My Dear Friend Is Getting Married Today

Andrew Cotto

Author

 

 

It is July 14, 2013, and my dear friend is getting married today. Like me, he's in his mid-40s; unlike me, and almost all of our peers, he's never been married. Not even close.

My friend chose the song for his wedding. It's a modern ballad by a modern band named Lovedrug.

The song is called "Girl." And in this song, the singer dramatically proclaims:
　　"I want to light myself on fire...
　　Spent 30 years not knowing you."

　　
Now, I have to assume, based on the age of the band, that the singer is lamenting his 30 years on earth not knowing his "girl." Lovely. But the truth of the matter is that my dear friend knows 30 years of real not knowing. And his time has been heroic; his quest both old-fashioned and contemporary.
My friend came of age in the early '80s. Even then, as adolescents bursting with carnal curiosity and boundless physical energy, he was romantic, interested in girls beyond visceral impulses. Maybe it was because he had a close relationship with his older sister and his mother. I don't know. But he was more than a just a typical fool after flesh. He wanted love. And he found it sooner than most of us.

And when that first love betrayed him, he was far more hurt than I imagined anyone our age was capable.

Of course, my friend survived and went on to other adventures with young women through high school and college. It was, by all measures, a typical dating history of a well-adjusted, healthy and handsome young man.

He finished college in a serious relationship that only ended when the woman relocated to the deep South. His first post-college girlfriend was stunning, but complicated. There was the one who got away, and the one who realized she preferred the company of women (though she was still interested in a sperm donation -- didn't happen).

My friend, ever the romantic and approaching 30, set out to find himself, living a transient lifestyle that led him around America but never led him to love. He returned to the New York area alone. And alone is how he stayed for a seminal period of our lives: unaccompanied at weddings; then Christenings; and birthday parties for our children. And all along I knew he wanted a hand to hold during these moments; he wanted to be the focus of these moments, too. A testimony to his strength, he neither showed internal discord nor sought sympathy, though I was well aware of the loneliness that collapsed my friend on a regular basis.

As we neared our 40s, my friend moved down the block from where I lived in Brooklyn with my wife and kids. We had the pleasure of his company at least once a week for dinner. And after the time with my kids and the time with my wife, my friend and I would go alone out on the deck to finish the wine and talk about his active dating life. Of course, a beloved figure, single at his age, was the subject of endless blind dates -- all of which left him grateful for the thought but conflicted by the outcome. And then, of course, there was the internet -- the modern purveyor of blind dates without a mutual friend as the middle man.

My friend is modern yet traditional. He knows technology well through his brilliant career in marketing, though the idea of meeting women in an impersonal fashion was a challenge to his ethos. But he went for it and found himself on a speed dating circuit that made many of us committed men curious. There were quiet questions of age, size, shape, outcome, etc. My friend bristled at our envy. Didn't we know how lucky we were to have wives. Kids. Comfort. Love.

Years went by, and my friend continued his gallant quest, never selling himself short nor misleading the myriad of women he met. The fatigue was apparent. A slump in his shoulders from the massive burden. He talked less and less about his adventures in dating, though I knew they continued. The stakes were too high to quit. He wanted love.

And then one day last year he called me up, asked if I would come to our local bar after dinner. He had someone he wanted me to meet.

And there she was: lovely and kind and glamorous, sitting aside my friend on the patio of a Brooklyn bar. I knew right away that she, though slightly younger, had endured through the modern maze of dating in hopes of a traditional outcome. And I knew that she was the one my friend had sought for 30 years.

I wanted to light myself on fire.

It is July 14, 2013, and my dear friend Kevin Mangini is getting married today to April McKenzie. And it's a tribute to two people, and a tribute to the idea that, no matter what the era, true love is ageless.

Forget wedding planners: Proposal planners now for hire

There’s a whole industry around weddings: planners, decorators, florists, and photographers all work with brides and grooms in order to make the big day special. But what about before the wedding?
Enter the newest trend in the wedding world: Companies who can help you create special, one-of-a-kind marriage proposals.

Heather Vaughn is the founder of YES Girls, a company in Southern California that has organized more than 250 proposals. But she’s not the only one – there are now companies all over the country that work to create memorable proposals, including everything from renting private helicopters to spelling out a woman’s name in lights.

Tim Dorsett, an Air Force veteran, hired the YES Girls to help him pop the question to his girlfriend, Sonia.

“I think a girl or woman’s dream is first her prom date, her proposal, and then her marriage,” he said. “So those are the three things that are most important to them, and I wanted to make it special.”
The planners helped him pull it off with memorable touches like an eight-piece band and Sonia’s name written in lights. Luckily, after all that work, she loved the surprise and said yes.

Anja Winikka, site director of the wedding website TheKnot.com, says the game has changed when it comes to proposals.

“You used to have the classic bended knee proposal at dinner,” she said.

Now, Winikka points out, social media has increased pressure on men to come up with memorable proposals. It’s much more common these days for couples to capture the big moment in a YouTube video and share it online with their friends, only to watch it go viral.

Others share photos of the ring on Facebook, garnering tons of “likes” and comments from loved ones.

“We’re seeing how everyone else is getting elaborately proposed to, and we want it too,” Winikka adds.

The YES Girls are well aware of social media and often incorporate it into their planned proposals. The company’s Twitter and Instagram feeds feature lots of huge, sparkly rings and happy couples.
And the business is a lucrative one – although the basic proposal package costs $199, the average YES Girls proposal runs in the $2,500 range, once costs like venue rentals and permits are added in. Still, that’s nothing compared to the price of a wedding.

