife of 17 years, actress Jada Pinkett-Smith:

When we got started, we both truly connected on wanting to be better. That’s where it all started. There were other people that we were dating and other people that we were attracted to but there was a commitment to constantly be better that was what we connected on. Our whole world and relationship was that, “Hey, I know that I may not be all of that today but what I’m not going to do is lay around and not keep working to be better to deserve you.”

3. Support each others' pursuits and ambitions fully, even if that means taking turns. Sheryl Sandberg famously wrote in Lean In:

When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. Someone who thinks women should be smart, opinionated and ambitious. Someone who values fairness and expects or, even better, wants to do his share in the home. These men exist and, trust me, over time, nothing is sexier.

The Clintons have certainly supported each other's political careers. While Bill Clinton was running for and serving as president, Hillary supported him -- and it was his turn to champion her during her 2008 campaign. He may well be back in that supporting role during the 2016 elections... here's hoping.

 

4. Exercise together. Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer and her husband Zachary Bogue, an investor and former lawyer, make time to work out together. According to a profile of Mayer in the September 2013 issue of Vogue, the pair run half-marathons together and enjoying hiking and skiing.

 

 

5. Get divorced when it stops working. Sometimes a marriage just doesn't work out, and it's always best to know when it's time to let go. Power couples who have decided their relationship wasn't working any more include the insanely talented Amy Poehler and Will Arnett, who split up in September 2012 after nine years of marriage. "I'm 43, and I've found my happiness -- which is my kids," Arnett said in an interview with Details magazine. As Nora Ephron once wrote, "Never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from."

 

 

6. Avoid the limelight. Bill and Melinda Gates famously refused to talk to the press about their relationship, and a 1995 Seattle Times article reveals the extent to which the Gateses protected their privacy: "While I understand that your readers may find my story interesting because of the man I married, it is a personal decision for me not to share information about our relationship or my personal life with the world at large," Gates allegedly wrote to a reporter who wanted an interview shortly after she married Bill. Melinda didn't give her first public interview until 2008, when she finally broke her silence to discuss the Gates Foundation.

 

 

7. Follow their own interests -- even when they work in the same field. FLOTUS and POTUS are great examples of this as lawyers-turned-politicians. Though she has a number of official duties, Michelle Obama has often focused on her own passion projects, from Lets Move! to LGBT rights.

8. Compromise on scheduling. Stella & Dot founder Jessica Herrin has been married to her husband Chad, the VP of a Bay Area software company, for 14 years. She told the Huffington Post that the pair make sure their work and travel schedules complement each other:

[My husband and I] have [also] evolved our careers over time to work together as a family. His used to involve a lot more travel, and he switched his role so that we weren't going in two different directions at the same time.

Couple has wedding for under $2

Georgina Porteous and Sid Innes of the United Kingdom recently tied the knot in a ceremony that included the works: a cake, dress, reception and rings. Their grand total, minus the marriage license fee? $1.56.

“I don’t see the point in these massive weddings. It takes away from what marriage is truly about,” Porteous told the Daily Mail.

But hey, you don’t have to throw a massive wedding to rack up a big bill. The average cost of the dress alone is upwards of a thousand bucks, according to the Association of Bridal Consultants.


Indeed, the dress was Porteous’ biggest expense. Well, actually, that was her only expense. She found a 1960s handmade ivory wedding gown on Freecycle.com and paid less than two dollars for it, according to the Daily Mail.


So how did they pull off the rest of the ceremony? Rings were handcrafted from antlers the couple found in their garden. The photographer agreed to donate his services in exchange for some film editing work. The cake was made by Porteous’ aunt, guests brought food, and music was provided by the bride’s saxophone-playing father.

“We have always been a bit alternative and arty so I enjoyed doing something a little different from everyone else’s weddings,” the bride said.

Paula Patton: Robin Thicke's Wife Opens Up About Marriage

 

 

By Cindy Pearlman for YourTango.com

Hey, hey, hey! You know you want it ... Paula Patton spilling on her marriage to high school sweetheart Robin Thicke, that is.