The only downside to a custom proposal?

As our own Gabe Gutierrez points out, think of the bar you’ve just set for your first anniversary!

Music Monday: Mariah Carey Always be my Baby

5 Easy Ways to Add Meaningful Personal Touches to Your Wedding

Today, weddings are all about personalization. Rather than choose a "theme," most couples want their big days to be as unique as they are and hope to fill their event with details that will make their wedding special -- not to mention stand out from the rest.

Here are some easy ways to make your wedding exude your personality, without breaking your budget.

1. Design your own logo or monogram. This is a very simple and affordable way to get a custom look while completely personalizing so many aspects of your wedding. Choose your favorite font and colors, then use the logo throughout your wedding -- from the invitations to the programs to the menus to your thank-you notes. I always design one for my couples and, from my experience, I know that you'll use it forever, which is another perk of having one.

2. Customize your menu. Infuse foods from your travels, your favorite restaurants, or family recipes into your event. Many chefs or caterers will work with you to devise a meal that really captures the cuisine you want, especially if you give them enough lead-time.

3. Dress up your photo booth. While photo booth props are very popular right now, many couples focus on those details and miss customizing the booth itself. Use personal photos to dress up the booth's exterior, or go with a company like The Photo Bank, which will wrap the booth with a large photo of your choice for an even more custom look.

4. Make your champagne your own. Use the champagne toast as a way to further show your personal style by outfitting each bottle with a custom label. You can adorn the bottles with your monogram, a photo of the two of you, or even a special message to your guests. Also, use your own champagne flutes (you may have been gifted these) on your sweetheart table for another personal touch.

5. Take advantage of the timing. If you're getting married around a holiday that's meaningful to you, create customized place cards as your favors and infuse some of the celebration into this detail. For weddings near Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year), do green apples with your guest's names attached alternating with small jars of honey, for Halloween, do baby pumpkins, or for New Year's, noise-making place cards would really make an impact. (You could even take the holiday merriment a step further by using apple tree centerpieces marked with the table numbers, placing large pumpkins on the tables and marking them with the table numbers, or having glittery top hat centerpieces.)

 

Wings, Pinenut and Steak!

Hey Blogger Loves... Here is my weekend recap.

 

 

Friday was a pretty easy evening. We were kid free so we did what all parents do when they have no kids....Stay home and Watch Netflix. I ordered Wings for us to have for dinner and we watched Dead Man Down:

 

The movie was pretty good, I don't know how I feel about Terrance Howard as a villain but still a good one.

 

 

Saturday we got up and went and helped our friend Bruce get over to his show he was performing at later that evening. We got to go into the recording studio that he uses and I wanted to get all Mariah Carey in there but knew better....LOL

 

 

Later that evening we had 2 events to go to... First up was David and Renee's.

 

They have a nice new home and invited us for their Gender Reveal Party. This is a new thing to me where parents announce to their family and friends the gender of their baby....

 

 

 

I am happy to announce that Baby Pinenut Fricks will be a Princess!!!!! Yay!!

 

 

After the party, we headed over to hang with TNT at Karaoke. The place was packed with people but we still had a good time.

 

 

Sunday morning we got up and headed out for a little lunch, picked up Jacelyn from her friends and dinner for the night. We were going to go out for Date Night but plans changed so we did dinner at home.

 

The menu was Tri Tip Steak with Grilled Onions and Mushrooms. Sour Cream and Chives Mashed Potatoes and Grilled Corn with Cotija Cheese and Chipotle and Poblano Butter... Good Stuff.

 

 

Here is what is on tap for us this week:

 

1. Robbins Brothers event: Diamonds and Desserts!

2. Sissy is coming home!!

3. Hopefully Rest!

 

 

Everyone have a great week!!

 

 

 

 

Top 40 For Your Wedding

One music piece that’s hard for me to keep up with is dance music. There are constantly new songs to dance to, and since I’m not a regular at the clubs, and it’s not exactly my favorite genre, I can get out of the loop. But you know who is in the loop? Ryan Seacrest. Ha. So I’ll look to him, and the Top 40 charts every week, for the latest dance songs. I will only be posting my favorites (aka the most danceable, or best suited to weddings) – but I’ve created a Top 40 Spotify playlist, and will include all the songs there, adding the new ones each week.

Studio Impressions via Style Me Pretty

 

1. Can’t Hold Us – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton - Actually #1 on the charts. Super dance-able.

2. I Love It – Icona Pop feat. Charli XCX – (#3) The lyrics aren’t exactly wedding appropriate, but it’s definitely catchy. It’s also a great song to sing loudly in your car when wedding plans aren’t going your way and you need to yell. Haha.

3. Cruise – Florida Georgia Line – Only, I repeat ONLY for weddings who’s guests know how to dance to country music. Know your audience.

4. Get Lucky – Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams – For you indie lovers. I find it interesting that the 70′s musical stylings seem to be making a comeback. My least favorite time in music history, but I’ll try to embrace it.

5. The Other Side – Jason Derulo – Gets danceable after about 45 seconds. Not for iPod weddings.

6. Blurred Lines – Robin Thicke feat. Pharrell and T.I. – another throwback to the 70′s. I need more cowbell.

7. #Beautiful – Mariah Carey feat. Miguel – for cocktail/dinner time for the pop/hip-hop loving brides.