"He's just the best," the actress describes her ultra-sexy hubby. "He's always so funny and he makes me laugh all the time."

"You're never luckier in life than when you're true partners in love, life, laughs, parenthood ... and partners in crime," says Patton, who arrived for our interview in a va-va-voom red Dolce & Gabbana form-fitting dress on an early Sunday morning at the Four Seasons Hotel. Here, we discuss her new movie Baggage Claim, finding true love ... and how Robin really feels about her sex scenes.

YourTango: Many women consider you the luckiest woman alive with a great career, gorgeous baby son and that husband.

Paula Patton: I am so blessed. I think hard times in life really make you appreciate the love and the good times. I've gone through some hard times, so I appreciate my great blessings every single day.

YourTango: What's the best part of being in love with Robin Thicke?

Paula Patton: He loves me so much and the feeling is mutual. The best is when you love someone deeply and those feelings are equally returned. Also, Robin is really there for me. When times are good or bad or sad or happy or boring, just having somebody by your side to help you through means everything. I know I can count on him standing right next to me always.

YourTango: Tell us about the upcoming Baggage Claim.

Paula Patton: I read the script when I was making Just Wright with Queen Latifah. I laughed out loud. I brought in my husband and my best friend. We sat around my living room and read the entire script out loud. Robin is great about doing that with me. I always wanted to do a romantic comedy. And this is a great romantic comedy about a woman seeking love.

YourTango: What is the key to finding real love?

Paula Patton: I think you really have to love yourself first. Find your own happiness and then go share it with someone else. You can't go looking for someone to give you your happiness.

YourTango: Finish this sentence. A great guy ...

Paula Patton: A great guy loves you with all of your baggage.

YourTango: Does Robin get upset when he sees you do love scenes?

Paula Patton: I'm not sure he likes to talk about [them]. He will just say, "That was a good role for you."

YourTango: There is also talk of another Mission Impossible.

Paula Patton: As for another Mission Impossible, oh gosh, I hope so. I think there is a lot of talk about it. I would love to work with Tom again, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

YourTango: How is life with your little guy Julian?

Paula Patton: He is getting to be such a big boy. Where did the time go? The minute you have a child, time speeds up. I feel like he just came out. Just like his Dad, he loves to sing. He wants to perform all the time. He wants to be like Daddy. He's such a special kid. Of course, everyone says that about their kid.

YourTango: How do you sum up your life?

Paula Patton: Lucky and blessed. And excited about tomorrow.

Friday Letters

 

 

Dear Body,

 

Please get better... I don't know whats going on but I do know I am over it. Lets recharge.

 

Dear 1st Anniversary,

 

You are coming up next month and I am so excited to celebrate love with my husband... Now what shall we do to celebrate?

 

Dear Football Season,

 

Welcome back! I have missed you and I look forward to hanging with you on Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays and any other day there are replays on NFL Network.

 

Dear BCM,

 

I cant believe that you are gone but I hope more than anything that you are at peace. I promise to keep you in my heart and think of you when I look up in the stars.

 

Dear Scott,

 

I know you have had a busy week but I want you to know I love you and I cant wait to spend some time with you. Try not to work too hard. XOXO

 

Have a great weekend everyone.

 

 

3 Signs You (Oops!) Bought the Wrong Wedding Dress -- Plus, What You Can Do to Fix It

By Kim Fusaro, Glamour




If you feel pretty, you'll look pretty! Dress 6362 from Hayley Paige. Courtesy of Hayley Paige.

It's totally normal to have doubts after you THINK you've found your dream wedding dress -- and (dun dun dun dun) handed over your plastic. What if you hate it when it arrives? What if you find something better?

Nine and half times out of 10, I've found the bride is still thrilled when her dress arrives. But here are three signs you might not be.


1) You're not quite comfortable with the cut. Maybe your mom encouraged you to go strapless, or a salesgirl convinced you that you HAD to have an open back. But any tugging and adjusting you're doing in the shop are going to be multiplied by 100 on your wedding day. If you feel awkward and uncomfortable in your gown, that's exactly how you're going to look walking down the aisle.

2) It has ZERO wiggle room. It's easy to be tempted by a marked-way-down sample or a deeply discounted showroom gown, but if you can't breathe in your dress, you're going to spend hundreds having it fixed -- or seriously suffer on your wedding day. (Good to know: In general, wedding dresses are made with alterations in mind, but samples and showroom dresses don't always have the extra fabric allowances.) When in doubt, size up. And if the fit of a sample-size dress is questionable, don't risk it.


3) It costs three times more than you should have spent. With so many well-priced options out there, it's just not worth it to blow your rent on your wedding dress. I can pretty much guarantee you won't look back on your wedding day and wish, If ONLY I had spent more on my dress. Plus, thinking about your wedding dress should make you feel starry-eyed, not panicked and stressed.
If you've made any of the three goof-ups above, I recommend selling your "Oops!" dress on OnceWed or PreOwnedWeddingDresses, both of which have great reputations in the industry. If you mark it "new with tags," you might not lose money on the sale. And if your dress is a fancy-pants sample, you might even make some cash!

Why NOT to Have a Friend or Family Member Officiate at Your Wedding

We had a friend Officiate our ceremony and he did a great job but there are those who's experience was not as great as ours as you can see below in this article.

Judith Johnson

Author, Speaker, Life Coach and Interfaith Minister

 

There is a popular trend these days to have a friend or family member go online to receive an ordination certificate in a matter of minutes so they can "legally" officiate at your wedding. While on the surface this might sound like a fun idea, a look below the surface reveals some really good reasons why this is NOT a good idea. As an interfaith minister who has been officiating at weddings for over twenty years now and as author of the bestselling book on wedding ceremony design, here are my top three really good reasons why you should hire a seasoned professional to officiate at your ceremony.

Some states do not recognize some online ordination credentials. The last thing you want to find out after your wedding is that you are not legally married. So, tread with caution. It is the state where your ceremony takes place, not the state where you live that has jurisdiction. Just as state laws about who can get married are changing, so are the laws regarding who can officiate at weddings. Not all online ordinations are equally acceptable, so be very specific in researching what sites are and are not acceptable in your state. Keep yourself informed about any changes that occur in these laws during the course of your wedding preparations.

There are a thousand little details that add up to a great ceremony. Which ones are you willing to have overlooked? Why put someone you love in the position of being responsible for something they know nothing about? Why not let your friend or family member enjoy being a guest at your wedding instead of bearing the burden of doing something so important that they know nothing about? Unless your friend or family member happens to already be a member of the clergy, why put this responsibility on them? Most couples and the friends and/or family member they choose to officiate are clueless about what goes into designing a ceremony, running a wedding rehearsal, or officiating at the ceremony. Think about it - would you hire a band for your reception that had never played together before? Would you want your wedding to be their first gig?

There are better, safer options. A seasoned officiant knows the in's and out's of advising you on the logistics of your rehearsal and ceremony as well as the design of the text and the ritual itself. They can be a wealth of information and ideas to help you create the ceremony that is perfect for you. They know what works, and what doesn't.

If you are worried about not belonging to a religious community, not wanting a stranger to officiate at your ceremony, or wanting to have control over what is said at your ceremony - no problem. There are three fabulous resources for finding the right officiant.

The first is to ask your wedding vendors. Typically, your first wedding decision is going to be your wedding date and location. Ask the wedding coordinator at your venue to share their impressions of the officiants on their preferred vendor list and to recommend the ones they think are a good match for you. Call these recommended officiants and/or make appointments to meet. Trust your instincts about who you are comfortable with, how resourceful and flexible they seem to be, and how they react to your story and wishes for your ceremony.

The second resource is to ask around among your friends. Ask your married friends who they had officiate at their ceremony? Were they pleased or not? Why? Ask friends and family if they attended any weddings where the officiant did a really good job.

Third, use regional wedding websites and major wedding websites that have regional vendor listings. Read the listings and reviews on officiants there. One of the most popular sites is http://www.weddingwire.com.