8. Love Somebody – Maroon 5 – for cocktail or dinner time. For anyone, really. The chorus could be a cute recessional too. “I really wanna love somebody. I really wanna dance the night away.”

9. Next To Me – Emili Sande – Sweet for cocktails or dinner.

10. Feel This Moment – Pitbull feat. Christina Aguilera – also gets danceable after about 50 seconds. Let your DJ be in charge of this one.

11. Lego House – Ed Sheeran – Which one of these does not belong? This song feels really out of place to me with the other songs. It’s a nice song though – for cockatils/dinner.

12. Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull – If you don’t feel weird about J Lo still making music, like I do. It’s danceable.

13. Glowing – Nikki Williams – Danceable. About love. It works.

{10 things} That Have Made All the Difference

On our anniversary Mr. Loerke and I spent time reflecting on the past 5 years. As a result we came up with a list of 10 Things That Have Made All The Difference in our marriage. Please feel free to make these your own, as well as share any wisdom and insight you may have in the comment section below. After all, we need all the help we can get!

1. Weekly Questions: For the past five years Tim and I have been asking each other the same five questions every Sunday night. These questions have made the biggest difference in how we love and serve one another throughout the week. If you're going to incorporate one of these 10 things into your marriage, we hope it's this one.

2. A Small Metal Box: After reading this story, Tim and I made a pact that each time we made love we would put a dollar in a special metal box and save it for our 50th anniversary trip to Hawaii. This has surprisingly been a great way for us to creatively pursue intimacy with one another over the years. Our only advice would be to not count the money in your box. Focus on quality, not quantity.

3. Traveling Journal: There is a journal we share that's filled with words that would make you blush. We take turns writing in it, always hiding it for the other to find in an unexpected place. It's been found duct taped to our shower, in suitcases when traveling, even in the refrigerator behind the Cool Whip. (Pretty sure Husband was trying to tell me something). Overall, this has been a great way for us to verbally affirm and encourage one another.

4. We (try and) Conflict Well: Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but we believe it exists to make us better, not bitter. We try and keep short accounts with one other by sharing our disappointments and hurt feelings. This isn't always easy but it's necessary in maintaining marital oneness. From experience we know there's nothing more damaging to our relationship than harbored bitterness.

5. We Play Together: Husband and I have chosen to be active together. Whether it's tossing the Frisbee, flying our kite, going on walks, participating in adventure races, reading bedtime stories, or building forts in our living room, playing together has helped us find our inner child. It has also reminded me that being active together can be romantic. After all, deep down I know Husband wants me to be his sidekick when it comes to doing "guy things" with him. Realizing this has been critical in helping us stay connected both physically and emotionally.

6. We Pray Together: One of our favorite ways to end the day is by praying together. We pray for our friends, family, and for wisdom in our marriage. Though our prayers are usually not longer than a couple of minutes they have made a huge difference in helping us stay spiritually connected, as well as make us more aware of each others fears and insecurities.

7. We Celebrate Each Other: Husband and I love to make a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and even smaller personal accomplishments. We are each other's biggest fans, and finding a thoughtful gift or preparing a special meal can make the biggest difference in helping us feel known, loved, and celebrated.

8. We Don't Do Marriage Alone: Our trusted friends have been incredibly helpful in showing us how to work through some of the bigger issues in our marriage. It wasn't always easy to share these struggles because of our pride and embarrassment, but soon we realized that most couples were struggling with the same things we were. We've learned that isolating only hinders us from truly dealing with our hurts, habits, and hang-ups.

9. The Greatest Gift (Self Work): We realized early on in our marriage that the greatest gift we could give each other was to know ourselves. This meant working through our family of origin junk. We all have it, but so few actually sort through it; Celebrate Recovery helped show us how. It was here that we first learned to attack our problems together, instead of attacking each other about our problems.

10. We Study One Another: Someone once told us that no matter how long you've dated your spouse, the day you get married you're essentially committing your life to a total stranger. This was great advice considering how quickly people change. To say I know Tim fully after 5 yrs of marriage would be a lie. There's so much about him that I don't know about simply because I do not ask. That is why we like to interview each other regularly. It's amazing the things you can learn about your spouse when you take the time to ask both fun and creative questions.

10b. Dude Time / Girl Time: Sometimes one of the best things we can do for our marriage is to spend time apart. It blesses me when Tim is able to take a trip with his guys because I know they meet certain needs that I can't. Similarly, Tim understands that spending a weekend with my girls is critical to my overall mental health and well being. Don't get me wrong, you guys know how madly in love I am with Mr. Loerke, but sometimes all a girl needs is an uninterrupted weekend with her besties. Guys are no different.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ps, We'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you for making it through this post. Pretty sure it was longer than the Magna Carta.

Friday Letters

 

 

Dear Weekend.....

 

Holy Cow, I am so happy to see you. Lets do what we do best.

 

Dear Las Vegas...

 

A little over a month away and we will be together. Do me and the hubby proud. We are ready for it all.

 

Dear Work...

 

The storm of the end of Fiscal Year is over. Lets get the new year started with a bang and get some work done.

 

Dear Food....

 

I love you, its that simple.

 

Dear Scott....

 

Simply Put- Love You!

 

 

The Wedding Checklist You Cannot Ignore

If you're engaged, then surely you are surrounded by checklists telling you how to tackle the massive task of planning a wedding. But here's what you might be missing: The bridal checklist for staying emotionally sane and conflict-free as you plan your wedding.