Your wedding ceremony is what your wedding day is all about. Give it the respect and attention it deserves as an expression of what crossing this threshold together really means to you. The person who officiates at your ceremony will have a lot of influence on what will hopefully become a beautiful memory for you. So, be thoughtful and careful in selecting the officiant who is right for you. Be as honest as possible about who you are and who you aren't. If someone rejects you because they don't share your beliefs, be glad you didn't hire them! Just keep looking for the right match. Find someone who is happy for you, is on your wavelength, and gives you confidence that they will help you create a wedding ceremony that exceeds your biggest dreams. You deserve that!

6 Embarrassing Questions You Must Ask Your Fiancé Before You Say 'I Do'

Neal Frankle

Financial planner

 

 

They say that love is blind. If that describes you, consider getting some financial "Lasik" surgery.
It's fine to have your head in the clouds when it comes to your soul mate. But when it comes to finances, it's important to have your mind on the numbers. That's because a financial mismatch between and your sweetie can sour any relationship fast. This is much more than simply an issue of money. When you understand how someone relates to their finances you gain key insights into who they really are. Here are the five questions you need to ask before you tie your wagon to someone else's horses.

1. "What is your credit score?"
Your potential mate's credit score speaks volumes about how they handle their finances. It shows their attitude and ability to balance income, spending and debt. It's the one number that best summarizes how "financially adult" they are. Get your partner to do a credit report and share the results with you. Then show them your score. What's fair is fair.

2. "Can you show me your investment statements?"
Go over the statements and ask how your love object makes investment decisions. You don't need to hand out grades. In fact, you might learn how to improve your own investing skills by going through this exercise. The idea is to get a sense of how your partner thinks. Very interesting.
If there are no statements to share it says that your partner-to-be isn't able to budget effectively and can't save money. Red flag.

3. "Do you budget your spending?"
There is no one "right way" to budget. But you are looking for two things. First, does your fiancé think about how much money they have before spending it? Second, is their approach towards budgeting in line with yours? You both might be budgeting freaks and track every cent and that's fine. Or you may use a more flexible method to track your spending and that would work as well. But if you have vastly different approaches towards budgeting watch out. That is a sure-fire recipe for disaster in the relationship.

4. "Are you in debt?"
If your honey bunny has some red ink around the ears it doesn't have to be the kiss of death for your relationship. The key is to find out how your partner got into debt and what he or she is doing to get out. At the same time, you need to understand that their debt is going to cost you.
If your lovey is in debt, that means you will both spend dollars paying that down rather than building up your nest egg. And more important, if your squeeze doll continues to create more debt, that's going to create heavy financial friction between you two. Better find out about that as soon as possible.

5. "How much money do you save every month?"
If someone is able to set aside a certain amount of money each month it means they take themselves seriously and they are willing to do the work. Those are great traits and a strong basis upon which to build a future.

If your dreamboat isn't able to save on a regular basis it could be an indication that they are over-spenders, under-earners or a combination of the two. Either way, it's a problem now and if you marry this person, that problem is going to be yours.

6. "How do you feel about life insurance?"
Your partner may not have life insurance now but if you are thinking about building a family some time in the future it's smart to talk about it. I can't understand it but some people are adamantly against buying life insurance -- even if it's inexpensive term life. If that describes your fiance, make sure you find out now.

Are these questions hard to ask? Maybe. But if you start the conversation by demonstrating your willingness to share the same information about yourself, your finance should be more than happy to open up.

I hope you agree that the answers to these 6 questions tell you a great deal about someone. This isn't about you being greedy. It's building your future on solid ground.

If your intended spouse is less of a financial whiz than you thought, it doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. It means that there is work to do. That being the case there is one question that remains; are you both willing to do that work?

What other questions would you ask your fiancé before tying the knot?

Photo of the Week

 

This Photo of the Week is of Me and my BFF.... Today is her 34th birthday. We have been through it all... School, Men, Kids and life in general and there is no greater Themla to my Louise. Love You Brandy and Happy Birthday!