To bring you this comprehensive guide that you must address before you get into the nitty-gritty of wedding planning, I spoke with licensed clinical social worker Clio Garland of Clio Garland Wedding Coach. She is also the relationships expert for Lovepost. Before you pick a venue and schedule the date, make sure you and your future spouse study this carefully!

1. Map Out the Vision You Have for Your Wedding: Before announcing your engagement to family and friends, make sure you are clear and in agreement about your vision. Once you announce your engagement it becomes a public event, and everyone will want to have a say in it.

2. Anticipate Potential Responses to your Engagement: Be as prepared as possible for the questions and different reactions to your announcement and discuss possible responses. If there are family relationships or situations that you think may create a conflict, explore ways to handle the situation before you announce your engagement in order to minimize stress. For example, if you know your parents will say that you are too young to get married, you will not get defensive or reactive if you prepared your answer ahead of time. You might respond, "We appreciate your concern and are aware of some of the difficulties, but feel confident that we are ready. We hope you can support us in this decision." If you can stay strong as a couple, despite their protests, it will set the stage for how things will go during your engagement process and marriage.

3. Discuss Finances: Discuss as a couple how you think the finances should be handled. If you think your families want to contribute, consider what their expectations will be about their involvement in the decision-making.

4. Prepare Yourself to Set Boundaries: Although you need to be sensitive to your family and friends' involvement during the planning process, you will need to set boundaries when someone wants to dominate the wedding planning. Practice with your partner how you are going to communicate that to any overbearing family members or friends.

5. Be Aware of the Top Wedding Stressors: It's helpful if you know ahead of time that certain elements are going to be particularly stressful, so you're not caught off-guard. These stressors are: Honeymoon, menu, table seating, guest list, and venue. Having a clear view of what you want, but also being flexible, will help minimize the conflict that these stressors can bring on.

Wedding Regrets: 13 Brides Reveal What They Wish They'd Done Differently

 

 

This article originally appeared in Wedding Ideas magazine

 

Your wedding day was perfect and you wouldn't change a thing, right? Wrong! These real brides reveal what they would have done differently if they could have their time again...

“I should have hired a wedding planner. We had a marquee wedding at home and had to organize every little detail ourselves -- not good!” - Rebecca

“I wouldn’t worry so much about my dress getting dirty. We got some pictures taken underneath a blossom tree. They are our favourite photos from the day!” - Helen

“I wouldn’t be so hung up on color schemes. I thought about colors for so long but was worried I would put something hideous together! So in the end I just chose colors I liked and went for bright and bold!” - Shelley

“In terms of budgeting I should have tried not to get so carried away in the couple of weeks before the wedding -- it’s so easy to! You’ve done so well so don’t spoil it with last minute expensive impulse buys!” - Lintilla

“I would have listened when the dress designer told me how to attach the train to my dress. We spent 30 stressful minutes trying to work it out!” - Jenni

“If we did it all again I might not have done so much ourselves, as although we had a lot of help, I organized everything pretty much from scratch and it did end up being more stressful for us.” - Sarah

“The only thing we’d change about the wedding was our DJ. The prices do reflect the quality, so if you think you’re getting a really good, cheap deal -- there might be a reason for that!” - Esme

“If we could do it all again we’d try harder to take it all in. It’s a magical day, but very surreal and it’s easy to get carried along and lose hours of time in what feels like minutes. I’m not sure it’s possible, but listen to people when they tell you to take a minute to savor it all!” - Sophie

“I’m glad we planned indoor activities. Even though we were lucky with the weather, it was less stressful knowing we had a back-up plan just in case.” - Donna

“We didn’t think about a videographer until it was too late. I wish I had someone capturing the speeches!” - Victoria

“I should have asked the photographers to stay longer so I had more shots of people dancing at the evening reception.” - Karen

“We didn't assign seating and probably should have because everyone seemed reluctant to meet the other side of the family.” - Jenny

“I would definitely remember to have some tissue ready on the top table -- those speeches are going to make you cry!” - Hannah

The Pros and Cons of Using Instagram to Capture Your Wedding Photos

 

 

Using Instagram (and a particular Instagram hashtag) to help keep track of all the photos your guests take at your wedding is a fairly simple and increasingly popular way to keep tabs on your wedding photos after the big day is over. However, how do you know if an Instagram wedding is right for you? It varies from couple to couple, and there are a few pros and cons that each bride and groom need to weigh before sharing a designated hashtag with guests.

PROS:

1. Everyone already Instagrams. It's fairly simple to explain to your guests that you're using an Instagram hashtag for your wedding, since most of them are already on Instagram religiously.

2. You get to make one of those cute chalkboard signs telling your friends about your own special hashtag.

3. Filters. Always filters. Plus your guests will have other magical photo-editing powers right at their fingertips, so if you trust their sense of aesthetic you may end up with lots of gorgeous photos.

4. There are lots of cool ways to print Instagram Photos. Services like CanvasPop, Printstagr.am, and Artifact Uprising can turn your Instagram photos into pieces of art to treasure forever.

5. Let's get it straight, everyone loves Instagram. We're totally insta-ddicted to it.

CONS:

1. You might not have ownership of your photos. If you're worried about Instagram (or their parent company Facebook) taking your photos and claiming ownership over them, then think twice about asking guests to post them and read the Privacy Policy. This isn't an issue for every couple -- only for those who feel strongly about owning exclusive rights to their photos.

2. It's public. While only your guests will be searching for your photos with the hashtag, when your friends post their photos that means their friends on Instagram can see the photos too. And anyone who's a jerk and feels like crashing the party can start Instagramming with your hashtag.

3. The photos are actually really small. Downloading photos from Instagram yields photos that are only about 600 pixels wide, which means they'll be too small for you or guests to print large copies at home in high quality. You'll have to get them professionally printed by a service that specializes in high-quality Instagram prints (see above).

4. Filters. Yes, this is a con too. You might be flipping through your wedding photos on Instagram the next day and realize that none of your photos are actually just plain photos of the way the day actually looked. And that might be annoying.

5. Older guests without smartphones or who aren't Instagram savvy can't participate. This means if they're taking photos on their SLR, you'll have to get photos from them separately after the wedding day.

6. It's really hard to download your photos. You have to find the photos online and then save them one by one.

7. People might not upload all the photos they capture. If you're an Instagram lover/user, you know not to flood your stream with a lot of the same photos because that might be annoying for your followers. Your guests might upload a few photos here and there for your wedding, but chances are they'll take a lot more photos that will never end up on Instagram.

So what do you think? Writing from the perspective of someone who works at a wedding app company, some of you are going to think I missed some pros and/or cons and I'd love to hear your thoughts! Did you go for an Instagram wedding, or did you opt for something different? If you did end up Instagramming your wedding, what helped you make that decision?

Photo of the Week

This Photo of the Week is of course.... The Cameron's! I love this man with all my heart and I can not imagine my life without him. I'm Thankful that God was patience with me and I with him. Nothing like finding the one you love and spending the rest of your life with them.

Taking Vows Won't Change Them -- What You Marry Is What You Get

Sandy Malone

Owner, Weddings in Vieques

I haven't written about marriage in a long time because, as my husband Bill can attest, I am no expert. But there is one thing that I know about choosing the person that you're going to spend the rest of your life with -- whoever he or she is when you get married, what you see is what you get. You're not going to change them because of some vows and rings.

I recently planned a wedding for a couple who seemed perfectly in love during the wedding planning process -- they were in sync about what they wanted and the planning went more smoothly than most. There were zero red flags ahead of time, and I promise you, I have serious radar for that stuff. But oh boy, was my intuition off with this one.

The arrival went great, their friends loved the island, biobay was amazing and then they gathered for a pre-wedding luncheon on the Malecon (the Vieques version of a boardwalk). All hell broke loose in less than 15 minutes. First, one half of the couple was MIA -- apparently needed a walk to "cool off." Uh oh... not so good only two and a half hours pre-wedding ceremony, and in front of all of the guests. But then it got seriously interesting.

The missing half of the couple returned to join the group and sat down, and I gave them space to get comfy before I went to say hello. Bad call. Twenty seconds later, the drinks were flying. And I mean more than one drink. When I saw the first drink hurled, I actually waited a beat before intervening, in hopes that someone in their wedding group right there would step in. You are their friends and family, right? No luck. One drink wasn't enough to satisfy this person, he had to pick up every cup on the table and toss it at his intended (he didn't actually let go of the wine glasses -- just flung the contents). Wet but calm, the fiancé didn't retaliate. Mr. Angry went for another walk and, after a bit, so did I. Time to put an end to the nonsense. Wedding time was T-minus 90 minutes out, and I had a whole crew down on the beach getting things set up for a beautiful wedding. Fish or cut bait time.
After talking with one half of the couple, I got them to sit down on a bench together. They were fighting about a serious relationship issue -- once of them felt that the other treated them worse than their friends. I tried to give a supportive message about how we always treat the ones who love us unconditionally the worst -- but truth be told, I was thinking "you aren't really going to marry each other less than two hours after that scene are you?" Really? REALLY??? I made it clear that nobody HAD to get married that day, but that it was entirely their decision.


Oh yes, they did still want to get married. Apparently, one half of the couple always gets freaked out, aggressive, occasionally violent, and very verbally abusive when he's stressed out. Ummm... you know you don't have to marry this guy, right? But that's not my job. I'm just the wedding planner. I wish them a very happy life together, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was worried.

I had another client couple early in my wedding career that scared the bejesus out of me when the groom practically went after the bride at their rehearsal beach party while her family watched -- and did nothing. It's the only time in my career that I took the bride aside and said "you don't have to do this." She said, "Yes, I do. And I don't want to discuss it." Okey dokey. I'm just the wedding planner. Their wedding was gorgeous. I'm afraid the divorce that followed a couple of years later wasn't nearly as pretty. But she's safe and happy now and that's all that matters.

So here's the deal engaged couples -- you are going to marry the same person who you are living with or consorting heavily with right now. He or she is not going to change dramatically when you get married (unless you count the unfortunate dramatic increase in the relaxed release of bodily emissions). If he is verbally or physically abusive pre-wedding, he's going to hit you eventually. If she's sucking down Pinot Grigio to chase her Xanax and Adderall combo, chances are you'll be picking up those prescriptions for her in the near future... not to mention opening or hiding the wine bottles eventually.

Moral of the story -- you're not going to change your spouse after you marry them. That wasn't part of the deal, good or bad. We all have faults. Bill sleeps too much. I never shut up and I leave my shoes all over the house (a trip hazard according to my husband). It's the serious character flaws you have to consider before you say I do. If there's something so bad you can't imagine living with it in 10 years, rethink this commitment before you make it.