 

'Wedding Donations -- Please Help' -- How Far Is Too Far for Brides to Go?

Tricia Spencer

Author, "1001 Wedding Ideas: The Ultimate Resource for Creating a Wedding No One Will Ever Forget"

 

 

I was recently surfing my way through eBay when I stumbled upon an auction with the title,
"Wedding Donations -- Please Help." The auction was listed under "Antiques: Other." It piqued my curiosity, and at first I thought, What a clever title. It made me look! But to my surprise, it wasn't an auction at all. It was just a solicitation for donations. The entire description read: "Please help me with me wedding." (Note: The second "me" is surely meant to be "my", and a little proofreading might have helped further the enterprising bride's goal. But then again... maybe not.)

In spite of there being nothing to get in return, the opening bid price was 99 cents. But the shipping for the nonexistent auction item was Free!

As someone who loves weddings, I admit to a pang of empathy for a bride using whatever creative means of fund-raising that she can think of in order to realize the wedding of her dreams. But just how far should a bride go? Is asking for donations from strangers, especially under the guise of a legitimate auction, acceptable behavior?

We've all heard about the bride-to-be that insisted that all of her bridesmaids lose ten pounds before the wedding, or about the one who sent out "thank you" notes, only to complain in those notes that the bride and groom were left in debt for the "fabulous reception" because guests had not opened their wallets wide enough during gift-giving. (Wow to that one. Just...wow.)

But the solicitation from strangers seems to be even more distasteful than the acts perpetrated by the ungrateful newlywed or by the "looks-are-all-that-matter-when-you-marry" bride-to-be. It feels unseemly and presumptuous for any bride to assume that the world somehow owes her a wedding. What's next? Brides on street corners with raggedy, cardboard signs? Please help. I'm hungry for a big, fat wedding.

Whatever happened to financing a wedding with old-fashioned effort instead of with handouts? Isn't it more honorable to hold bake sales, sell unwanted goods at flea markets, or even get a second job, from which all earned funds are squirreled away for the wedding? I think the answer is "absolutely". There are better ways to fund a wedding than to run a pseudo auction asking for donations. Still, if an auction holds appeal then why not have a real auction and sell something tangible? The description could include a sincere explanation: "I am selling these handcrafted bookmarks (pencils, gumballs, bracelets or whatever) to help finance my wedding."

That type of auction would work for me. In return for whatever hard-earned dollars I spent, I would get a bona fide item that I could use or give away at will. And I would have the pleasure of knowing that my purchase helped a bride in need. Honestly, I wouldn't feel the least bit upset about that approach, as long as the seller wasn't creating a nonexistent "wedding" as a sales pitch. The bride had better be prepared to back up the real wedding aspect of any wedding-inspired auction with some good, old-fashioned documentation. Otherwise, someone is bound to discover the truth and expose the fake bride's lying hide all over the Internet. It's never a wise idea to scam buyers with the struggling-bride or struggling-groom approach if you aren't actually a struggling bride or a struggling groom. One can run, but it's not easy to hide from something like that, especially in today's ever-shrinking, electronic world.

But why, in the first place, is it that brides and grooms wait until someone has popped the question before even thinking about the wedding? Everyone, male or female, would benefit from a bridal-funds hope chest. Saving over the years for something as monumental as a wedding makes things even more perfect when that glorious proposal does happen. And as every kid with a fat piggy bank can attest, even little amounts add up over time. Besides, a wedding is not much of a surprise. Even though marriages have declined over the last fifty years, the majority of Americans still make their way to the altar at one time or another in their lives. It's not like it really sneaks up out of nowhere. Planning ahead is definitely an option.

Unfortunately, we as a society are not so much prolific planners as we are impulsive "enjoyers". We seem to want what we want when we want it, planning not required. So it's likely that a long-term, wedding nest egg simply never gets nurtured, at least until the engagement ring is sprung from the box. But even without a wedding-funds security blanket, there simply has to be a better way to underwrite the nuptials than by resorting to blatant solicitation. On the other hand, at 99 cents a pop, I guess it could have worked for the bride who sold nothing and asked only for donations instead. One would need about 30,000 people to pony up that "opening bid" amount in order to amass the average cost of a modern-day wedding. Unfortunately, that is not what happened. When this "Antiques: Other", item-less auction came to a close, there were zero bids, even at the opening steal of 99 cents.