I was pretty mortified about my clients' behavior in a pubic venue the other day and I made sure to email the proprietor my apologies. After spending quite a large chunk of the last few months making Season One of Wedding Island for TLC, I couldn't help but make our usual joke "where were the cameras when we needed them." I got a message back that made my night. Even though the TV cameras missed the Housewives-life display of bad behavior by my clients, the security cameras picked up the whole show. Just another clip to keep us entertained on a slow night in the off-season on Vieques Island.

Don't forget to check out me and my whole crew at Weddings in Vieques starting July 17th (sneak preview) and following every Thursday night on TLC's new reality show Wedding Island. If you want to see the commercial and have a laugh at me, you can check it out here.
Until next time, happy wedding planning from Weddings in Vieques and Weddings in Culebra!
Sandy

My Mother, Getting Married

Lindsay Miller

LA Editor, PopSugar

 

I was home with my boyfriend on Christmas Eve when I got the text. "Call me!!!" A picture of a diamond ring, stunning even via camera phone, promptly followed. My mother was getting married.


At 26, I'd been with my boyfriend, Martin, for seven years, and had no intention of marrying him. (I was a lucky girl; he didn't want to marry me either!) I was cheerfully anti-marriage for several reasons. Partly because I had no desire to have children; partly because I felt too unsettled in my career and student-loan leveraged for such an adult move; and mostly because I preferred the bohemian romanticism of a decades-long affair to the practical, state-sanctioned idea of a spouse. You know, like Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. Before they broke up.


I'd long assumed my mother shared a similar philosophy, so I felt surprised, and maybe slightly betrayed, by her all-consuming enthusiasm over the proposal. After the engagement, she mentioned that planning her wedding would be "good practice" for mine. What wedding? I wanted to ask.

Nonetheless, I was genuinely excited about my mom's nuptials. Her fiancé, Ray, was a kind, handsome guy, and despite a disinterest in having one of my own, I've always loved other peoples' weddings. They're thrilling, emotional, and have open bars.

Then there's The Dress. My mom solicited my help finding hers. But what I thought would be a passing glance at VeraWang.com spiraled out of control. Soon, I was comparing fonts for wedding invitations, then Googling pictures of bouquets that struck the tasteful-but-bold balance of peonies to roses we absolutely needed to procure.

"It's so easy to get sucked into the vortex of wedding options!" I tweeted while browsing NeimanMarcus.com's bridal shoe collection. Within minutes, I was fielding a flurry of ecstatic responses, like "OMG no way did you get engaged?!!?" It was an outpouring of excitement and attention that nothing else I had ever written -- or even accomplished -- had ever sparked. I hesitated for a moment before informing everyone that my mom was the one getting married. Not me.

I thought me friends knew better. I'd always been open about my lack of interest in marriage. Was it impossible to believe that, if presented with a ring by a terrific guy, no girl -- not even me -- could resist saying yes? The thought that there was something defective about my feelings toward love lingered long after I left the computer.

Before the rehearsal dinner, I steeled myself for inevitable questions from well-meaning friends and family, who'd ask again when we'd finally tie the knot and have kids. I always tried answering gracefully but briefly, with a stiff smile designed to elicit zero follow-up queries.

That night, my younger cousin arrived with her infant daughter and husband. She'd gotten married quickly after the baby news and had no qualms admitting her daughter was a surprise -- albeit a very happy one.

"Are you guys next?" she asked.

"Nope, not us."

Was I wrong not to want what everyone else naturally seemed to?

Back at the hotel, a primal self-doubt clawed at me.

"I hope you know how lucky you are," I said to Martin as we got ready for bed. "I don't want to get married. I don't want kids. I don't even care if we have a dog!"

I could see him gauging the right response to my strange behavior as I teared up.

"Are we completely immature? If I were someone else, would you want to marry me? Or, if you were someone else, would I want to marry you? "

Martin's saving grace in our relationship is his panic-free disposition, which exists in stark contrast to my erratic, overly emotional one. He reassured me I wasn't deeply and irrevocably screwed up. After all, he pointed out, we'd lasted longer than many marriages; "You're clearly no commitment-phobe."
As I sat down to write my toast the next morning, groggy from my tear-soaked crisis of confidence, I felt an undertow of panic. Who was I to say anything about marriage?

Then I thought about the first post-engagement visit I'd paid to my mom and Ray. At dinner one night, he and I got into a heated argument about the difference between sea salt and table salt. (Really.) The standoff escalated. I threw my napkin on the table and left. Later, he stopped by my room to apologize.

"I really want us to become a family," he said, looking at his feet. "Your mom's 53. I'm 57. This is it for us."
 
At the wedding, after my mother had walked down the aisle in her killer Vera Wang gown, after my younger sister sang "At Last," and after everyone sat down for dinner, I took the microphone.

"Mahatma Gandhi said: 'A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave,'" I read. "When I was writing my toast, this quote came to mind, because it doesn't shy away from the truth. Loving someone, and showing that person how much you do, does require risk. But when you have wisdom and strength to match your daring, you are sometimes lucky enough to find someone who doesn't require you to put your heart in danger or your future at stake. Instead, their love gives you a safe place; a haven, peace, room to grow. Here's to my mom and Ray, two of the bravest people that I know."

My own romantic relationship may not have been what society at large expected. But as I read those words and champagne flutes clinked in solidarity, I knew my mom and Ray -- and Martin and I -- perfectly fit the description of love I'd tried capturing.

Later, as we watched the newlyweds cut loose to a Katy Perry song, I leaned in conspiratorially to Martin and whispered: "Guess what? I still don't want to marry you." He laughed and squeezed my shoulder.

I may not have wanted a wedding, but this was absolutely the wedding I wanted for my mother.

Music Monday: Musiq: Someone

Smile for the Camera -- But Only if You Mean it!

A bride was referred to me when she was utterly unhappy with her photographer after seeing how her engagement photos came out.


The reason she was unhappy? "I'm not smiling in any of the photos," she said.


Now, I know many photographers opt for the overly serious, glum-faced look of couples peering off into different directions. And I know conversely there are those photographers incessantly prompting their couples to "Say cheese! Say #$%@! Smile! Smile bigger! Bigger yet! Show more teeth!"


We're used to seeing fashion photographs stereotypically featuring angry looking models while every mom and dad with a camera basically has trained each new generation to "smile for the camera." So it looks like we have wedding photographers who want to emulate fashion photographs in a tug of war with clients who've been trained to think photos should all have smiles in them.


Hence the conflict. And it made me wonder: Is one fashion or the other the right one? Is there actually such a thing as "right"? Or is it a matter of flipping a coin or going with a personal preference?


Nah. I don't think the answer resides anywhere in there.

I think the real answer of whether you should be depicted smiling in a portrait -- or not -- has to do with the story told in the portrait.

Because imagine you have an image of a firefighter at the scene of a burning building. It's dark out. The fire's blazing. The scene is hectic, frenzied. And suddenly, out of the window he climbs, rescuing a baby...

...given the serious story and how that firefighter is keenly concentrating on the rescue effort with the foremost concern being that of getting to safety, it might be unnatural or incongruent were he flashing a big happy smile at that moment. In fact, sporting a smile would be a mixed message, and could even give the image a phoney feel as if that shot were staged, as if the performance was put on for the camera.

It wouldn't seem real.

But now the next day, the same firefighter is photographed at a ceremony accepting an award for bravery from the Mayor. He saved a life. He's being honored at City Hall. The Mayor's shaking his hand. It would totally make sense for him to be smiling in that photo.

Similarly, a portrait meant to tell a story of a couple feeling romantic love where the mood's meant to be serene, intense or demure, might not be the correct atmosphere that normally prompts a big smile but might more reasonably prompt an expression suggesting their passion. While another image of them being playful, being silly, having fun, would totally make more sense if they were grinning.
So it's not a preference, or a rule, a fashion or a flip of the coin that determines whether it's best to smile in a portrait or not.

Recharge and Reunion

Hello my Blogger Family!!

 

This weekend I spent some time recharging my body. I was crazy busy leading up to the Family Reunion and honestly was moving non-stop while I was there so my body finally said sit still and rest. Since the weekend was uneventful. I thought I would recap my family reunion weekend with you all.

Jacelyn went ahead of Scott and I with my Parents and Grandparents on Wednesday and we flew out on Thursday Morning. This was Scott's first trip to Texas so I think there was a bit of a Culture shock for him. After getting our bags and heading over to the rental car company in Humidity, we were on the road to the hotel.

At the hotel... We learned the story of Pa and Gram... They are the resident Swans that live at the Embassy Suites.

 

After checking in and feeling the wonderful air conditioning, Scott and I walked over to a restaurant called The Burger Palace for Kobe Beef Burgers and Thick Milk Shakes.... Of course we would find all things foodie on a trip...

After lunch and meeting up with a few people for Happy Hour, my sissy introduced me to Sweets Cupcakes.

 

The cupcakes there were AWESOME!! I took some back to the hotel to share and they were a HIT.

 

As if we didn't have enough food for the day, There was dinner at Pappadeauxs.

 

 

My husband had his first ever Swamp Thing and I had to finish it for him.... I think it was not all he thought it would be.

 

 

Friday Morning we all got up and caravans over to Blue Bell Ice Cream.

 

So for anyone that grew up in the South, You know about Blue Bell Ice Cream and how great it is. They gave us a tour of the plant and at the end of the tour, you got a free scoop of Ice Cream!! If you wanted more than one Scoop, it was 1.00 more for that. Here are a few shots from the tour.

 

After Blue Bell and another trip back to The Burger Palace (Scott could not get enough) We all headed over to my Cousin Jean's house for the welcome dinner. I only got a few shots because I was being a social butterfly but it was a great event:

 

 

I also forgot to mention that while we were there, Scott ordered me some roses and had sent to the room when we came back from Blue Bell.... It was a a beautiful surprise.

 

 

 

Saturday we took a trip to Crockett to see where it all began. We all put on our Jersey's and headed out on the bus. Here are a few pictures of the family:

 

And as you can tell.... Scott took a nap on the ride.

 

 

Saturday Night was the Family Banquet at the hotel:

 

 

Sunday we headed over to my Cousin Wilma's for Supper and ate once again.

 

Monday we headed back home to Los Angeles and of course I took my roses with me.

 

I cant wait for 2015 in Los Angeles... the plans are coming together and it will be great.

 

 

Have a great week loves!