Imagine that.

Making A Commitment: Do You Have What It Takes?

By Dr. Charles & Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz for YourTango.com
Let's face it: many people are afraid to make commitments when it comes to love and marriage. We live in a disposable world where it is easy to have one-night stands and avoid devoting ourselves to those we fall in love with.

Yet, many people do fall in love and make a commitment to love, in sickness and in health 'til death do they part -- and mean it. Most who make this statement feel honor-bound by the commitments they make. But why are some people able to make the commitment to love someone for a lifetime, while others have so much trouble taking the leap?

Falling in love with another human being is easy, but making a commitment to love them forever is difficult for some. We like to use the term "up in the air" (like the movie) for a whole bunch of reasons, primarily because it aptly describes the struggles so many folks go through when it comes to a lifelong partnership.

"Up in the Air" certainly reminds us of the difficulty of buckling down with one person. Here is the question of the day: why do some find it so hard to make a commitment to love?
Happily married couples we have interviewed on all seven continents have shared many stories with us about their love for each other. They have described how they formed a commitment to their relationship, as well as how they decided, once and for all, how much they loved each other and that they would spend their lives together.

While some couples initially had trouble with the commitment issue, they found a way to get past it and enter into a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the one they love. The successfully married couples we interviewed talked about the five challenges that make commitment difficult for some:

1. Commitment requires reciprocal love. It is not enough to be deeply loved, as you must also reciprocate profound love before a lifetime of commitment can be made. "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage," said Lao Tzu, a Chinese philosopher. We think he has it right. Having strength without courage is much like the cowardly lion in "The Wizard of Oz" -- only when he committed to being courageous could he use his strength effectively. Successful marriage is a lot like that.

2. A lifetime commitment can only be made to a best friend. Friedrich Nietzsche once posited the notion that unhappy marriages are not caused by a lack of love, but by a lack of friendship. Nothing truer has ever been spoken about successful marriage. You see, the person you commit to must, first and foremost, must be your best friend. You cannot make a lifetime commitment to someone you only love. These types of commitments are made to those we consider our best friends! When we ask successfully married couples who their best friend is, they almost always say the name of their spouse.

3. The commitment to marriage is an unalterable decision. Making a commitment to another human being for a lifetime also requires your resolve to make an "unalterable decision," as Alfred Adler says. Adler goes on to say that "...real examples of love and real marriages ... do not allow ... men or women [to] contemplate an escape. In none of the serious and important tasks of life do we arrange such a getaway." Someone who wants a successful marriage cannot promise a lifetime of commitment to someone they purport to love while plotting an escape at the same time. A true commitment is unalterable!

4. A lifetime commitment has to be made while there is still some uncertainty. If you wait to make a commitment until you have no doubts, it will never happen. One of our favorite quotes is by Rollo May. When we were in graduate school studying the field of counseling, we got a lot of exposure to him and we love most of what he has written, especially this: "The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt." Simply stated, if you think there will ever be a moment in a budding relationship when you will say, "I have no doubts about him/her, so I am willing to make the lifetime commitment" -- well, forget it! It is not going to happen. If you wait for that moment to come you will never make the commitment to love anyone for a lifetime.

5. A commitment to another human being has to be consistent. It is not an on-again, off-again proposition. Commitment to someone whom you love and consider your best friend can't be here today and gone tomorrow. In the best marriages there is a consistency to commitment. Love and friendship can run hot and cold from time to time, but the commitment to the one you love must be an everyday thing. Commitment is forever; it is not "up in the air."

Music Monday: Quang + Ellie: Slow Motion Booth

I saw this video and thought it was so cute!!

 

 

Quang + Ellie: Slow Motion Booth from Super Frog Saves Tokyo on Vimeo.