 

 

 

Wedding Gift Amount Deemed Insufficient By Bad-Mannered Bride

Wow, talk about bad manners! On Friday, we received a truly horrifying email from one of our readers that would make etiquette guru Emily Post turn in her grave. The reader, Tanya, told us about a recent Facebook message she received from a bride after attending her wedding last month. In the message, the bride expressed her dissatisfaction with the $100 wedding gift she received from Tanya and her date. You can read the message for yourself below, but we must warn you: Your blood WILL boil.

Last weekend I attended a wedding of a not-close friend with my boyfriend and as a gift we gave $100 cash. This was generous considering my financial situation. I just finished university with $40,000 in student loans, and have only found part time (12-18 hrs per week) minimum wage work. I gave as much as I could and attended to show my support.Today I received a rude and condescending message from the bride via Facebook messenger: "Hi Tanya, how are you? I just want to know is there any reason or dissatisfaction of Mike's and I wedding that both you and Phil gave 50$ each? In terms of the amount we got from you both was very unexpected as a result we were very much short on paying off the reception because just for the cocktail + reception alone the plate per person is 200$ (as per a normal wedding range with open bar is about) and Mike and I both have already paid for everything else including decor, photography, attire etc and didn't expect we had to cover that huge amount for reception as well. As I know you both live together and work, so I did not see any reason for that amount, when it comes to your wedding hopefully you'll know what I mean. I hope for the best as from what we receive is what we will give back. Anyways, good luck on everything." [all sic]
It's infuriating that she had the nerve to make assumptions about my finances, and assume that I or my boyfriend had an extra $400 lying around. Those $100 were hard-earned and she didn't show an ounce of gratitude for what she did receive. That money didn't grow on a tree. If she had a minimum gift requirement, she should have specified it...or asked everyone for income statements before inviting them.

Celebrity wedding planner and HuffPost Weddings blogger Sharon Sacks weighed in on the matter, calling this "an inappropriate response to a wedding gift."

"Weddings are a wonderful time to share with family and friends," she wrote in an email to The Huffington Post. "The expense and the cost of the wedding is solely the responsibility of the bride, groom, and their families, and never the people who are attending. I think people give with their heart and do the best that they can. I would hope that any bride and groom would understand.“

Wedding etiquette expert and HuffPost blogger Xochitl Gonzalez also commented on the Facebook message, saying that it's one of the most classless stories she's ever heard.

"There is no obligation of a guest to give a gift to a party to which they are invited, not even a wedding," she wrote in an email. "Though not required, it is a very nice thing to do, but there is certainly no base guideline for what you should give AND finally, it's certainly outrageous to question the amount, let alone the gift (i.e. the guy who gave the couple a gift basket and they freaked out). There is a disgusting trend emerging where people are not only passing judgment about the gifts they receive, but they are verbalizing it -- even on the Bravo show 'Newlyweds,' they showed one of the grooms mocking guests on TV for being 'cheap with gifts.' It's classless and tacky."

Newlyweds With Disabilities Find Home To Share

RIVERHEAD, N.Y. — It was moving day Monday for a newlywed mentally disabled couple who launched a court fight to be able to live together.

Paul Forziano and his wife, Hava, who fell in love seven years ago and were married in April, welcomed visitors including their parents, attorneys and reporters into their new second-floor apartment in a large house run by an agency that operates several group homes in Riverhead, on eastern Long Island.

"Happy, not sad," said Hava Forziano, who has limited verbal skills. "We can be together all the time now," added her husband.

The couple and their parents filed a civil rights lawsuit this year, seeking to compel the group homes where they had lived separately until Monday to accommodate their wishes to live together as a married couple. Although the newlyweds were able to find a place to live, their attorney said Monday that the court fight will go on.

"You don't know what's going to happen in the future," said attorney Martin Coleman. "People like Paul and Hava have to have the ability to move around if they want to. There's only a limited number of providers. We need to be sure they're not closed out of places."

The federal civil rights lawsuit contends Paul Forziano's facility refused to allow the couple to live together because people requiring the services of a group home are by definition incapable of living as married people, and it says his wife's home refused because it believes she doesn't have the mental capacity to consent to sex.

Legal experts are watching the case closely as a test of the Americans With Disabilities Act, which says, in part, that "a public entity shall make reasonable modifications in policies, practices, or procedures ... to avoid discrimination on the basis of disability." The group homes are licensed as nonprofits by the state and receive Medicaid funding on behalf of their clients.

The facility where the former Hava Samuels lived has declined to comment because of the pending litigation. The group home operators where Paul Forziano lived said they didn't have facilities available for a married couple.

Also named in the lawsuit is the state Office of Persons With Developmental Disabilities, which the couple claims sided with the agencies in refusing to accommodate their wishes and has not done enough to find a solution. The office has declined to comment.

Friday Letters

 

 

Dear Work,

 

I don't know why I didn't take today off but hey, I am gonna roll with it and hope for the best.

 

 

Dear Housework,

 

We got some things to do this weekend.... Cleaning, Washing, Grocery Shopping and a Target run. Don't do us too bad now.

 

Dear Houston and Family,

 

We had a ball with all of you and cant wait to host you in Los Angeles for 2015... The ideas are already flowing and I'm excited to see it all come to life.

 

Dear Cooking,

 

I am happy to be doing this more. I am working on new foods to cook up so more to come

 

Dear Scott,

 

I know that Houston was Hot and Humid for you but I am glad that you took the trip and was able to see where it all began for our family. I'm glad that you had a great time and I know that everyone is looking forward to you coming back. Love You!!